Must Stop Smoking

I have been informed by my doctors, both my general practitioner and my neurologist, that I need to stop smoking. This is for one main reason - to reduce the possibility of another stroke. I have quit twice before, once for 13 years and once for a few months; but, each time something always triggered me to go back to smoking. Recently, I tried cutting down without too much success. I've tried the patch, the gum and just cold turkey;but none seemed to work.

This time I am using Champix. The one side effect that concerned my doctor is the increase in depression and suicidal thoughts. I actually had to twist his arm a little by promising to inform the family around me to watch out for signs of suicide ideation and mood changes. I started yesterday and the first three days are a small dose. The next 4 days are two doses and then the quit date is sometime during the second week.

I really can not afford to smoke and should have quit immediately after my stroke. There is no good excuse for why I didn't other than stress and an inability to tolerate withdrawal symptoms. Perhaps, I think I often see smoking as a way to shorten my time on this plain of existence. After all, even at my "happiest" I don't "fit in" anywhere. Well, I refuse to let those who choose to attack me and ostracize me to think they are "winning" something by my silence and withdrawal from life. If only for that reason, I must succeed in quitting this time!

My real reason for quitting is much less selfish, I want to be here for my girls and grandkids! I still don't "want" to be here for myself, for I have little hope of my life ever changing for the "better". I mean I will never feel accepted or "happy" to be alive. It's just not who I am as a person.