Why I Have Not Been Blogging As Much

I use to write on this blog frequently, sometimes more than once per day; but, then people kept assuming things were about them and I had more affordable access to Internet.

I tried to explain many times that my writings are my thoughts and that my thoughts are fucked up most times but unfortunately too many individuals couldn't or wouldn't understand that. It bothered/bothers me that my words are misunderstood and that I couldn't/can't always control what comes out of this fucked up brain of mine. It also bothers/bothered me that others would use my words to perpetuate their own lies and misconceptions. Since some of those people still have access to this blog and do not actually comment or try to find out my meaning, I have basically quit writing a lot of my thoughts out.

My current Internet is unreliable and more expensive and therefore I must limit when and what I write. Due to my current living situation, I doubt there will be much change in that anytime soon.

Mostly I just have lost the desire to reach out, due to the harm I caused and the pain inside that I can't explain and no one really gives a damn about.

The thing I truly want to write about are getting too difficult to put into words that could/would be understood by others and I do not wish them to be misunderstood or used against me by others.

Yes, I do care too much about what others think about me or say about me. That is due to all the difficulty I've had, throughout my life, trying to "fit in" or feel "accepted". I've never felt I fit in anywhere and actually never felt accepted for myself, even by my family. I have never had a true friend and do not even know how to be a friend to anyone. I attempted to learn on Facebook but failed! Part of the problem is that I don't know how to make "chit-chat" or even what others may expect of a friend. Every person I ever thought was a friend,  throughout my life, eventually gave up on me and left or disappeared. I know there are a lot of people who think/thought they are/were a friend of mine but, since I still don't understand friendship and never did, I/I've always thought of them more as acquaintances. I wish there were someone out there who could somehow explain to me what a friend is suppose to be and how to be a good friend. This is just an example of some of the things which run through my head that I can't explain and that tear me apart inside. One of those things I think no one can ever truly understand unless they've been there or are there.

Needless to say, I expect most will not understand this or respond. Though I do write these blogs for myself I also hope/hoped that others would take part and help me to change or understand things from another perspective. That hasn't happened and, right now, I am feeling hopeless that it ever will.