Meltdown

Along with the crappy "Spring" weather, I am feeling like I should just disappear. So I guess both the snow and I are having a "meltdown"!

I've been trying to quit smoking using Champix but I am not being totally successful, just cut down to about 8 cigarettes from a pack and a half. Find myself craving a smoke more when I am online than any other time; so, I feel it's best if I am not online as much.

Recently found out that the Housing Authority up here has been jerking me around. Each month they said they were "working hard" to find me a place; but, there has been an empty unit available here since December. Apparently the housing people are afraid of letting me have it because of my memory problems. They never bothered to ask me about those problem even though I explained I would not be cooking and I am quitting smoking. The memory issues are mostly around cooking ( which I know so I avoid doing it) and are the main reason I moved out here to be near family who can help {either through supervision or cooking for me}. It's just so frustrating that those people never bothered to talk to me, even though I explained my plans for meals and the help I would be receiving from family. Now they expect me to get a letter from my doctor in a week and a half saying I am capable of living on my own - however it takes 2-3 weeks to get an appointment with him. Can you say screwed?

Even though the Depression has improved up here there are times when I still feel like just shutting down. I think it would be nice to just disappear sometime, though I suppose family would miss me and a few friends. Feeling rather hopeless about living conditions, friendships and my ability to socialize.Mostly just feeling like this life will never amount to much for me! { At least I don't have to resort to profile pictures of myself that are silly and/or offensive for my friends to care about me as some others tend to do. Though I do like to post an inane one now and then.}

Wondering why every time somebody "comes to visit" I feel trapped and down. I guess it's because my mother taught me and continues to pressure me to "entertain visitors and try to be positive for them, regardless of how I feel. Mind you once the people are here I wind up enjoying the  visit and feeling better about life. My daughter is bringing the grandkids up tonight and though part of me can't wait another part of me just wants to run away. I do love my kids and grandkids, I just don't know how to act around them most of the time.

Well, that's about all that's on my mind today, besides a few things/people I no longer wish to write about.