What's Up With Me

     The "quitting smoking" is not going well. Even though the Champix makes the smokes taste like hell and makes me sick when I smoke, I still find myself smoking. Guess I just don't really want to live as much as I should want to.
     Still do not have a place to call home. Meaning I'm still living between my mom's house and my sister's place. Don't know what I'll do if I don't get a place by the end of June. I don't really want to go back to the city and live with my daughters, they need their space.
     Got a credit card and maxed it out already. Plus I ran up my Internet so high I had to ask mom for help to pay off the bill. Financially..... my life sucks; but, nothing new there! I've always had to scrape from month to month just to survive and there is no change looming in my future.
     Been thinking a lot lately about people and places I shouldn't be; nothing new there. Mostly thinking I really need to change my thinking and focus on those who actually care about what I think.
     Missing my girls! Missing my grandkids! I can't wait for better weather so I can go visit or they can come up here.
     Missing those who have passed away, my dad and granny. Thinking about how hard it will be when my mom goes. She's losing her last brother. Then again, maybe I'll go before her. After all, with high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, stroke,etc. there's a good chance I won't live to be 60.
     Depression is definitely increased by the Champix; but, on the bright side, the suicidal thoughts haven't been more frequent or harder to deal with, as my doctor worried.
     Need to cut down the time I spend online. Need to find someone to talk to, someone who cares and doesn't back-stab. Need to shut off this brain, if only for the nighttimes.