My Thoughts And Life!

Long Time No Writing

2011-11-18T23:35:00.001-07:00

It's been quite a while since I've written here. This is for several reasons. The most important being the refusal of a certain person to remove them-self as a follower. Also, I have been pretty busy doing outside work for my mom. However, now it's winter I will probably write on here more or start a new blog - not sure which yet.
Anyhoo, life in Smith is not quite like I thought it would be.Yes, it's nice and quiet and there is little distraction ;but, there is also no chance of my getting cheaper Internet service in the place I'm living. Not because it is unavailable but because the landlord will not allow me to install an antenna on the roof and there is no other way to get it. Plus, I haven't really got out to walk as much as I should have because I've been too busy doing things at my mother's place. Also, the availability of options for shopping and stuff is less than I would have hoped. Costs are higher than I would have guessed and income just does not stretch as far as I had hoped. All in all, it's been a positive change though!
Miss seeing my grand-kids though and seeing my girls. Miss the Internet access as well but not as much as I miss those people.
Not sure what's going on for Christmas but it looks as if another Christmas without the girls or grand-kids. May even be without a Christmas dinner. Maybe I'll just sleep through it. I can't afford gifts for anyone anyways. I can't even think of a way to go to Edmonton to see the kids. Plus winter driving, anyone's, scares me too much. Sucks that they shut down the Bus routes.
Well, enough bitching and griping. At least I've got a home this year! It's nice to have a place I can do what I want, when I want without worrying about what someone else needs/wants. It's small but it's home. Just wished it came with Internet.
Still can't make up my mind about the blog. Any suggestions?

Coping or Not

2011-09-01T22:59:00.000-06:00

Was just reading a article about coping strategies and realized that I not developed many over the years. Those I have developed are not always the healthiest or wisest. For instance, I have developed a nasty habit of hurting myself, whether physically or emotionally, whenever I feel overwhelmed.

I use to like to go for walks when I felt "stressed out" or depressed but, now, my health does not always allow that. The arthritis in my hips, knees and ankles makes walking more than 10 city blocks so painful that it becomes a futile activity to battle the stress or depression. Though I still make sure I walk, at least to mom`s, every day. However, being out of the city has helped and just going outside and looking at nature helps too.

Mostly, I tend to snack, smoke or drink too much pop to try and cope. I use to drink alcohol but have pretty much given that up since moving out here. Though the last couple of times I passed the liquor store I thought about going in and buying something to drink. The main reason I don`t is my health. Doctor`s insist I quit smoking but I just don`t know what I would do instead...... probably eat myself to oblivion:-(

Writing thoughts out on this blog has helped me through some really bad times, even if they have been misunderstood and used as weapons against me. Mostly, I find that those few who do bother to read the whole blog tend to try and understand or at least remain quiet if they don`t; but, I wish people would ask if they don`t understand or think I`m being particularly nasty towards them.I've only been truly nasty in a few blogs, which I deleted pretty soon after writing them and then it wasn't always me (per se) but another "part" of the persons that make up Dot. Still fear and hurt have kept me from writing quite a bit lately and some of my deeper thoughts.

It's not that I haven't tried other coping methods, I have. I've tried deep breathing, exercise, relaxation techniques and a few other things I've learned through therapy or groups but I just never felt any benefit from them.I've also tried herbal remedies, vitamin therapies, light therapy and drugs but, unfortunately, nothing seems to help too much during my worst times.

I have found a doctor who has been more helpful, since I moved out here, and who has me on B12 shots now, which help a little. My main concern is the upcoming winter and just how I will get through it. With little to no healthy coping strategies and limited entertainment and funds for Internet, I worry about the upcoming dark periods. I have no one close I can really talk to, no one who really understands or tries, but I do have a few Internet friends who may stick around and help.

Struggling Lately

2011-08-24T23:26:00.000-06:00

Been through a few ups and downs the past few weeks. Not entirely sure what is going on with me. It's not a matter of season and nothing major is happening that could be causing any stress or such. All I know for sure is that I feel like it's a struggle to just get through each day sometimes.
There is nobody I can really talk to about how I am feeling because there is no one thing or any understandable reason for feeling this way. I don't think anyone could understand how or why I'm at this point and honestly don't think they'd care or understand the little annoyances...... especially when they have bigger problems themselves. It's all just very exhausting for me.
The little things:
1) Finances - too little coming in and too much going out, and that's just on the basics. Not sure I'll even have money to eat this next month.
2) Lack of Vitamin B12 - forgot to get my shot this past month and I'm really feeling the lack, it causes tiredness. My body can not absorb it through food or pills.
3) Internal conflicts over past stuff - Parts of me still have trouble dealing with feelings of abandonment and rejection over past events in my life. Even though I know there is nothing that can change the past and there is little to no hope for the future being any brighter, some parts still hope that things will change.
4) Spiritual Crisis - going backward spiritually due to conflict over believes and desire to love, regardless of any conflict. Haven't studied doctrine in awhile because I just don't want to turn out to be an emotionless git like some people I see. It doesn't mean I've given up my beliefs, just that I've hit a wall I can't seem to climb over or go around.
5) Loneliness - Nobody to really talk to. Missing my girls, miss seeing my grand-kids, no "social" life. No idea what to say when someone asks "How are you doing?" because I don't think they really care and I don't want to seem ungrateful for anything. I do NOT want a relationship with anyone anytime soon but I still wouldn't mind feeling wanted/care for.

It's not like life here isn't good. I've been enjoying working the garden and helping mom. I can usually occupy my time alone with DVDs and FB, but sometimes I just get to thinking too much. I am more relaxed here and enjoy going for a walk now and then but have been limited by weather and health. I use to enjoy library time but lately it seems like nothing wants to work right at library. Mostly, there is no real reason I should be feeling so down!

Some More Crap (?) About Me

2011-07-27T17:24:00.000-06:00

Not sure anyone cares or wants to know, besides my daughter(maybe), but thought I`d share a bit more about myself here.

How do I see myself as a person?
First and foremost as a mother of four adult women and granny of three wonderful grandchildren. Then as a daughter of and interesting and popular woman, who is worth every minute I spend helping! Next as a sister of some pretty messed up but not totally worthless, instead interesting and entertaining siblings.
As an individual... I see myself as a pretty messed up person who is just trying to survive this world and do something worthwhile with the stuff I've learned throughout many incidents in life. Yes, screwed up pretty much is my first thought about myself; but, I hope someday I can see past that and glimpse the person that the few friends I've had throughout my life have described to me as me.

My goals in this thing we call life?
Live each day without giving into the pain and insanity.....and that pretty much takes most of my energy and concentration. In fact may times it takes more than I have in me to battle the insanity in this diseased/damaged brain I have { and unfortunately most people can't understand or see past that;-(}.
Help whomever and wherever I can, regardless of the emotional pain that sometimes leads me into.
Care about family and friends and try to contribute something worthwhile to their lives.
Learn and get to know God.
Survive, survive, survive!

The most important things to me in life?
Family - first and foremost I've always felt that family is the best people in my life and are the most important people to help and satisfy.
Teaching - whoever wants to learn whatever I know. All you have to do is ask!
- children that every person can care and treat them with respect and to care about themselves and others!
Learning - everything and anything I can about life, mental illness, native culture, God, God, beliefs of others and thoughts of others.

My biggest failures:
Learning to be a friend!
Socializing!
Forgiving myself!
Sometimes I think as a mother I screwed up quite a bit; but I can't say I failed as my girls are alive and doing pretty good for themselves and others.

My thoughts on friendship:
Though I have posted many, many notes, on FB, and blogs, on here, I've never really taken the time to write about the people I would like to be friends with. These people are those who can care about someone besides themselves,; those who are patient, understanding, forgiving and can overlook eccentricities {craziness}! Also, I would like to meet those who actually wish to take the time to converse once in a while without me having to initiate it.
Mostly, I need friends who understand that I am NOT a mind reader and not very good at the whole social interaction continuum.

Any questions for me feel free to message me on FB or through this blog!

Too Many Thoughts

2011-07-08T22:03:00.000-06:00

Just trying to clear my head out a little.

Start to this weekend not promising.... went to a funeral service today for a very nice woman who was one of my only "safe" contacts here in Smith, that is outside my family. By "safe" contact, I mean someone I didn't feel too uncomfortable around, someone who seemed to be able to be nice and polite to me without expecting something in return. Too many people here are "sourpusses", including me, when I'm out and about and I get very uncomfortable with that due to the social phobia I can't even explain to them why.
Rain, rain and more rain..... weekend forecast mean I am housebound and with no time left on my Internet, until Sunday, I have no real idea what to do with myself.

TP..... still lots of random thoughts on the person and the other meanings of these two initials. Still lots of TP with Facebook too, technical problems. Really wish I could just forget all the shit that went on and blank out all those friggin thoughts!

Broke.... as per usual, and still got bills coming in and things I need to get. Tired of "sponging" off my mom and nowhere to turn for help. Well, that's my life!

Really wish I knew when to call my daughter Chris but the time difference and her work make that difficult. Sure do miss her though!

Facebook.... with Internet so bloomin expensive out here and no options available, library not viable because it's only open 3 times a week and if it's raining or she's on vacation like these 2 weeks... it's impossible to access much. Thinking maybe I should give up some on Facebook and just let people delete or block me if they want.... I'm too lazy and too obsessive to delete anyone or keep anyone blocked for long. Anyways , I know anybody who "gives a damn" about me would talk to me first. This also kind of goes along with last blog.

Physical health is not getting better but some problems actually worse.... Can't go for long walks anymore due to pain in back and hips, scares me that I might lose the ability to walk too soon. Fibromyalgia acting up with all the rainy days... At least the stress and most the the anxiety is gone!

What to do? What to do?.... Still haven't been studying doctrine, seems pointless with the way family who does treats my daughter and I don't want to listen to something that may be negative in that regard. At the same time, I try to stay in fellowship..... difficult to always keep at it when I don't always agree with what I hear. Part of me wants to go back to studying but a bigger part just doesn't care anymore;-(

Wish I knew what other people think of some of my writings but no one seems to want to share their thoughts... That's just how it goes and I don't write for that reason anyways!

I Give Up

2011-07-04T19:35:00.001-06:00

A simple list of things I'm working on giving up, some are going to be harder than others!

I give up trying to be a friend to anyone....... it never really works out, I think because I am too screwed up in the head.

I give up trying to find someone who wants to be a friend to me...... Although there are a lot of people who think they are my friend, there are few who actually take the time to find out anything about me or keep in contact. I am tired of being the one who has to work to keep the contact or friendship going!

I'd say I give up caring but I know it's my nature to care for others regardless of what they think of me or whether they care about me. Thus I give up caring what others think of me instead!

I give up trying to be the nice, polite, sensitive person others seem to expect!

I give up being a "people pleaser"! This is definitely going to be very hard for me but I think it's best if I do it.

I give up ever trying to understand anything about the males of this species called human. Though I do understand a lot, there are too many of those males out there who will not even look at themselves but just use/abuse women and that I will never understand!

I give up caring and trying to understand women who choose the above type of men. Come on Ladies there is always a choice!

I give up trying to understand the past and it's connections/influences on me. It's time to start with a clean slate and just change the behaviors I don't like in myself!

I give up trying to communicate my deeper thoughts..... they're just too strange and complex for most to understand and for me to put in words!

I give up trying to understand "social etiquette" ....... I don't think I am capable of being the "mensch" that most people seem to expect and want, plus I give up caring about that!

I give up punishing myself..... for all that's gone wrong with my previous attempts at being a friend or being social!

I give up blaming myself for the above as well..... after all if others cared at tall things wouldn't have gone so flipping wrong!

I give up trying to think of some people in a positive manner and realize they're just not worth the stress and strife in my life!

Well that's a start, I know it doesn't include many things that I should give up, according to others; but, the again, this is my list not others!

Automation And Customer Service

2011-06-04T22:24:00.000-06:00

Automation of services has come too far, in my humble opinion. Just watching my brother,myself and my mother deal with different things and getting stuck with dealing with machines instead of people and the frustration and time wasting that comes along with it is enough to convince pretty much anyone that the "new customer service" offered by most places falls way short of anything like actual customer service. What happened to caring about what your customers think or want?

Perhaps I am "old fashioned" but I would rather pull out every hair on my body than deal with these bloody machines that spin you around in circles and keep you from accomplishing a damn thing! I actually do remember when the customer came first! I didn't think I was all that damn old, but it just goes to prove I am getting there!

For people dealing with issues and crisis in their life,dealing with this "new customer service" can lead to all sorts of stress and chaos they don't need. For instance, say you lost your home and just want to set up a cell phone, first you need to activate but they charge you extra to do it; unless you do it online. That's the catch for people who are already struggling just trying to find a place to live! So, they get on a computer and go through the process but it requires an email and that can be another issue, especially if someone's hacked that email or you forgot the password because you don't use it that often. More time spent trying to work that out and then it sends you back to the same machine which if it decides to allow you to move on can be OK; but if it decides to develop the slightest glitch... well that doubles or triples your stress. So, you decide to phone someone for help, yeah right, if you get an actual person, without waiting for 30min. to an hour on hold, you would be lucky if they can actually help you and are not just reading from a script of "pat" answers! Add to all this any mental health issues and I begin to understand why people feel like going beserk on some of these companies!

For myself, I try to avoid dealing with anything over the phone, for I actually get along better with computers than people. However, sometimes I just get fed up with the glitches and b***sh** and go zone out with a book or movie. Luckily, I've never had to accomplish anything that important, either over the phone or with a glitchy computer, that I either couldn't ask someone calmer to do or take a break and get back to it later. I have/am blessed to have my mother to help me through most of it or at least my girls.

Still, I'd like to go back to when the customer actually mattered and customer service was done by people who cared!!!

Gardening

2011-05-13T22:47:00.000-06:00

One of my favorite things to do, that always makes me feel "happy" is putzing around in the garden, be it vegetables of flowers. For some reason, probably harking back to childhood, I find getting down and getting my hand in the dirt very peaceful. One of the main reasons I moved out here when I did was to help my mom with the garden. Having a hand in growing things is satisfying, probably why I had four kids, and harvesting and canning /freezing gives me just as much pleasure. Now if only my body would allow me to do more!

Growing up we had two gardens, one for most vegetables and the other for mainly potatoes. Everyone pretty much helped clean out the gardens from rocks, some were actually boulders, and plant/weed/harvest. Some of my favorite memories revolve around our gardens and the time spent helping out.

I think getting to "play" in the dirt somehow satisfies the little kid in me because growing up we didn't have any sandboxes or playground near the farm. Our playground was the farm and our "sandboxes" were the gardens. Here in Smith, which is build on top of mainly sand, it feels like you're playing in a huge sandbox when gardening.

Random Thoughts On People

2011-05-09T23:08:00.000-06:00

A) I am not a "people person"...... Most of my life the only people I've interacted with on a deeper level have been family. The exception being those few{Okay, more than a few} people I had sexual relationships with and not even a few of those.

B) Most people are not worth getting to know because most people are not trustworthy........ Yep, I know I have trust issues and why the H not, after all most people I trusted with anything in my life threw it back in my face or back stabbed me! I've been hurt far, far too many times to ever fully trust anyone, ever!!!

C) People who jump from relationship to relationship baffle me.............. I guess that is why I don't believe in "love". Too many people I've known do this. Some have children with multiple partners and think that's "normal". It's the children I really feel sorry for because in the long run their the ones who suffer and are never sure just what their parent(s) consider "love".{ BTW, I have known many family members to be this way and more than a few "friends"}

D) Your "Average Joe" is pretty dumb, slow,and self-centered.......I find most people like to "chat" and it's usually about nothing very cerebral but little inane things that are totally boring and uninteresting to me. Even when it is interesting, I never find I have to add anything to what's said. Guess that's why I am not a "chatter" but can be a dang good listener.

E) People seem to think healthy "self esteem" means not giving a damn about anyone else but being self centered and self absorbed........ Very few people in this world care how their actions and words affect others or make others feel. Some use the excuse "I'm not responsible for anyone else's feeling" as what I consider a cop out to be selfish.

Generally, I've gone back to wanting to shut down and just become a "pretender" again...... It's easier for me to become what I see others want me to be than trying to be myself; whoever "myself" is!

New Chapter

2011-04-30T22:11:00.000-06:00

Now that I will finally be getting my own place here in Smith, I have been thinking it's time to start a whole new chapter in "my" life. The reason for the quotes is I don't think of myself as a whole person and I know my choices also effect others; something very few family members bother to consider, actually very few people.

Perhaps that will be a starting point for me...... to stop caring what others think or how what I do effects them, especially family! Of course that is a huge part of who I've always known myself to be. So, maybe time to kill me as I know me! Mostly this comes from hearing multiple times from family to just " stop caring what anyone thinks or feels" to " stop being so emotional" and from most other people that "You need to control your emotions and reactions" Seem no one truly cares what anyone else feels these days as long as they get what they want;-(

Time for me to disappear again and shut down. Right now I really, really wish I had the guts to commit suicide!

Meltdown

2011-04-16T15:59:00.001-06:00

Along with the crappy "Spring" weather, I am feeling like I should just disappear. So I guess both the snow and I are having a "meltdown"!

I've been trying to quit smoking using Champix but I am not being totally successful, just cut down to about 8 cigarettes from a pack and a half. Find myself craving a smoke more when I am online than any other time; so, I feel it's best if I am not online as much.

Recently found out that the Housing Authority up here has been jerking me around. Each month they said they were "working hard" to find me a place; but, there has been an empty unit available here since December. Apparently the housing people are afraid of letting me have it because of my memory problems. They never bothered to ask me about those problem even though I explained I would not be cooking and I am quitting smoking. The memory issues are mostly around cooking ( which I know so I avoid doing it) and are the main reason I moved out here to be near family who can help {either through supervision or cooking for me}. It's just so frustrating that those people never bothered to talk to me, even though I explained my plans for meals and the help I would be receiving from family. Now they expect me to get a letter from my doctor in a week and a half saying I am capable of living on my own - however it takes 2-3 weeks to get an appointment with him. Can you say screwed?

Even though the Depression has improved up here there are times when I still feel like just shutting down. I think it would be nice to just disappear sometime, though I suppose family would miss me and a few friends. Feeling rather hopeless about living conditions, friendships and my ability to socialize.Mostly just feeling like this life will never amount to much for me! { At least I don't have to resort to profile pictures of myself that are silly and/or offensive for my friends to care about me as some others tend to do. Though I do like to post an inane one now and then.}

Wondering why every time somebody "comes to visit" I feel trapped and down. I guess it's because my mother taught me and continues to pressure me to "entertain visitors and try to be positive for them, regardless of how I feel. Mind you once the people are here I wind up enjoying the visit and feeling better about life. My daughter is bringing the grandkids up tonight and though part of me can't wait another part of me just wants to run away. I do love my kids and grandkids, I just don't know how to act around them most of the time.

Well, that's about all that's on my mind today, besides a few things/people I no longer wish to write about.

My Faults

2011-03-24T21:36:00.000-06:00

Guess you could call this a list to work on. Feel free to add your two bits! But, really, who knows them better than me?

My number 1 fault is I am lazy!!
   I actually have spent time in my life devising more efficient ways to accomplish tasks rather than just doing the task! I hate housework because I know it's just going to get dirty again! I find repetitive tasks draining and I have little energy for "chores" or "tasks" anyways. Mostly, I just feel drained with most of life; though, a nice walk into the bush or on a beach can energize me. If I can get someone else to do the "work", I will!

I'm Paranoid!
   This comes from my constant need for reassurance, which in turn comes from not having that as a kid. I am always concerned what others think, what judgments they are making about me and if they really care or are just pretending. I do think others talk behind my back because I see and hear it so much regarding other people that I suspect it about me.

I do not trust anyone!!
   Heard/saw too many lies growing up and as a young adult! I know people lie and misrepresent themselves and, though I have tried to trust, I have always wound up getting hurt. It's why I push others away before they can push me away or hurt me worse. I have limited trust in family; but, even there I know few of them are totally honest most of the time. My biggest trust issues are with "men", many reasons {some I've written about, some I haven't yet} And yes, I do not trust myself, not totally, as should be apparent in some of my writings.

I'm Mentally Ill!
   Honestly, I've known this since I was 14 and have sought help, most of my life. I suffer from several different mental problems. I claim this as a fault because I am/have been judged for it and condemned by some!

I am FAT/Obese!
   My weight struggles began when I started having children but really got worse after I got my tubes tied and divorced. I have weighed over 300lbs; but, currently am hovering around 230lbs. I am hoping to lose more weight come spring /summer and I can walk and swim. I have used my weight to keep people away from me, especially men! I do not want to lose weight for any other reason than to improve my health!

I am a Smoker!
   Started smoking around age 10 to "fit in" with my brother and his friends. I stopped for 13 years while raising my kids; but started again when they were teens. I am trying to quit, for health reasons, but not doing too well.

I'm {believe it or not} shy!
I am very uncomfortable around people and never know what to say or how to act. I am concerned with being judged or doing/saying the wrong thing, mostly because I have! I can pretend to be interested or occasionally join in but even then I am a bundle of nerves inside. The anxiety gets so bad I've actually hidden in the washroom and cried. I've also run away..... leave the situation/event, etc.

I'm ugly!
   Just been told this so much that I believe it! I've never liked the way I've looked and people who wish to hurt me have always know this. I've never felt "pretty" or "beautiful" no matter what anyone else has said to me!

The list could go on but I think I've had enough self degradation for one night!

What's Up With Me

2011-03-22T22:30:00.000-06:00

   The "quitting smoking" is not going well. Even though the Champix makes the smokes taste like hell and makes me sick when I smoke, I still find myself smoking. Guess I just don't really want to live as much as I should want to.
   Still do not have a place to call home. Meaning I'm still living between my mom's house and my sister's place. Don't know what I'll do if I don't get a place by the end of June. I don't really want to go back to the city and live with my daughters, they need their space.
   Got a credit card and maxed it out already. Plus I ran up my Internet so high I had to ask mom for help to pay off the bill. Financially..... my life sucks; but, nothing new there! I've always had to scrape from month to month just to survive and there is no change looming in my future.
   Been thinking a lot lately about people and places I shouldn't be; nothing new there. Mostly thinking I really need to change my thinking and focus on those who actually care about what I think.
   Missing my girls! Missing my grandkids! I can't wait for better weather so I can go visit or they can come up here.
   Missing those who have passed away, my dad and granny. Thinking about how hard it will be when my mom goes. She's losing her last brother. Then again, maybe I'll go before her. After all, with high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, stroke,etc. there's a good chance I won't live to be 60.
   Depression is definitely increased by the Champix; but, on the bright side, the suicidal thoughts haven't been more frequent or harder to deal with, as my doctor worried.
   Need to cut down the time I spend online. Need to find someone to talk to, someone who cares and doesn't back-stab. Need to shut off this brain, if only for the nighttimes.

WHY?

2011-03-14T00:44:00.000-06:00

WHY....
am I sick and tired of being me?
I think because I'm such a failure at the whole social thing and I really do hate my body!

are there still certain followers on this blog who never actually read the blogs,comment or mark a box?
I think because they enjoy the pain it causes me and know I don't like to block people.

do I care, when I shouldn't?
I've come to accept that is just part of who I am and that the harder I try not to the more I do.

am I so fucked up?
Already wrote many blogs about my past and how that contributes; but, in "reality", I think it's because I care too much what others think and not enough about what God thinks.

did I separate into several different parts in my mind?
That pretty much goes with the "fucked up" part;but, also because I just can not handle certain emotions and thoughts without feeling like I'm losing it!

do I continue to "share" on this blog?
I think I never truly lose hope that someone out there may understand and someday have the courage to share back. Plus, it really does help me feel less alone and terrified of myself.

Why do you read these blogs?

No Where To Go, No Where I Belong

2011-03-08T21:30:00.000-07:00

After my last blog it might be the medication but today I'm feeling like I really do have no where to go and no where I really belong.

Currently I am dividing my living between my mother's for meals, laundry, showers, etc and my sister's for a room and a spot to spend the time I don't spend at mom's. At the end of June that will be over. My sister's place is being sold and my mother does not have the room for me to live full time with her. There is no viable housing in this small hamlet and, I have little hope, of living space which I could possibly rent.

I can not go and live with any of my daughters, they have lives and it's unfair to expect them to accommodate me. The three in Edmonton have no room and the other is out of the country. I'm too young for any assisted living program and not really capable of living on my own due to mental and physical limitations. Plus, in all honesty, I am terrified of trying to live alone because last time I almost burned the house down and I forget to eat or take my medication.

I really feel like I do not belong anywhere. I can't interact with people on a daily basis and every time I've attempted to be a friend I've failed. I do not wish to live in a town or city where I don't know anyone and I don't feel like I could survive living in Edmonton again. Unfortunately it all leaves me with nowhere to go and no where I belong.

Must Stop Smoking

2011-03-05T21:18:00.000-07:00

I have been informed by my doctors, both my general practitioner and my neurologist, that I need to stop smoking. This is for one main reason - to reduce the possibility of another stroke. I have quit twice before, once for 13 years and once for a few months; but, each time something always triggered me to go back to smoking. Recently, I tried cutting down without too much success. I've tried the patch, the gum and just cold turkey;but none seemed to work.

This time I am using Champix. The one side effect that concerned my doctor is the increase in depression and suicidal thoughts. I actually had to twist his arm a little by promising to inform the family around me to watch out for signs of suicide ideation and mood changes. I started yesterday and the first three days are a small dose. The next 4 days are two doses and then the quit date is sometime during the second week.

I really can not afford to smoke and should have quit immediately after my stroke. There is no good excuse for why I didn't other than stress and an inability to tolerate withdrawal symptoms. Perhaps, I think I often see smoking as a way to shorten my time on this plain of existence. After all, even at my "happiest" I don't "fit in" anywhere. Well, I refuse to let those who choose to attack me and ostracize me to think they are "winning" something by my silence and withdrawal from life. If only for that reason, I must succeed in quitting this time!

My real reason for quitting is much less selfish, I want to be here for my girls and grandkids! I still don't "want" to be here for myself, for I have little hope of my life ever changing for the "better". I mean I will never feel accepted or "happy" to be alive. It's just not who I am as a person.

Smith, Alberta, Canada

2011-02-26T01:58:00.000-07:00

Smith is a small "hamlet" far enough away from "civilization" and near enough to the bush to make it calm and relaxing to walk around or be a "shut in" if one chooses...which I usually do. During the winter there isn't much to do and it's too cold to go out for any longer walks. I really know very little about the "social" activities available because I really do not join in on anything due to my Social Phobia and my Depression.

Since moving out here, I have found a decent doctor who is actually trying to help me figure out what's up with me and what treatments I require. I have recently been diagnosed with high cholesterol, possible small blood vessel damage in my brain and high blood pressure. My doctor has given me more information about the possibility of another stroke and what I need to do to decrease that chance. I must quit smoking, keep losing weight and get better, more frequent, exercise. So far, I have not gained any significant weight this winter and have been able to walk more and help out around my mom's. Next week I will be trying Champix to quit smoking. I'm hoping it works for me.

The usual Depression is not as severe this year, mostly I believe to the lack of stress and people around here. I've only broke down once or twice and then not for long. I am still thinking too much about what others think of me and missing my "inspirational friend" who often got me thinking a lot deeper and looking at my faults more. There have been a few days where i really wanted to reach out but know that is wrong as I am unwelcome by that person.I have managed to keep a lot of the "negative" thoughts and emotions "bottled up" or "put away". Mostly I just haven't felt as "negative" here as I did in the city. Perhaps because when I do I can take a walk or talk things out with mom. In fact the only "major" stress in my life right now is being homeless and my health.

I do wish I could find a place of my own. I also wish I could forget somethings / people and not forget so many others. Perhaps I will forget once spring and summer are here and I can get busy with a garden , the lake and take longer walks again.

Overall I am pretty confident that moving up here has led to an improvement in my Depression and will lead to an improvement in my health.

Why I Have Not Been Blogging As Much

2011-02-20T23:52:00.001-07:00

I use to write on this blog frequently, sometimes more than once per day; but, then people kept assuming things were about them and I had more affordable access to Internet.

I tried to explain many times that my writings are my thoughts and that my thoughts are fucked up most times but unfortunately too many individuals couldn't or wouldn't understand that. It bothered/bothers me that my words are misunderstood and that I couldn't/can't always control what comes out of this fucked up brain of mine. It also bothers/bothered me that others would use my words to perpetuate their own lies and misconceptions. Since some of those people still have access to this blog and do not actually comment or try to find out my meaning, I have basically quit writing a lot of my thoughts out.

My current Internet is unreliable and more expensive and therefore I must limit when and what I write. Due to my current living situation, I doubt there will be much change in that anytime soon.

Mostly I just have lost the desire to reach out, due to the harm I caused and the pain inside that I can't explain and no one really gives a damn about.

The thing I truly want to write about are getting too difficult to put into words that could/would be understood by others and I do not wish them to be misunderstood or used against me by others.

Yes, I do care too much about what others think about me or say about me. That is due to all the difficulty I've had, throughout my life, trying to "fit in" or feel "accepted". I've never felt I fit in anywhere and actually never felt accepted for myself, even by my family. I have never had a true friend and do not even know how to be a friend to anyone. I attempted to learn on Facebook but failed! Part of the problem is that I don't know how to make "chit-chat" or even what others may expect of a friend. Every person I ever thought was a friend, throughout my life, eventually gave up on me and left or disappeared. I know there are a lot of people who think/thought they are/were a friend of mine but, since I still don't understand friendship and never did, I/I've always thought of them more as acquaintances. I wish there were someone out there who could somehow explain to me what a friend is suppose to be and how to be a good friend. This is just an example of some of the things which run through my head that I can't explain and that tear me apart inside. One of those things I think no one can ever truly understand unless they've been there or are there.

Needless to say, I expect most will not understand this or respond. Though I do write these blogs for myself I also hope/hoped that others would take part and help me to change or understand things from another perspective. That hasn't happened and, right now, I am feeling hopeless that it ever will.

Age

2011-02-06T01:47:00.001-07:00

Well, I'm turning 50 years old in 10 days, not that it means that much to me or those who care about me, but it got me thinking about age and some peoples viewpoints. So, here's my thoughts!

Age has never really meant that much to me. A person's age is just a number, it tells you nothing about that person! I've met people older than me who were less mature and people younger than me who had an "old soul", meaning they were mature beyond their age. Maturity does not come with the amount of time a person spends on this world; but, too often, others think it does. Being mature does not mean you can't act like a child at times or enjoy certain things with 'childlike wonder', it just means know when it is appropriate or desirable to do so. To me it's always been maturity that counts and not age!

My daughters are the most precious people in my life and mostly my reason for living. I have been "overprotective" of them while they were growing up; but, I also acknowledged their early maturity. When they started "dating", I was not surprised that the oldest wound up finding someone older than herself. I admit, at first, I was concerned about it but because I trusted her and recognized they were both on the same maturity level, I quickly accepted her choice. Happily they both appear to have done considerable maturing in the past 10 years.

If one of my girls met someone younger then themselves that they wanted to be with, it would not be the persons age I would even think of but their maturity! That is one reason I've never really even thought about someone's age when interacting with them. Unfortunately, most people seem to think age is a "big deal" and often prejudge others by their preconceived notions.

While I was growing up, I was lucky enough to have parents who did not mind if I hung around when their friends visited or joined in on "adult" conversations. My parents never really said "You're not old enough" or "You're to young" when it came to us kids trying out new things. I guess that is one reason age never became a big deal to me. At least that's the way I remember things. The only exception being when I wanted to hang around the older boys when they were in their teenage years. Which I soon learned, the hard way, was for my own protection.

I have know several very happy couples where age differences were greater than 3-15 years, both the women being older or the man. Those relationships were based more on maturity and acceptance the a numerical value determined by birth date.

As for turning 50, it's no big deal. I don't know how many years, if any I will be here; but, thankfully, that doesn't matter all that much to me either. I do know that I don't really want an "intimate relationship" with anyone at this point in my life. However, that does not mean that I'm not willing to reconsider that if the right person came along, regardless of their age.

The only thing I really like about my age is the coincidence of my mother being 25 years older then me and my daughter being 25 years younger and all of us born in February!

What The Future Holds

2011-02-01T12:50:00.000-07:00

I don't usually think of the "future", any time beyond this day, because I honestly don't believe I have much of one. I have always taken "One day at a time" to heart knowing that one day is all is given to us. However, today I am sitting here thinking of what might become of my girls and me. I've always had some kind of preconceived notions about my girls futures, despite knowing that anything could happen to them. {So much for "one day at a time"}

My girls: Deborah, Amanda, Jennifer and Christina ... were always the main focus of my life and many times the only reason worth living for! They have turned out to be intelligent, caring, beautiful, individuals; whom I am proud to call friends!

Although I do "worry" about their futures, it's not because I doubt them but because we are growing further apart than I ever expected would happen. I miss them terribly, especially talking to them and having them understand me. Talking on a phone is difficult for me and unfortunately they do not understand that because I am unable to explain it properly. So, I'll just write my thoughts here and maybe send them a copy later.

Deborah: Has turned out to be a much better mother than I was! Has matured more in the past 10 years then I thought she would. I hope her future holds more benefits than trails. I can see her being an awesome mother and grandmother. I haven't "worried" too much about her future for a few years now.

Amanda: Wow! What can I really say that would express my surprise and wonder at how she has made decisions and change her life. I know she will be able to do whatever she puts her mind to! I moved away so she could have a future, one without having to care for an ailing psychotic mother. I hope the future hold lots of love and children for her because I know she deserves it and will make a wonderful mother. I don't "worry" about her often because she has proven she can handle pretty much anything.

Jennifer: Surprised she is still single and not surprised. I worry about her seeming inability to connect on a deeper level with a partner. I thought she'd settle down before any of the others; but, I was and am worried about how much the past "hurts" have effected her. It's not that she can't connect on that level, it's more finding someone else who is able to! To me it's like she has the most appropriate maturity and behaviour for her age. Although sometimes I still see that teenage side of her trying to sneak out. I hope the future hold everything she wants in it, whether that be a husband and children or a bright career and hope. I am glad she reaches out when she needs to but I wish she would understand how hard it is for me to connect on a phone.

Christina: My "teenager", never got the chance to be a teenage when she was that age but seems she is going through it now. Definitely has some issues around "commitment" and has not really turned out like I thought she would. That is not a negative thing though, it's more an adjustment thing for me. I do worry, a lot, about her and her future, mainly because I don't know how far away from the family and me it will take her. { I really, really miss my little Kissy}By that I mean the sweet, overly loving, overly insightful, sensitive little girl she was; but, I know everyone must grow up.{including me} Unfortunately, I don't know whether she sees the change or it's just my sight that's skewed now. I know she says she is the same person; but, that is like me saying I am the same person.... we both stopped "pretending" and now we've grown further apart;-(
I hope she can find the strength and spiritual guidance she so desperately needs! I hope her future hold only the best! Unfortunately, I see a future without her in my life and that makes me soo sad.

My future: what I hope is that I will get a place of my own, that I will be able to climb out of debt, that I will find my health improves with time and that I will lose weight. However, I see a future without much hope for any of those things, a future separated from my daughters with my own inability to communicate via phone or Internet gradually driving them away. Otherwise, not much of a future for me; but, that just goes along with how I view my future. I can never see much hope for improvements in my life.

I've read and heard a lot about " 'visualizing' the future you want and staying positive" and how that supposedly can create the future you have visualized but I use to do that as a young women and it never happened and, thus, I lost faith in that. Faith is something I need to work on! Whether it be faith in God, faith in people or just faith in myself, I lack conviction and need to attempt to refocus. Perhaps then I will be able to see a future for myself!

Winter Blues and My "Answer"

2011-01-29T22:32:00.000-07:00

Anyone who has read my notes on FB or my blogs here, knows I suffer from SADS/ seasonal depression. This year I've been trying to keep most of my feelings and emotions under "lock and key" , my fingers idle and my mouth shut. That is the main reason I have not written much in either place. However, a minor/secondary reason is the knowledge that few read these or care what I am thinking most of the time and the fact that I feel restricted about what I can write here.

This winter has had it's ups and downs and I'm sure more to come, since we've a few months to go yet. Being out in a small town has been beneficial to me, in regards to the depression, anxiety and paranoia. Most of the benefit comes from being able to go for a walk or shut myself in my room, when I need a "break". That is one reason I am hoping to get a place of my own by next fall.

For now my "answer" to the depression is to walk it off, hide out in my room and just remind myself that I am human and sometimes misjudge things I see or hear, especially while battling a "black" period. I wish I could say faith was my "answer" ;but, though it helps, I'm still such an infant when it comes to "having faith". Right now there are a few thoughts and circumstances in my life that don't seem to "fit" with the doctrine teachings of most of the family and that has led to a stagnation of my "spiritual growth". I know I could search for some type of "religion" or "belief system" that would agree with my preconceived notions and circumstances; but, then I would just be looking for an "out" to keep me a "spiritual baby" instead of growing. I think what I really need to do is exercise some self discipline and just have faith I will learn the right things...... either through the doctrine I do listen to or through events in my life.

Until then, I will keep struggling through the winter and remaining somewhat quiet and withdrawn.

PS> Thanks for reading this and please mark read in the boxes under the blog.

Imaginary People

2011-01-10T00:54:00.000-07:00

"Imaginary people" are people who do not exist in reality of this world. Some of the best gaming friends I've had on FB and some of the best friends I've had on FB use "imaginary people" as their way of interacting or gaming. This has never really bothered me. The reason it does not bother me that much is there is no way to know {truly} who anyone is on the Internet anyways. There is a freedom that comes with not having to be one's self while playing games on FB. I have been an "imaginary person" to play games on FB; but, I do not let many people get close to me when I play. However, there is something I would like to clear up... that is about the "parts", "others", etc.

The parts or others, as I prefer to call them are NOT imaginary people. They are as real as me! The others have personalities, beliefs and thoughts different than me. They just exist inside of me. Now, some people understand this; but, many just make jokes about it or believe I am lying. The thing is, I wish I was lying or didn't know of their existence; but I'm not lying and do know. Although I do know a lot about Dissociative Personality Disorder {Multiple Personality Disorder was what it was once called}, I do not believe that is exactly what is happening in my head. For one thing, I usually do have some memory of what occurred while one of the others was "in control" and do not have much time where I do not recall or missing time. In fact, I am usually aware of what is happening but unable to stop my body from doing what the other wants.

The others have sabotaged many relationships I have had in the past, including "friendships"on FB and even writing or talking about them has caused me great anxiety. I do resent people saying they are "imaginary" or I am lying! Also, I resent those who make jokes about something they do not understand! It;s been very difficult to explain exactly what is going on in my brain regarding this and I took a "leap of faith" in sharing it with anyone. Unfortunately, that has caused great difficulties and problems for me with "friends" and family. Thus I have tried to restrict my writings at those times when I feel myself "blanking out".

Suzy/Susan was not an "imaginary person" because she is another part of me or one of the "others"! Though we both have some things in common, she dealt with anger and hurt in a different way than me. Her FB account was set up to allow the "others" to have some freedom to interact with the "world" in a safe manner. Her account was not set up to be friends with any person in particular or to "cheat" in games on FB. However, due to the problems that occurred with allowing the "others" that freedom, I removed those accounts and will not/have not reactivated them.

Back to other "imaginary people". I am not sure how many of my "friends" on FB are imaginary people and honestly do not know if any of those whom I had "trouble" with on FB are now on my account under a false name and, to be honest, don't care. What I do care about is trying to understand people and learning more about myself in the process. That is one reason I do miss a few "friends" I use to have on FB because they always seemed to trigger an emotional response that made me aware of things about myself that I was not aware of before. That allowed me to learn more about myself and just what I needed to do to change those things I didn't like when I discovered them in myself. All kind of confusing but it makes sense in this "screwed up" brain of mine. I only wish it didn't have to happen at anyone else's expense and that I could have learned how to explain myself better to those people without causing so much pain for everyone! Unfortunately, apologies are never enough and regret is only self harming.

Not A Positive Person

2011-01-06T20:24:00.000-07:00

I am not a positive person! I know this about myself and it really bothers me that so many people keep telling me to be more positive. Heck, they might as well say "Shut up!" because during the winter I don't think I would ever write anything of a positive nature. This blog may be the exception.
I have tried, in the past, to be more positive; but, there just isn't a lot in my life to be positive about. Mostly my daily life is pretty mundane, except for a "crazy" yet entertaining family. My health is poor and most conditions are "treatable" but not "curable". Meaning doctors can only treat the symptoms. My mental health if improving but I am a long way from normal and in the winter the depression always becomes worse. Financially, I am poor and being unable to work due to health issues that is not going to change.

However, there is a lot in my life that I am grateful for, except I often forget during the darkest times of depression. I am blessed to have had four wonderful children who have turned into very impressive, intelligent, beautiful women! I am blessed to have a family that cares about me and tries to take care of me, though sometimes they do get annoying. I am blessed to have three wonderful, loving grandkids, who see past all my faults to my caring heart. I am grateful that I do have an opportunity to learn more about God and myself every day. I am grateful that, though I am "homeless", I have a room to sleep in and a place to spend the days that is warm.I am grateful that I don't have to go hungry, even if I don't like what there is to eat I can always eat something.

Thus, I do recognize the positives in my life, most of the time; but, when I am having a rough day/night I tend to focus on the negative. I write to get the negative out of my head! Therefor, most of my writings, status updates and such tend to be negative at those times. That is when I am grateful for the friends who take the time to respond and be positive towards me. Their positive attitudes and/or support help me to regain focus on the positive nature of this world when I need it the most. For that I will always be grateful!!!!

Being Truthful?

2011-01-04T22:38:00.002-07:00

I do try my damnedest to be as truthful as possible with everyone I "meet"; but, sometimes it just isn't worth it because I wind up hurting others or being judged for it. This is especially true with family! Although many in my family say they want the truth about things, what they really want is an agreement with the way they see things. That is the case with too many people I meet! So, I try not to outright lie but withhold most of my thoughts and feelings from most people. This blog is one place where I try to let all the crap/feeling out and remain truthful. Unfortunately, due to my mental illnesses, the "dissociative states" I sometimes experience and my fear and paranoia , that has not always been possible. Still, the one thing I've got going for me on writing these blogs is that not a lot of people read them or respond to them, giving me a sense of freedom to express the true me.

I believe it is not possible for anyone to be 100% truthful without others eventually feeling hurt over something. The main crux then is "do I wish to hurt others? ", for me the answer in no {unfortunately I have and that I regret}. When I first started "Social Network" games and "friendships" I tried to be honest in my own pathetic, mental way. Regretfully that only wound up hurting others and myself. This lead to much confusion, being "blocked", being "deleted" and generally more depression for myself. Though I did learn a lot about myself and "proper" "social site etiquette", in the end it changed nothing. I am still blocked, deleted and hurting over the misunderstandings.

As far as family goes, few if any of my family members read these blogs. That has given me more freedom to "let off steam" and generally bitch about them. If any of my siblings or extended family read some of these blogs there would be much misunderstanding and little clarifying of intentions. Of course that has happened with some "friends" who have read my blogs, especially the ones I've gone back and deleted or the ones by the "others".
I suppose that is bound to happen again; but, there is no reason to jump to conclusions for my email is on this blog and open to anyone!

2011 And Still Battling Depression

2011-01-02T19:24:00.001-07:00

Tonight I am very down, no big surprise there. I just feel like if I can't get my own place soon I'd be better off dead! There is constant strife, for me, over the current "living" arrangements. Seems like, not only am I expected to pay room and board; but, I'm expected to do whatever work Mom or Martin thinks I should. They constantly jump on me if I say anything slightly "negative" about the meals, because they cook and do dishes. It's not that I ask them to cook, for I'd be satisfied with frozen dinners every night! I spend as little time there as I think is plausible for me, and spend as much time in "my room" as I can. I would do my own laundry; but, I always forget and I don't really feel like doing theirs too; plus, if I did it at Betty's she'd probably want to charge me more and I can't even afford a nickel more.

Financially, I can't afford to snack, smoke, visit my kids or even breathe.... at least that is what it feels like. I owe too many people too much money and there is no end in sight! My credit sucks, so there is no chance of any type of consolidation of debts. I could try the lottery but I don't think I would have any luck and then I'd just be further in debt.

My health is getting worse, not better and that means I will have to cut out most food and all snacks. I must quit smoking; but, then I've always known that and lack the will power. Perhaps it's because it's even more depressing to realize I can no longer enjoy anything I do in this life and that is why I find myself unable to force myself to quit smoking, quit snacking and quit the computer. All of which I'm pretty sure I could do if I chose to sleep through life.

Perhaps death is not such a bad idea. I mean after that there are no more worries, no more depression and no more pain! Plus there are some of you who would probably enjoy me being gone. You know who you are.

Deliberately Ignored Opportunities

2010-12-30T21:11:00.000-07:00

I had several opportunities to add certain people as "friends" on Facebook and deliberately did not! First, I am not adding friends randomly or past "friends" through any invitation from me; but, I am always willing to accept "friend" requests from others, even those who have deleted or blocked me before. Even if those people ever took it upon themselves to quit "hiding", I would not try to add them! I only want FB friends who wish to have me as a friend. Thus no more friends requests from me going out to anyone except if a close friend suggests someone I have never had the opportunity to get to know.

I did send a "friend request" to my ex-husband on Facebook; but, that was because he is "friends" with my daughters and plays a game I play, no other reason!

I have set my privacy on friends only a few times and may do so in the future. This is not a response to anyone who may have been a past "friend" or an attempt to keep information from anyone; but, just a desire to be left alone for a short period of time. I prefer to keep my privacy settings on Everybody or Friends of Friends because I have nothing to hide! Those who know me well and understand me are always welcome to read anything I write, either here or on Facebook. I will try not to respond to paranoia but those who know me know I am quite loony and tend to fluctuate on decisions and thoughts!

As for "opportunities" to add anyone in particular....NO Thanks! If anyone wishes to add me fine, otherwise just use these writings here to keep "slamming me" or as fuel for "rants". Yep, that is a little paranoia showing through! My "notes" on Facebook will remain for FB friends, as those who read them at least try to clarify things before jumping to conclusions and that is what friends do!

I have thought of deactivating my account on Facebook several times over the last few months; but, I refuse to be someone else's puppet and I still enjoy a few games and really enjoy interacting with a few friends. Will I ever leave Facebook? Probably not, for there are some family members I would not be able to interact with other than on FB. I do have accounts on several other "social sites", won't name them here; but, I enjoy my true friends on Facebook!

I will continue to ignore any "opportunities" to add certain people as I am aware they could not// would not understand me! Which in reality I don't hold any resentment over because there are days/months where I don't/can't understand me!

End Of The Year Thoughts

2010-12-30T00:24:00.004-07:00

I see I have several "invisible" followers, meaning they chose to follow anonymously. I just got to wonder why(?); after all my aim on this blog is to be as open and honest as I can and to share whatever little insight or knowledge of life I have and I would appreciate knowing whom I am sharing with. There are a few people, whom I use to be friends with on Facebook, that I really do not wish to be open and honest with anymore.After all, if you can't even be a "friend" on Facebook then why the Hell would you follow my writings on here? You obviously do not believe what I write or say and you sure don't deserve to know what's happening in my life!

That said, here is what's happening and a few thoughts about it.
I have now "settled in" at Smith, living with my mother during the day and in my room, at Betty's, mainly at night. Often I try to spend 2 days per week at the Smith library to do my Facebook games and any downloads, which saves me money on the air card. Still my schedule is pretty much determined by my ability to get a ride to the library and what, if anything, my mom needs me to do for her.
Wishing I could get a place of my own; but, also afraid that if I do I will not be capable of looking after myself. Getting a little tired of the attitude I get around here sometimes, wish people could behave more grown up.

Saw a new doctor who ran a bunch of tests; mostly just confirming past diagnosis and attempting to find cause/causes for headaches, memory loss, dizziness and a few other things. Lead to the discovery that I have a "mature Infarct" in my brain that could be from the bleed on the brain or from small vessel disease. The doctor thinks it may be a cause of some of the symptoms. If it is small vessel disease, I'm not sure what can be done to prevent another stroke or further damage.
Actually, I know I must quit smoking, must monitor my blood sugar and high blood pressure better and must get my cholesterol count down. Problem being, it means a whole new "diet" and more will power than I am currently capable of. Otherwise, it is possible that I will have another stroke or further brain damage {well that should make some of you "happy"}.

So much frigging debt accumulated over the past few years. I owe my daughter Amanda big time and now I owe my mom for the computer. As well, I will have to check out my credit history and find out what if anything can be done to improve it.
Thinking I can't do much about it unless I win a lottery or some one gives me a break on debt; neither likely to happen!

Mentally, the seasonal depression is back and I'm still struggling with social phobia; but, at least I feel less stressed and better able to keep focused.
The parts are mostly quiet and the stress from overpopulation in the city is gone. I am mostly keeping a lot to myself because I no longer feel "safe" writing a lot on here or Facebook. I don't think that will change without some kind of "miracle"; which isn't likely to happen.Plus I miss the inspiration from some of the "negative" people I use to have as FB friends.You know who you are!

Social Phobia is still a problem. I feel like I can't even interact via Internet without screwing up things! I have little hope of any change in this in 2011.
I am a total loser when it comes to being a decent friend to others! Just unable to get my meaning across, even regarding simple things let alone my feelings. Having been blocked, deleted and generally "blackballed" by many on Facebook makes me wonder if I should even attempt to overcome this.

As you can see, 2011 is going to be a year of major changes in my life! Probably going to be online a little less, especially during the nice weather days.

Death

2010-12-28T01:01:00.000-07:00

Been thinking a lot lately about this subject. Mostly about myself dying but also about my mom. Not sure I am ready to lose her or to die myself. Unfortunately, there is no choice involved in either. It's not the "afterlife" I'm that worried about it's the pain that comes from loss or from dying.

My mother will soon be 75 years old and, although she is a tenacious old broad , her health issues may come into play soon enough. I've already lost my father in 2000 and did not really handle that too well. My dad and I were not close, in the same way as my mother and I are. I think that made it "easier" to deal with; also, I knew he was suffering physically and might not be around long. Still, I did kind of fall apart; becoming so despondent I did not even fight Child Services when they removed my daughters from my care. However, with my mom, I wonder if it will be harder or easier to deal with. She has been my rock for so many years that I have no idea how I would keep it together once she's gone.

As for myself, the knowledge that I could go a lot sooner than anyone thinks, including me, makes me wonder if I am a failure at this life or whether it just may be the allotted time for me is running out. The constant headaches and the knowledge there is something wrong with my brain, does frighten me - more because I might survive a possible future stroke in an invalid type position than the actual passing from this world to the next. Plus, I know I am not prepared for that in the slightest. The stroke I suffered in 2007 was pain of a near unbearable magnitude and left me with many mental health concerns. Concerns like memory loss, an inability to organize my thoughts quickly and efficiently and a feeling of disassociation that has led to a complicated way of living and a further inability to interact with people than I had before. Though death means any pain would be over for me, I worry about those I would leave behind - those who truly care for me and would feel the loss. For I know there are many out there who actually hope I pass away and though that hurts it does leave me with the knowledge that not only "bad" and loss will come from my death.

Tonight I am particularly struggling with the thoughts that I may not have that much longer. For tonight I am battling a painful headache of the type I suffered shortly before my last stroke. It scares me to think I am so unprepared and yet so close to leaving that I can't even organize my thoughts. Though there are things I know I should do to improve my odds at surviving and to leave less pain for others behind, I seem to be unable to get myself to do them. Perhaps there is someone out there who understands and realizes I am not seeking attention or sympathy, just seeking anyone who understands me in life.Someone who may understand and benefit from all the words I've shared, someone who is willing to share with others what I have shared with them. To leave something useful in this world has always been my only hope and desire in sharing!

Can't write anymore right now. The pain, both physical and mental is too much.

Family....Mind Your Own Business!

2010-12-26T23:42:00.002-07:00

In this world there are so many who have to put their two cents in about everything, regardless if it involves them or not. I am getting so tired of it all and having a hard time biting my tongue without making myself ill. When I catch myself doing it, sadly I do sometimes,it really does make me wish i could just hibernate in my room or disappear! It makes me hate myself!

In my family, especially here, Too many pay more attention to what some other family member is or was doing rather than their own behavior/actions/ words, etc. They all think they know what is best for everyone else. For instance, I know I have to quit smoking, for my health and budget; but, I get so tired of all those who tell me how easy it is for them and how little they smoke..... hinting it should be easy for me. Plus, every little financial thing I do is inspected and criticized by 3-5 people, even when it does not concern them and I pay all of them!

Is it "family concern" or just being a busy body? Personally, I know what I should or shouldn't do and I am damn near 50; so, I don't need everyone else thinking/acting like they know best for me! I do "f*ck up" but that's my business not theirs: for I am the one who has to live with the consequences.

It's crap like this that makes me wonder if I wouldn't be better off alone or dead! Yes, I do "care too much" what others think! That has always been one of my biggest problems and biggest stresses. I just wish I knew how to stop it! It's not that I don't care for most people but that I often wish I could be less caring or invisible!
For getting crap back for every little thing one does tends to make one feel very poorly about themselves. Something I have felt for most of my life! Even the "parts" don't always "like" me and thus sabotage any type of relationship{family, friend, social, etc} that I attempt to have.

If this sounds like I am saying "poor little me", it's NOT! I don't want any "sympathy" or "coddling"; I just want to get the crap out of my brain!

PAIN!!!!

2010-12-22T16:32:00.000-07:00

I suffer from almost constant pain! It's been that way for me for the last 27 years, with each year getting progressively worse. I think I've tried just about every painkiller out there; but, few work to do more than make me feel doped and still in pain. I've also tried many "natural" remedies, vitamin "therapies" and herbal concoctions. Some days, like today, I wonder is life really worth all this pain, keep in mind I am talking about physical pain here, and will anything ever help.

There have been "suggestions" by a few people I've known who think it is all "in my head"; but, my doctors and I know it's not! I have fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, Chronic Pain Syndrome and migraines. to top it all off there are days where I get "toothaches" when I have no teeth (dentures only). Unfortunately, the only painkillers I have ever found work for me are "too strong" according to most doctors. I can get some painkillers, like Advil Migraine to work on some pains (headaches) and the anti-inflammatory medications were helping with the arthritis; but, my doctor says a person can't be on those "long term". So, just how am I suppose to get through the pain without any help from the doctors?

I have tried self medicating with marijuana and alcohol, in the past; but, unfortunately do not like some of the other "side effects" that come with using those. "Side effects" like being illegal, drunkenness, hang overs, etc! Plus, I don't like the person I become while using those as "painkillers".

I am already on many medications for many illnesses and only want to have some small time each day that is pain free! Even in my sleep I experience pain, often waking up from it! I have tried "meditation", relaxation techniques and deep breathing and sometimes find it will work for a very short period off time; but, it's such a short period of time that I never even get to "enjoy" it.

Unfortunately, due to my living arrangements and anxiety, I can not " enjoy" a long, hot bath...... which use to help. I haven't been able to relax in a bath since I had my four daughters! First off, because I was a single mom but now because I just find my anxiety increasing with the thoughts that someone else may need the washroom or someone may come to the door.

Today and this evening the pain is from my right neck/shoulder down my arm and has been "driving me crazy" all day! This despite taking several Tylenol 3's and using Diclo ointment, which only served to make me fuzzy headed and yet still in pain.

I guess I'll self medicate tomorrow if the pain continues, especially since the arthritis in my hips and knees has also been "acting up".

My First Christmas Without My Daughters

2010-12-20T20:17:00.000-07:00

This Christmas will be the first one without any of my girls;-(
It will also be the first Christmas for many of them without mom or sisters. Things are just too expensive and jobs are too scarce for many of them to make it "home" for Christmas. It doesn't help that I have no "home". Guess it just goes to prove that they are all grown up and busy with lives of their own. Lives which I am very proud of and grateful that they have to live. Deb is having the in-laws for Christmas: Amanda is away in Victoria, BC; Jenn is working;and the youngest is in London,UK.... not sure what she's doing for Christmas but she can't afford to fly home and she works there.

Sure I will have siblings and my mom around but it's not the same. I can't even afford to call them or connect via Skype on my stick; plus I'm not sure where I will be spending most of Christmas day. I will be thinking of my girls, though. Hopefully I will get to see many of them leading up to Christmas or before the New Year, with the exception being the one in London; we'll have to work out something between us re: instant messaging. I'm thinking this year will be tough for many of us; but, I know we will all find some way to "enjoy" ourselves...... minus a huge onset of Depression.

Couldn't afford to buy anyone gifts; but, that's not the purpose or meaning we celebrate Christmas for. However, I was able to get a little something by cashing in points on a card. Getting to hear their voices would be more than gift enough for me!

I had thought it would be harder for me than it seems to be, at the moment, but knowing they are such wonderful caring women now makes it easier to acknowledge that being their mom is not reason enough for them putting out a huge expense and working out any job issues to spend one snowy, cold winter day with me and honestly, I don't think it should be! Still I hope to hear from them over the next couple of weeks, if I haven't already, as I got to see Amanda and Jenn recently.

Well, here's wishing anyone who reads this a Very Merry Christmas and a Bountiful and Happy New Year!!!

Following Blogs

2010-12-07T15:34:00.000-07:00

My thoughts are that if one chooses to follow a blog, one should read and respond to something on that blog. If only to mark read when they read it or interesting if they get something out of it. It says I have 25 followers on this blog; but, so many of the posts have no boxes marked and no comments, that I wonder if anyone does read any of them. Of course I keep writing for myself mostly. However, it would be nice too know if anyone really reads these or not.

I have become a follower on a few blogs; but, one has either deleted the blog or blocked me and many of the others I just don't get time to read.. When I do I try to respond in an appropriate fashion, which can be hard when the only response can be a comment because I don't think the same as most people and do not want to chance annoying someone else {other than those I apparently annoyed before}. Sometimes I do read and leave nothing to show I have read; but, I wind up feeling uncomfortable about being a follower in that case and so remove myself if possible.

I use to have many, many blogs which I or the others wrote on but then deleted most of them due to an attempt to control the others and their getting "out". Since moving here, I have only lost control a few times for a short while. Mostly I find that, since the stress is much less and I can walk out some of it, only deep anger and frustration lead to a moment of being "out of it". As for blogs, I still retain the few here and maybe one other. I'll have to check that later.

If anyone wishes to contact me too speak directly about anything I write they are welcome to contact me on Facebook {as a few have} or at ddjay@live.ca. Please, if you are a "follower of this blog, mark read if you do.

Siblings

2010-12-05T23:26:00.000-07:00

Just a few of my thoughts about siblings. I have plenty of them, six full siblings and 3 half-siblings. Many times over the past 49 years I have wished that I didn't have so many siblings, this is not one of those times. Although there are a few I have little or nothing to do with, meaning they and I do not keep contact or interact in any way.

I have been abused by many of my siblings growing up; but, I also abused a couple myself. All is forgiven but not all is forgotten, for it does influence how I react to other people and to certain emotions. I have taken the opportunity to speak with those I abused and try to "work things out", meaning apologies from me and acknowledging what occurred without giving excuses. For it's the "excuses" I've been given over the years which I find gives me a feeling that the abuses have been trivialized and how they affected me ignored. Sibling abuse is one area of "child abuse" that is often overlooked and ignored by many "professionals". Perhaps because "sibling rivalry" is expected and the abuses are lumped in with that as a means of explaining them away, rather than dealing with them and the long term damage done by them. I have written a few blogs about some of the abuse I went through at the hands of my siblings but there is some things I never wrote about and ,even now, can't really verbalize or write out.

Since I have moved up to Smith, I am "surrounded" by siblings. I reside with a sister and brother, throughout the evenings and nights, and spend a fair amount of time with another brother during the days. Plus one other brother lives up here and we frequently see each other. Still I do not spend a lot of time interacting with my siblings, instead spending a lot of time in "my room" or doing things away from my sibling. Though I do appreciate having them around more than I use to. "Friends" of my siblings are not necessarily friends of mine, just as "enemies " of theirs are not "enemies"of mine. For we are separate people with different personalities, morals and thoughts. Unfortunately, I have learned , the hard way, that not all families are like this.

The two most important siblings in my life are probably my older sister and my younger brother. For we spent a lot of years growing up together and helping each other through "rough" patches. Though my sister and I seem to get along fairly well, there are still times where that "sibling rivalry" comes into play. Unfortunately, things with my brother are strained lately, mostly due to his "drinking" and my aversion to males who drink. I do not expect this to change anytime soon, for he is going through a similar "identity crisis" as I have been struggling through. However, I will keep hoping for the patience and understanding to get through whatever comes with my siblings.

Right now I would very much like to have my own place to live so I could "get away" if only for awhile. There are personality traits in some of my siblings that I am just not able to tolerate or "deal with". The major problems are mine, not theirs!

Words And Emotions Part II

2010-11-28T02:14:00.000-07:00

"I often have major trouble finding the appropriate words to express exactly what I mean. This is especially true when it comes to describing my emotions. Perhaps because emotions were not really encouraged or described when I was growing up. Rather I was taught, by most adults I knew, that emotions were not really acceptable. Thus, I shut down for many years. When I started to allow myself to feel things again, I found that it was difficult and often only the most negative emotions would come through, bringing with them the most negative memories.

Even now many in my family tend to discourage emotions. {I'm not sure "discourage" is the right word but I'm using it anyways.} I am often told "stop being so emotional" and berated myself internally every time I allow my emotions to show too much to others. Sure it's easier for me to write than most but somehow I think most people don't understand how hard it can be for me to describe something so that they understand. The exception to this is when I "talk" to someone who has been through a lot of what I have or am going through. Thus it is very hard on me when someone misunderstands what I have written or jumps to conclusions without actually understanding.

The fact is this ~ it often takes me a while to write out anything and then I often go back and edit when I find it's been misunderstood. Words can be so difficult in English because they have so many different meanings to so many different people; Words are often affected by class and geographical usage as well."

Something discovered, through much grief and self learning, is that my attempts to cut emotion out of my life lead to more than just being "shut down"; they led to the development of "parts" inside my head that handle certain situations that trigger emotions.

I first discovered this , shortly after my stroke in 2007, during a very emotionally turbulent time in my life. I have found that stress can trigger a dissociative state in my mind, in which I become an observer and these "parts" act out { meaning they become the main interact-or with the outside world}. During the worst of the episodes, I often do not remember what I said or did until a later time. That has led to more misunderstandings and, thus, more emotional crises.

Moving out of the city has benefited me, in that I have much less stress and am able to rely less on the "parts" to handle emotions because I rarely get emotional and when I do I can usually take a walk or go to my room.
However, there are still times, like when I get "pissed off", that I feel myself slipping away.

I know very few people understand any of this and some even think I am lying, I'm not! Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction. I just wish that I knew of others out there who deal with this type of issue { I do not believe this is multiple personality disorder or dissociative personality disorder} because then I would know someone understand. Usually when I speak of this to family members they just make a joke about it or pass it off as being "too emotional" or "too sensitive".

Oh well, guess I just have to "suck it up" and "learn more doctrine".

My Current Thoughts On Depressive Reality

2010-11-22T19:05:00.000-07:00

Tonight it finally hit me hard, I can never be myself or honest with family! They don't really care what I think or feel, they only want me to react and behave as they think I should. Anything else is unacceptable and just tends to tick them off or get me harassed. Welcome to reality Dot!

It's definitely winter and I am definitely struggling with the seasonal depression. Does anyone truly understand? Not in this family! They think I should be able to bury it, ignore it or just plain get over it. I'm only allowed to have feelings and opinions that are positive, any others must be hidden or "overcome".

Of course most of it is due to the fact that I am "homeless"! I have a room in my sister's trailer and eat and live at my mothers; but, I truly have no place to call home. I cannot buy my own groceries, I cannot sleep when I want to, I cannot do much without my mother's permission. The truth is it will not get any better if I do find a place of my own because I am not truly capable of looking after myself properly any more and no one really understands that either, including me.

Sure, sure, "have faith in God and things will work out" is what I always hear. Unfortunately, God has given me the double dose of Depression and all the physical ailments. God keeps me in poverty and does not provide "all the answers", as everyone who believes in Him keeps telling me. It's not that I do not trust or believe it's just that it doesn't cure Depression or the physical problems, it doesn't give me a place to live or a voice about what is happening to me.

Reality is living in spite of what God does or doesn't provide. Reality is I can use God's strength to deal with things! Truth is I don't always do that because I don't always think of it! Reality is all my belief is not going to change my reality!!

Depressive reality is I can never "be myself" because too many people do not accept or understand me and never will! Thus the parts will keep coming back, even if I fight against it. Depressive reality is my memory is so bad that I can't feed myself because I don't trust myself to cook and I don't trust God not to let me burn wherever I live down.Depressive reality is I don't drive and can't afford a vehicle even if I did and so will always have to rely on family or even strangers to drive me to doctors and test. Depressive reality is I can't handle others anger or disappointment in me and so will pretend to be what they need me to in order to avoid those things. Depressive reality is that even if everyone in the world understood me and accepted me I don't think I will ever feel like I belong during the double Depression time!

I have tried to be upbeat and positive in my blogs and writings lately but I just can't keep it up. Those who truly accept me will understand, those who don't I can do nothing about.

My Facebook Life

2010-11-17T00:30:00.000-07:00

Yes, I do call it a life! I mainly say that because it is my only way of interacting "socially" with other people or at least the one way I am most comfortable with besides this blog.

What I really think is what I have shared over FB and this blog. However, the sharing on Facebook has been curtailed by moving to a small "hamlet" with limited, expensive wireless connections.Also, now that it's winter again and the Chronic Depression and Seasonal Depression are looming again, I have decided to become more private on Facebook. Therefore, tonight I changed my settings to mainly "friends only"or "friends of friends". Of course that means that "new" people will not be able to search for me or add me as a friends; but, if anyone reads this and actually does want to be a Facebook friends they are free to email me via the email listed for this blog and we can work something out.

I have never really considered myself a "social" person. For most of my life I thought I just had difficulty "handling" other people. By that I mean I tolerated social situations on most occasions and the only time I actually enjoyed most of them was when I was drinking or gambling. Now, I am more aware that I do crave some interaction with other people; but, I am not good at it and still feel strange and anxious about it. That is why a social site like Facebook is a good place for me to have a "life" with friends and support. There are a lot less chances for social screw ups over the Internet; but, I still found them and freely admit I made some huge mistakes. However, sharing, caring and honesty were not the mistakes I am talking about.

With all the pain and crap I went through my first few years on Facebook, there is/ was always an abundance of wonderful friends and experiences to counter balance. Plus, most of that pain and crap was caused by my own stupidity, paranoia and social awkwardness. Still I learned a lot and took much of it as opportunities to learn and grow. For my belief is everyone should continually learn and grow with the hopes of being better people, especially for myself!

Sharing on Facebook has been my way of supporting others and learning from others. It has brought me many interesting, wonderful friends who can be understanding, patient and supportive!On the other hand it has
brought much pain, tears, stress, anger and emotional turmoil that also brought a clarity of who I am and who I want to be.

So a grateful Thanks to everyone who took a chance on me and even those who tried and failed at developing any friendship. A Special thanks to those few who tried more than once!

Facebook Notes and Blogs on Blogspot

2010-11-14T21:41:00.000-07:00

I have noticed that certain people have blocked and unblocked me on FB, only to block me again. Why?

I don't know; but, I guess they have their reasons. However, if it is because of anything I have written or will write it is ridiculous! After all, my writings are mainly about my "thoughts" and "opinions" and, even when I say there are people I "know/knew" who behave/d a certain way, it is purely ego that makes them assume I am writing about them. I know/knew many, many people and have been blocked by many; which I wrote about earlier.

There are even a couple who added me or I added several times;but, unfortunately friendship never did work into it or out of it. There is only one person whom I have ever named and then I usually removed those posts shortly after I made them.

I have said and will repeat - I hold no ill will towards anyone and blame myself for all screw ups and failures!!!

I write to get crap off my mind and let some know they are not alone! Though I gladly share with anyone I expect no one to jump to conclusions that what I am writing is about them. Always ask me!! My blog has an email link and my FB page has an email address too.

Though the majority of my notes are visible only to friends and friends of friends on FB (a few are visible to anyone), my blogs are open to anyone! What I write on my blogs is often things I share on FB at a later date; but sometimes I don't share blogs on FB. I rarely ever share FB notes on my blogs.

That said, I will continue to write what and when I feel like it. Though I am always open to discussion about my writings and will even remove or reword some when asked, I will not be silenced!

Fear or Anxiety

2010-11-13T00:39:00.000-07:00

I have battled many fears in my life. Some of the fears became phobias, which I struggled to overcome; some I have, some only partially and some still remain. To me fear is more than being anxious or expecting the worse; it is a lack of faith that any given situation or event will cause no harm, to those I love or myself. I usually have a strong faith and believe that God, or whatever you wish to call Him, will protect us; but, at times, that faith isn't as strong as it should be mainly because I know God has His own plans and they may not jibe with mine. Besides, What I think of as "harm" and "too much to handle" may not, because it has not always been, what God thinks of as "harm" or "too much".

I have been claustrophobic since I can remember and it is one fear I have not truly overcome. Though I can handle some limited space, I still fear being trapped in a small space for any length of time.

I do fear being judged/criticized by others in social situations, which is Social Phobia,and even though I try not to I just can't help it because I know I have never "fit in" and probably never will. I just never really learned how to socialize with people outside of my family without pretending to be someone other than who I feel I am inside.Also, I have met so few people like my family or myself, who can accept others for who they are and try to understand and not judge.

I had a fear of lightning and thunder from when I was a small child. I have "overcome" that fear, in that I understand both and how they work and do not think "harm" will come. However, I still have a physical reaction of anxiety during lengthy storms.

I battled a fear of heights for many years and feel that in most cases I can handle heights; the only exception being when I am close to the edge at a height of over 2 stories. Then the anxiety comes.

In truth, I believe that I am not as afraid as I use to be and have been able to handle the anxiety in most situations; but, there are still times when I prefer not to expose myself to the anxiety. There is just something about the tightness in my chest, the racing heart, the feeling of not being able to breath and the feeling of being overwhelmed that I find discomforting. I know I should work harder on battling the anxiety and the physical symptoms; but, sometimes wonder why. After all, I'm the one who has to live with it and should be able to choose to avoid those situations that cause it, as long as there is no necessity for me to face those situations.

On the other hand, what really gets to me is when people think I am afraid and it's just anxiety, which to me is a physical reaction. What I mean is my body has those reactions even when my mind knows there is no reason for them! { It's like when I feel a connection with a person even when there is no reason to.} Totally frustrating, especially when you don't want to react or feel a certain way!

Can anyone understand any of this?

Tests, Tests and More Tests

2010-11-08T21:54:00.000-07:00

Before I moved out of Edmonton, I had a lot of medical tests done. Some of these were a bone densitometry, Blood tests to check copper levels and sugar levels, ultrasounds for fibroids,and some "female" tests. The intention was to get a fair idea of my health before the move and have some results for any new doctor I might see. Well, that didn't really work out that well. Apparently, my old doctor never sent my complete file to the new one and therefore the new one does not have those results. So, today I went for a lot of tests.... 10 vials of blood, an ECG and 10+ x-rays and that's just the beginning. Tomorrow I go to Edmonton for a Doppler ultrasound on my arteries in my neck, to check for any blockages as seen shortly after I had my stroke in 2007.
Then in January I go for ultrasound on my abdomen.

There is a host of symptoms I experienced, before the stroke in 2007, that I am re-experiencing now. This new doctor just wants to be sure that they are not a precursor to another stroke. Most of these tests are going to be forwarded to the Stroke Clinic in Edmonton; so they will have a good idea where my health stands and what I may require to avoid any future stroke.Still, today I left feeling like a pin cushion which was contorted into different positions to find a missing pin!

I understand the necessity of all the tests; but, if it's anything like the past answers, there is nothing the health profession can actually do besides alleviate the symptoms. Seems doctors fall back on "diseases" that are little understood and "not treatable" whenever they can't find out exactly what is causing certain symptoms nowadays.
All those tests and no real answers, tends to make me a very cranky, somewhat depressed person early in the season.

Lessons From My Life

2010-11-05T00:34:00.000-06:00

I hate when I get the courage to be honest with someone only to have them misinterpret what I have said and throw it back in my face over and over! Guess by now I should have learned that, even when you think you can be honest with someone, they may not understand or be capable of understanding what you said.

Lesson: Honesty does not always pay!!!!!!!!!

I have been through a lot of , excuse the expression, shit during my 49 years of life and personally think I will go through a lot more before I die. Sexual assault, Molestation, Rape, Physical Abuse, Mental Abuse, Financial Abuse, Mental Illness, Addictions galore, Poverty and many, many Rejections are just some of the things I have shared or will eventually share. That does not include everything; but, there are things I just can't trust myself to write about or others to understand.

Lesson: If I am meant to survive, I will!

My parenting "style" was basically provide the necessities of life for my kids, teach as much of my knowledge to my kids, Help them get healthy or remain healthy and find someone else to provide what I thought I could not provide. Meaning, attempting to be the best role model I could be and letting my kids know there were other choices for role models if I wouldn't do for them. I still feel as if I failed as a parent; but, my kids still managed to turn out to be decent people.

Lesson: Kids can make the right choices in spite of the type of parenting they receive!

Honestly, I've been a sexual being since I was gang raped as a child. I've always desired that physical contact; sometimes to the point of being an addict. Sure, I went years being celibate, while raising my daughters; but, I had choices and chose not to take them. Also, I did/do use my weight to keep any potential partners away. Still, sex is almost constantly on my mind. I have learned much about sex and shared that knowledge with a few (unfortunately, too much with my girls);but, I often wish I knew others like myself who wouldn't mind discussing the subject. However, just because I'd like to talk about it does not mean I need a sexual relationship with anyone.

Lesson: Sex is a subject that is difficult for many to talk about without acting on it or thinking others want to act on it!

There is a significant amount of Mental Illness within my immediate and extended family. Most of us have no problem acting "crazy" or just giving into the Illness when we want to. The problems arise when we are open and honest about our "lunacy" and others jump to conclusions based on some "silly" behaviour!

Lesson: It's OK to be crazy with family but strangers rarely understand!

There are a lot of things I have learned throughout life that I could share but the truth is I have no idea what others want to read about or hear. That's where my social inadequacy comes in - I've never managed to "fit in" anywhere in life and feel comfortable enough to be myself.

Doctors

2010-11-02T22:00:00.000-06:00

I've definitely seen more than my share of doctors over the last 33 years. I have had physical health problem for that long. As a teenager, I worked some jobs that required a lot of heavy lifting; it was during one of these that I first started having back problems. Mostly, I only switched doctors due to moving a lot; but, once or twice, I switched due to a loss of faith in the doctor I was seeing. Truthfully, I've rarely found a doctor I had total confidence in because so many doctors are to eager to push medication without clear diagnosis and some are just so overbooked and overworked that they do not take the time to listen or do testing {which often requires a return visit}.

I had three different doctors deliver my four children. The first was too expensive, the second delivered 2 of my girls but I wasn't comfortable with that doctor after the comments made during the birth of my third daughter, the third doctor - who delivered my youngest- was the best one.

I've moved many, too many times, over the years and have had many doctors - most of whom have either been trying to see as many patients as possible or have no real interest in finding out what is the cause of symptoms and therefore only treat the symptoms. I'am really hoping the doctor I saw today is different.

I was impressed with his thoroughness upon first meeting me (last Tuesday). The first thing he did was book an appointment for a full physical, read my last doctor's forwarded information on me and make me comfortable with him. Today he proceeded with the physical, ordered a bunch of blood tests, x-rays, ultrasounds and made steps to refer me to the stroke clinic. The referral should have happened 3 years ago, after I had the stroke; but, I never even new the clinic existed until he told me.

See, the thing is.... I've been experiencing all the things I did before my stroke over the last few months and wasn't even sure if they could be related to the stroke; but, because I was comfortable with the doctor early on I was able to ask him about it and he informed me that it should definitely be looked into A.S.A.P. All the tests are just to see where my other problems are currently at and whether I need the medications I am currently on. My other problems being arthritis, chronic pain, Fibromyalgia, migraines, numbness, Diabetes and Depression.

I am hoping this doctor will be the one who finally figures out just what is happening to this poor body of mine and get me on the right track to figuring out how to live "comfortably" with my health issues. I'm not sure I will ever be "comfortable" again in this life but if the problems can be slowed down it will be a bonus.

I already know, without needing a doctor to tell me, that I must stop smoking and lose considerably more weight to gain back a little ground. These things I am working on. Hopefully, I will quit smoking before December 31st. I've already lost over 10 lbs, since moving up here; with much more loss to come.

I'm just hoping that, unlike any other good doctor I have found, this one will remain around for a while. Too many of the good doctors burn out, retire or move out of the country.

Dot Jewell

2010-10-31T20:01:00.000-06:00

Who is Dot Jewell?

I think that would be very difficult to explain or define as I am constantly changing except me core values.

What are my core values?

Honesty:
I believe in being honest as much as possible. However, sometimes it is kinder to omit certain thoughts than share them and sometimes the truth is subjective rather than objective. I need to remember that not everyone can understand the truth or handle it.

Initial trust:
I do try to trust other people when I initially interact with them. However, due to past circumstances, I distrust 90% of the male population; giving them only limited belief for a short period of time.

Caring:
I am a very caring individual most of the time. I listen to everyone and try to help where and when I can.

Belief:
I believe in God and Jesus Christ! I do not believe in organized religion! However, I think everyone has the right to make their own choice and accept when others choice does not "jibe" with my own.

Open:
I try to be as open with others as I would want them to be with me. However, I do speak over a lot of peoples' heads and sometimes chose the wrong words to convey my thoughts. Thus, for now, my willingness to be open has declined significantly.

Dirty minded:
I was raised around dirty jokes and openness about sex . I do tend to find a dirty side to many things. However, I tend to hide this side of me from the "public" and lean towards sharing too much with family and close friends.

For now, Dot is a person with a significant amount of mental health issues and physical ailments. Time and work will change some of this but the physical side will never go away. I have found my stress and anxiety has decreased since moving to Smith but there are a new set of problems caused by the move. For instance, I now need to find a place to call home, a place of my own and that is a huge talent in a hamlet with little or no places for rent.
I am enjoying the walking and the quiet here. I also enjoy seeing wildlife outside the window; 3 deer this morning. I am glad I am kept busy most days by odd jobs around my mom's place. However, I miss being able to go on Facebook whenever I want and play whatever I want to { cost is just too high}. Plus, I miss my girls and my friends.

I have had many life changing experiences in my 49 years; but, the biggest ones have happened in the past 4 years. My stroke, trying to be a friend to certain people, moving several times and facing the knowledge that I can never return to any kind of work are the things which come to mind.

I have also faced the fact that I can never be independent again in my life. For I know I am incapable of looking after my own basic needs and yet, I am too young to enter any residence that offers the support I need. One of my worst fears, right now, is that when my mom passes away I will have no place to go and no one to help me live. I fear I will choose suicide if that happens.

Hiding My True Feelings And Thoughts

2010-10-29T22:56:00.000-06:00

I have spent the majority of my life hiding my true feelings and thoughts. I have shared thoughts openly here and on Facebook; but, sometimes I still hide a lot. When I attempted to express my feelings and thoughts, when I first got on Facebook and later - all I got for it was heartache, rejection and told to "shut up" and not "bother"people. So, I have re-learned to hide most feelings and many thoughts. Even on this blog, I just don't feel "safe" enough to reveal the true me. Growing up I was always told not to cry, not to get mad, not to be "silly" and showed not to be emotional. Even as an adult most of my family is uncomfortable with dealing with emotions.

It took me about 10-20 years to learn how to allow myself to express emotions or have feelings. For many of those years I didn't even know what feelings were. It took less than 1 year for me to learn that expressing my feelings and thoughts was unacceptable to most people and would lead to point blank rejection by many. The "splitting" of me into parts was the result of a battle to suppress emotions and thoughts again, after allowing myself to show and share. I know that battle is far from over; but, since moving up here and hiding feelings and thoughts again, I have rarely felt a loss of control that I did before - meaning the "parts" are starting to recede and allow me to handle things again.

Is it a positive thing to hide feelings and thoughts? For me, sometimes yes! Hiding is not to "fit in" and be accepted as much as it's to feel at peace with myself. Too many people out there in the world will never understand me and never even try, too many will judge and assume rather than try to find out and too many would rather reject, block and black out those they can't understand - that is just life.

It's not that I lie about what I feel or think; but, rather that I just keep silent on so much - a lie of omission I guess some people will think. However, if asked directly I attempt to be truthful; but, usually the words I choose are misunderstood and lead to much heartache{on my part} and anger{on the other person's part}.

So, it's back to hiding for this woman. At least for the most part, until such a time as I can work up the courage to be myself.

Some Of My Favorite Things

2010-10-27T23:04:00.000-06:00

Was thinking of many blogs this afternoon, while busy at mom's, and finally settled on this one because it was the least offensive and most positive. Basically, I'm going to list some of the things I've done in life/still do and some of the things I enjoy, with as brief an explanation as is possible for me.

Activities:
In Smith my favorite activities are gardening, walking, chopping wood/kindling, singing by myself(away from anyone), hot dog roasts, hauling wood and, of course, playing and writing on my computer {though I don't get as much time doing that as I would like}.
During the summer and fall, I like to work on the garden and help take the veggies and fruit in and prepare it for freezing/canning. I'm not much for planting; but will gladly weed and hoe.
I enjoy walking out here because it's usually very peaceful and quiet; plus, nature is bountiful and scenery is calming and yet invigorating. I can and do walk most of spring, summer and fall. However, my walking in the winter is usually limited to going for mail or short walks. This winter I will have the benefit of a walking machine, in the woodshed, to help keep me fit for walking the rest of the year.... that is thanks to Karen for bringing it from "Take It or Leave It".
Pretty much anything to do with the wood my mom burns in the winter, to decrease gas costs, is an activity I really enjoy; but, chopping kindling while listening and singing to my MP3 player is the most relaxing, yet thought inspiring, task I love to do!
During the summer, hot dog roasts/wiener roasts - whether here or at Lesser Slave Lake- are always pleasant, a great way to visit and enjoyable all around. There's just something about them that makes me feel relaxed and loved.
I enjoy singing, always have; but, my voice has been ruined by smoking and I am unable to sing with anyone around (for reasons I don't wish to go into}. Luckily, there are few people around me when I'm outside doing things or walking.
I really do miss spending time on Facebook, playing games and exchanging things but I just can't afford to do it as much anymore and ,now, I don't really have the time either. Miss my friends and keeping up with family and friends; but, I am sure I will get use to it...... at least until things change for me.

When interacting with people:
My favorite way to interact with the world is via computer. However, I can't do that as much as I'd like to. Via computer it is so much easier for me to think about what to "say" or just respond. Reaching out was ruined for me by past events (I think most of my readers will know what those events were but if you don't just email me and I'll tell you) and so I no longer even try......... something I will definitely have to overcome in the future; but, for now the pain is still too great.
I enjoy interacting with most family. The discussions we have while playing games or just sitting around are very entertaining and/or thought provoking. I often wish I could find others like that out there in the world but just can't seem to connect with other people in that manner. Family understands or at least tries to and there are no "boundaries" to our discussions.
I use to enjoy playing mind games with people but I just can't tolerate others like I use to. Plus some people just don't get most of my quirks and tweaks to mind games.
When "forced" to go out in public and interact, I am very shy and reserved and usually just try to stay unnoticed and silent. I say forced because it is one thing I do not like to do but will do for those I care about!

Hobbies:
I don't have many hobbies. Mostly right now, I just do crossword, Soduko or jigsaw puzzles. I use to paint white-wear/plaster and still have most of my paints and brushes but have no idea when I will get back to it. Painting was my favorite thing to do when I went to craft classes at Unity Centre; but, I never seem to find the time at home.

Anyways there is a little glimpse into the mystery that is Dot.

Nothing I can do about it

2010-10-27T00:31:00.000-06:00

Went to doctor's today and found out I might be right about the reappearance of similar symptoms that I had prior to my last stroke could be a harbinger of another stroke. Even if they are there is nothing I can do about it.

Snow has finally arrived and with it comes the "gloomy" days which can trigger my depression to be worse. I'm already on an increased dosage of antidepressants and on't really want to attempt "new"medications with all my current health issues. So, I guess there is nothing I can do about it, either.

My "parts" have pretty much gone back into "hiding" and are, thus, behaving themselves. Seems a little lonely and frightening, without them to handle the emotions that trigger anxiety and stress; but, there's nothing I can do about it.

I am blocked by some people on FB and I do miss a few of them but nothing I can do about it. Truthfully, nothing I want to do either. However, I still think they are being immature in not recognizing I continue to go and change and can/do move on without their presence { and that includes the brother that blocked me!}

I'm still looking for a place of my own but housing is scarce and not affordable here. I hope I can get a place but if I don't there's nothing I can do about it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There are so many things in life that there is "nothing I can do about it" and that use to frustrate and depress me. Now I realize that though I can do nothing about those things there is a reason for them and I just have to focus on getting from one day to the nest and let God take care of the rest.

No, I am not really religious, though I do believe in the Trinity and there being a purpose to my life. However, I recognize that many people do not share this belief and I have no intention of trying to change anyone's beliefs.

Still, the serenity I get from believing in a cause for things and a Higher power, allows me to remain more sane and stable. Walking or driving around the countryside up here helps me to accept how small I am in the grand design of things and, thereby, keeps my stress and anxiety levels down.

Even if there is "nothing I can do about it" I believe that my Higher power or Karma will take care of it..........in one way or another.

Overweight

2010-10-20T20:38:00.000-06:00

When I was a teenager, I weighed 110 lbs and never weighed more than 125 lbs before I married.I often wondered how a person could allow themselves to become so overweight or obese. I never voiced these thoughts out of respect, kindness and a knowledge that no one can know of another person's circumstances or heredity.I did have friends who openly made fun of the overweight, often being very rude to those people, and sadly, I never said anything to those friends out of fear of rejection.

I gained most of my weight during my pregnancies with my four daughters, going from 125 lbs to 246 lbs over the 5 years. I never lost weight after any pregnancy and truthfully, never tried. After all, I was and am the same person inside and didn't care what others thought of my outward appearance. I was and am an emotional eater, using food to stuff down feelings and burying traumatic memories under layers of fat. Therefore, after my separation and divorce,I continued to gain weight, I stopped weighing myself at 285 lbs and never really knew what I weighed at my heaviest {I suspect over 300lbs}.

My brother and others often told me that I was using the weight as a barrier against people, men in particular. At first I denied this; but after a while I learned , through counselling, it was/is true! However, I soon realized, that due to my family's history with heart disease and high blood pressure, I was risking my life and making my health problems worse. Though I still don't really care what others {strangers and acquaintances} think of my weight, I do care what my daughters' think. I know that, since my dad passed away in 2000 of a massive heart attack, my girls worry about me and what the weight is doing to me; they fear losing me with just cause. That does bother me; but, it also motivates me!

Thus, shortly after I moved up to my mom's, in 2005, I started a walking regime. I lost at least 70 lbs {getting down to 225lbs} over 2 years. Unfortunately, in 2007, I had a hemorrhagic stroke and I became afraid of the lack of access to medical help { it takes 30 minutes to get an ambulance and then 30 minutes to get to the nearest hospital} and moved back to the city. Choosing to live with my daughters, I regained 30lbs, I thank God it wasn't more, because my social phobia, paranoia and anxiety {all which increased after the stroke} kept me pretty much housebound and triggered the emotional eating to deal with the stress. However, eventually (through my daughter Amanda's help) I got my weight down to 245lbs.

Now, that I have moved back to my mom's, I have restarted the walking, though it will be hampered during the winter, and have lost 5 lbs. Of course, my diet has changed and will be kept more sensible, due to my mother's influence. I hope to lose a lot more, like at least 90lbs. I am doing this mostly for the benefit to my health; but, I am also doing it for my girls and grandchildren. I wish to see my current grandkids grow up and hopefully more grandkids will be born in the future. I also wish to have my girls stop worrying so much about me and be here for them.

Now, for some more thoughts regarding being overweight: All the time, since gaining weight, I have had other people calling me names, making jokes at my expense, judging me, giving me unwanted advice and generally hassling me in many ways. This did/does hurt me, no matter how much \i try to ignore it or "laugh"it off, and it depleted/depletes my self esteem. It caused/causes a lot of stress and anxiety within. Apparently, few people were ever taught kindness and respect or even indifference towards others, especially the overweight. I guess because the overweight are seen as a burden to society, due to rising medical costs and accommodation issues (in businesses and public places), the overweight are considered an "acceptable" target by many for their frustrations, jokes and sarcasm . Often the worst offenders are those who were once overweight themselves; but, "overcame" or "beat" it. My unspoken "curse" for those who use the overweight as their "punching"bags or jokes is that they gain back every pound they ever lost or that they become targets of people like themselves. Society and parents have and continue to fail to teach children that outward appearances tell you nothing about the inward person!

I have been and continue to be judged for my weight and my mental health problems. It is my opinion that no one should judge another person unless they know them well { barring outside of the law courts}. Only my family,not even all of them, know me that well! [ Those who "know" me from Facebook, whether now or previously (except a very few) do not!]

I Am Sure I Am Screwed Up But So Are A Lot Of People!

2010-10-17T15:15:00.001-06:00

Readers of my blog will understand pretty much that I battle several mental illnesses and consider myself "crazy" for good reasons. However, I know I am not the only one!
There is a long, long history in my family background of these types of battles: some people overcoming and functioning "near normal" {acceptable to society in general},some just surviving anyway they can and some losing the battles to alcohol, drugs and/or suicide. As well, I know many of my friends are fighting their own battles with varying degrees of "success" or "failure" of which they only know what it seems to them. However, there are many who chose to delete and block me from FB who are also dealing with similar issues or perhaps I should say refusing to deal with them!
I've run across these types of people many times in life and the outcome is rarely as "pleasant" or "positive" as they pretend to others! Eventually the battle always comes back to have it's way when ignored or denied! This particular type of person is capable of great damage to those surrounding them or those they come into contact with. Due to the lack of empathy or caring, beyond themselves, they deny or ignore the damage they due or blame it on the others. People like myself need to recognize that often others are incapable of understanding or just refuse to because of their own biases or problems or inhumanity! So, if you run across these people just remind yourself that some people are truly not worth it!

I have and do go by a variety of names for reasons I have tried to describe in other blogs, basically because I disassociate personality traits at times. I have shared most of these names with my blog followers and even tried to explain exactly why the separations exist. Truthfully, I do not feel I've been successful and/or believed; but, I will say I never used name changes to lie or "fool" others!
Unfortunately, this is not true of a vast number of people who use the Internet or FB. So, to my friends I advise caution when adding anyone, for they may turn out to be someone and something other than they portray. An example: There is at least 2 people I know who use FB and have blocked me or I have blocked who constantly change their name whenever they "piss off" others or delete and block others. I know this because I have learned it from others and because they can view my writings and notes on FB,even when my privacy settings were high.
Personally I refuse to give in to paranoia and change my settings for a few "bad apples"! Besides I willing share all thoughts with those who care to read them, though I have changed most notes on FB to friends only. Also, I really have nothing to "hide" because there are few things I hang on to regret about and few things I am ashamed of. I am who I am and it's me who has to live with that!

I am sure many people see me as being screwed up and I am but before you believe any rumors or jump to conclusions at least read my blogs and talk to me! For I am not the only screwed up person in this world!!!

The Move

2010-09-25T01:55:00.000-06:00

Well, pretty much packed, I guess. Just a few random things to box up with no idea what to label them or where I will put them. Like "my room", soon to be someone else's, I am feeling kind of empty - not really what I expected. I should be looking forward to moving but I just feel lost, lonely and anxious. I guess it's because I won't really have a place to call my home after the end of the month.

I will be spending days at my mom's and evenings and nights at my sister's. Though I will be paying some to both of them, I still feel "homeless". Financially I will not be better off, in fact I now realize I will be worse off because I will be paying off debts and paying for space in 2 homes that are not mine. For that reason I will be quitting smoking, once moved.

The move is necessary for many reasons, some of which I have already written about elsewhere. One reason being that I just think it's time to let my daughter have her own space and not have to be concerned with looking after her mother. After all she is gaining on 30 and I am only just about 50. Another is that I do want to spend time with my mother and help her in any way I can. Finally, I need to get out of the city and go somewhere I know a few people but have no real expectations to live up to, since I am still trying to figure out just who I am and what I expect from the rest of my life.

I am having difficulty understanding why the pending move makes me feel so hopeless and depressed tonight. The thing is a lot of my possessions are already in Smith from when I lived up there in 2006/07. They are still packed. Seems like I've been constantly moving for most of my adult life.....either running away or running to things and circumstances. Therefor I really have no idea how long I will be residing in Smith and whether it is even reasonable to keep any possessions. I guess that's where the anxiety comes in.

Truthfully, no one really knows how much time they have in this world and what might happen tomorrow or next week. That knowledge tends to make me want to spend as much time with my family before something happens to any one of them or me. Health wise many of my family members are battling some type of illness, some which are or could be life threatening and some of them are not doing so well in the battle.

For myself, the knowledge that doctors do not know what caused my stroke and whether it will ever happen again brings the possibility that my time remaining may be cut short at any time to a central focus in my mind. It is one reason I really have no plans for a committed relationship with anyone in the near future. It is also the reason I have been struggling to make a difference in my life and those people who's lives I touch.After all most people want to make a difference to someone, to be remembered in a positive manner.

Then again, I may have another 25-35 years before I go to my final home. However, I know my mother and a few of my siblings don't have that time ahead of them and that is the ultimate reason for the move! It's time to build positive memories and spiritual strength to get me through the coming losses, if I should live past any of them. I only wish I could have a place to call my own.

Pretenders

2010-09-24T16:21:00.000-06:00

Pretenders are people who pretend to be whatever they think others want them to be. They pretend to be a different person around different groups of people. Often they hide who they really are, even from themselves. Their behaviour varies around different groups of people - such as, family, friends, work, acquaintances or even on social networks.They often keep each group separate from each other, so they do not have to explain why there are differences in their behaviour or what they say or write - on social networks they will hide some things from each group of people and display only those things they wish a group to see only to that group.

Pretenders are very good at reading people and situations and knowing which things are acceptable to which groups. Many would make great psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, teachers or anyone in the helping field and many of them are.

Some pretenders are liars and deceivers, but not all are. Many lie to and deceive themselves as much as other people because for all their amazing insight into others they lack insight into themselves.However, some do have good insight into themselves and either don't like what they see (and thus addictions or lies) or do not know how to change.

I know all this because for most of my life I was a pretender! I spent many, many years pretending to be whoever others needed or wanted me to be. Truthfully, there are times when I still find myself slipping back into this role, though it is not something I enjoy but do out of habit and fear of rejection.

For years I pretended to be a "good" daughter -- agreeing with almost everything my smother said or thought. I did many things just to please her, some of it was real and some of it was not. I would force myself to endure family gatherings and social events just because she wanted me to be there. I would go with her to flea markets and craft sales because she wanted or needed my help. I do regret some of those actions but not most of them. After all it was about being a good daughter and loving her enough to do it. There are still things I have never told her and probably never will. I don't believe that is being dishonest because if she asked me directly I would not lie. I just see no point in causing pain for no reason, either hers or mine.

When out in public I can and have pretended to be outgoing and very friendly. I do/did this more to avoid loneliness and spare others feelings than because it was needed. Reading others to see if what I was saying or doing was acceptable and bolting when I felt it wasn't or I got overwhelmed.

I have pretended to be dumber than I actually am in many situations, deliberately making mistakes or acting like I didn't understand when I actually did.Mostly this is because school was traumatic for me... being bright was and sometimes is not acceptable to many other students and people. Bullying for being too quick or bright has made my life miserable, especially my school years. { No, I am not "bragging" or over-estimating my intelligence, just stating my experiences} Even while playing word games on a social site I find that if you always win, others will stop playing with you and, though I have deliberately lost in the past, I refuse to play dumb for a few more games. I don't mind losing multiple times and don't understand why others feel it's not worth playing if they do.

I pretended to be a good mother. I think I failed miserably on that account because I couldn't let my children grow up knowing the real me and because I failed to protect them from so much heartache. Turns out my girls think I was a good mother anyways......even though I couldn't force myself to go to their school functions and be cheerful and happy most of the time.I did hide things from them but some of them were good at figuring me out better than the others. However, my girls are trying to understand the "change" in me; though truthfully there is no change, I just stopped finding it necessary to present myself in a certain way to other people, in order to live a better life.

I made a decision to stop being a pretender after I had a stroke in 2007 and realized I may not have enough time left to be myself. I believe deeply in honesty and openness and felt it was high time I started being who I wanted to be instead of who everyone else wanted/ wants me to be. On the other hand, I recognize there are still some times and events which call for me to pretend in order to "fit in".

Though I have rarely lied outright to people, there is a few occasions, I now feel pretending to be someone other than myself is a form of lying and I don't really want to do that any more. { My "parts" are not me pretending but actual periods of dissociation brought on by stress and anxiety}However, as stated above, there are situations and people I may make some exceptions for.

Just a little side-note: It is pretty simple for one pretender to spot another and often leads to much drama when they attempt to be open and honest with each other. This has happened to me in the past and I'm pretty sure it will happen again in the future.

Sharing Number 2

2010-09-22T16:00:00.001-06:00

Sharing this because I identify with it, especially during those long winter months!

"The Living Dead

I find myself staring out into space,

Into a world of only thought.

As if nothing else around me existed.

A world free of emotions, free of consequence

Guilt, pain, remorse, love, hate, joy, caring

I feel nothing

I am aware of the good, yet I feel no joy

I see the bad, but feel no pain

My body propels me forward to no certain destination,

Aimless in my quest

My mind has no focus like a nomad wandering about,

Not wanting to settle anywhere.

My pleasures are simple and constant

A soft pillow beneath my head, eyes shut.

Putting my mind and thoughts to rest

A hot shower over my head

Allowing me to feel something beneath

This Kevlar surface, which nothing can seem to penetrate.

Occasionally the warmth of passion will soften

This shell that veils me

But it soon hardens with the chill that follows

All I do seems mechanical

I don't eat and enjoy

I simply process.

Work is without a goal, or purpose

Simply start then finish

My morals restrain me, they hold me at bay

My commitments keep me grounded, and in bounds

Yet as time goes on they seem to erode and collapse

freeing me from that which protects me from myself

It scares me to think that what would happen

If these ties were ever severed

No longer caring, feeling, no pain, no guilt,

No consequence, no fear and no conscious restraint

There is no scientific terms or expressions

To truly describe what I feel

It's really not that complicated

I do know it's easier to tell you what it is not

This is not living, this is not life

This is death waiting to happen

This is the life of depression, this is

The life of the "Living Dead".

I do not want your pity; I don't even feel sorry for myself

I don't want your sadness; I've got enough of that

I don't really need your help, I can't even help myself

But the one thing you can do for me, ( especially when I'm unbearable)

Let me know there is still hope

Let me see you care, let me see you love

Let me see you feel

Perhaps through you I can gain some sense

Of caring, loving, and feeling

Perhaps through you I can live.

Paul E Hankins Jr."

Sharing

2010-09-22T11:42:00.000-06:00

I am moving in a few days and uncovered a bunch of papers I collected through different treatment programs. I will be sharing some of them on this blog. Unfortunately, most have no stated author and I can not remember just where they are all from; but, I will identify them as copies... either through quotes or author or unknown author.

So, Here is the first one:

" Don't Quit

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you are trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must,--- but don't you wquit.

Life is queer with it's twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won, had he stuck it out;
Don't give up, though the pace seems slow,
You might succeed with another blow.

Success is a failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you can never learn how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar,
So stick to the fight when you are hardest hit,
It's when things go wrong that you mustn't quit."

Unknown

Living With Others

2010-09-20T21:08:00.000-06:00

It's been, I guess, 4-5 years since I've lived on my own. I've gone from living with my mother to living with my oldest daughter to living with my second oldest daughter. The reason being - I don't trust myself to be able to care for myself on my own. Last time I lived alone... I often forgot things on the stove or forgot to turn the burners off or forgot to turn them on and I forget to eat or don't eat properly {which you obviously can't tell by my size}, I forget to take medication and forget to take basic care of myself, etc. All this doesn't even take into account my financial and physical health limitations. Therefore, I've had to develop a skill at living with others.

Usually I can hide my thoughts and feelings pretty well, when I want to, and just concentrate on what others may expect of or want from me. I have developed a strategy of taking out anger on myself or attempting to "walk it off" in a literal sense. For instance, my mother thinks I am a "morning person" because when I am living with her I will ask what she wants me to do that day and get busy at it ASAP in the morning; but, the truth is, I only do it that way so I don't go back to bed or get lazy and not get everything done. I would actually prefer to spread it out and work on it all day but she always seems to have so much to get done it's not a good tactic to postpone doing anything or she will try to do it, on top of all the work she planned for herself. As well, she has a certain way of looking at emotions and psychological problems that differ from my thoughts as it is based on her religion.Thus, I feel I can't really be myself around her. Of course, I just internalize those feeling and thoughts for her benefit as well as my own.

Living with my oldest daughter was pretty much the same as living with my mom, only she did cut me a little slack now and then. Plus, I spent more time watching and playing with the grandkids than actually doing much around the house. Still, I was not able to talk to her about much without upsetting her or getting into a spat. As well, she did not really have the room to keep me living with her. Thus I moved onto living with my second daughter.

Living with my second daughter has been pretty uneventful because we both pretty much remain to ourselves most of the time. We have had our share of arguments, fights and silences but we have been able to apologize to each other, recognize it's often not the other persons fault but outside pressures and forgive and move on. However, since she has been working hard to improve herself, mature and develop a better life for herself it is time I gave her space to do those things. I was able to be myself much more around her than anyone else in the family and for that I am very grateful. However, there are some things we just could not agree on and some things about me she just couldn't understand but that is where the blog writing came in handy for me!

So, now it's back to living with my mom.....sort of. I will be spending days at my mother's house, helping where I can, and evenings and nights at my sister and brother's place... mostly just for me time and a place to sleep. At least this will be the arrangements until I can qualify for a place in either a support home or assisted living place or until I can get a place of my own close to those who I can help and who can and will help me in return.

I am willing to accept that I must behave in a certain manner while living anywhere with any other people and that I must keep working on myself and finding a comfortable way to express my thoughts and feelings without disturbing other people's feelings and comfort. For, I am honestly afraid to live on my own, for reasons stated above and a few others I am unable to share at this time and thus I trust God to lead me to the proper place to live in His own time.

Seasonal Depression

2010-09-07T16:42:00.000-06:00

Well, it's not even the end of September and already I'm starting to get depressed. No, it's not karma or the answer to anyone's prayers! It's simply the yearly S.A.D.S. kicking in a little early. I guess it's going to be a tough winter for me.
The pain in my body, particularly my hips and shoulders, is getting so bad I can take the prescribed painkillers and get a buzz but the pain still pushes through. Doctor says he is pretty sure it's arthritis and wants to send me to a specialist. Problem is, I am moving and can't get in before the move. As well, I'm already on a ton of medication, including an anti-inflammatory for arthritis and really don't want any more medication. I suppose the stress of dealing with the pain could be triggering an early episode of S.A.D.S. Well, that's my life and I just have to live with it and try to remain positive.
Was thinking earlier of just taking the whole frigging bottle of pain killers at once and ending this pain for good! That's how I know the depression is here for the remainder of the year. With the number of suicides in our extended family, I have intimate knowledge of the guilt and sadness left in the remaining family members and it is that which keeps me from taking that foolish, selfish last step. I do wonder how long that knowledge will work to stop me though. For I also know that people do "get over it".
I am hoping that the move will make a difference. Just knowing that I have friends I can talk to, at times, or read posts from, does help though and I will miss that.
I will have family around but most of them are battling their own "demons" and do not really understand mine. The one family member I think might understand better just doesn't acknowledge or face his and thus won't talk about the struggles. Again, such is life, especially mine.
So, depression thoughts are overwhelming me most days/nights and I do still "beat myself up" about all the past crap that happened. Thankfully, I am feeling pretty confident that the people who read these blogs, even though they do not mark read at times, are friends who care and even understand, most of the time. For those others have chosen to write me out of their lives and no longer read or comment and have even blocked me on most sites. Their choice, for I have no ill feelings towards them...... OK, none that are serious or lasting. Though at times I still hurt over the whole thing. And yes, I still care and still keep most of them in my prayers. For that's just who I am and I don't want to change that about myself!
Unfortunately, during the seasonal depression, I don't care much about myself. I tend to focus on all the things I dislike about myself and all the negativity in my life-both past and present. This year I am hoping to be somewhat different in that respect, for I am keeping in mind the pettiness of all that, which comes to mind whenever I think about the recent events that made me realize that. Events I haven't really shared because I can't due to privacy concerns for those involved.
Just remember this, if I am quiet and withdrawn it's probably because of the depression and not anyone's behavior towards me. I think it is better for me to be quiet and withdrawn during this time because when I have shared those depressive thoughts before all it did was cause pain and trouble for others and me. Once again, Sorry for all that....whether you believe it or not that is not really who I am most of the time!

You Will Never Know.....

2010-09-04T13:47:00.001-06:00

Just a list of things people will never know because I never took the chance to tell them;-(

You will never know just how special you were / are.

You will never know just how much you affected my life.

You will never know how hard it was for me to talk to you, to take a chance.

You will never know that I love you so much that sometimes it hurt / hurts just to breathe.

You will never know how much you affect the world through what you say.

You will never know the pain my own words cause / caused me.

You will never know just how much you made me feel alive.

You will never know the range of feelings you provoke/ provoked in me and how hard that is /was to go through.

You will never know what a great person you are / could be.

You will never know how strong you are and how much I wish I was that strong.

You will never know the true me.

So many times I wish I hadn't said things and so many times I wish I had said something; but, now the chance/ chances have passed and it is too late, as it always is.

The pain of yesteryears/ yesterdays invades my mind and makes it hard to function from day to day.

All I can do is pray to make it through.

Hurting All Over!

2010-09-01T15:01:00.001-06:00

I pretty much go through every day in some sort of pain. It's been like this for me since I was 16 years old. Some days, it leaves me wondering what the future holds.

Like the last 3 days, I've been aching all over - both outside and inside my body; as well as both physical and mental. There is no one to really talk to about most of the mental shit.... actually no one I would want to bother. As for the physical...... the worst is my shoulder and my knee. It's been difficult to sleep, for I don't really take any pain killers other than Advil. I'm pretty sure it's the weather triggering the Fibromyalgia and arthritis. When it gets like this is when I wish I did drink heavily or do drugs. I just can't see myself as a senior citizen if this continues. I already take what I consider too much medication.

The other day my daughter says to me it's time she got me a cane; but, I just said no way because I don't have any clue how long I'll be able to enjoy walking without support and that is important to me. With my knee it's mostly stairs that give me a bad time, which is one of the reasons I try not to leave the apartment much {there is a few steps up and then a few down to go outside}.

I guess by now I should be use to dealing with the pain without complaining; but, sometimes one just needs to whine a bit to cope. That's is what I am writing this for!

It's really difficult when you have no one to talk to and no one who understand much around. The price I pay for being social phobic, I guess. Like I said, it's not that I have no one, it's that I don't wish to bother or be a burden to anyone. That comes from a lot of being told by others to "just suck it up" all my life! Ah, little understanding or sympathy in my life and that's fine, I guess, because it has made me a more independent, stronger person. BUT the truth is all I want is a hug and someone to tell me I'll be all right.

My Strength?

2010-08-30T14:43:00.000-06:00

Everyone always says to me " You are a strong person. Just look at how far you've come and you're strength is speaking out." The truth is I don't see that strength or feel it, one little bit.

Inside I am just a frightened, weak, little girl. A girl who wants to be accepted and understood for who she is. A girl who cries several times daily and can't even get through writing anything without tears. A girl who desperately wants to grow up but doesn't know how to.

Any strength others see in my comes from years of feeling alone, years of therapy and the strength of the God. In fact if it wasn't for the knowledge that there are many like myself out there suffering and struggling alone and my desire to let them know they are NOT alone, I might never have shared anything! For I know that terrible feeling that no one will ever understand, no one will ever accept and no one could possibly care for me. On my worst days that is exactly how I feel!

The only reasons I ever even started to try to deal with the past and do more than survive are my four wonderful, patient daughters! Who in all honest deserve/d a much better mother! However, they do always make me feel as if I was/am blessed.... for they survived me and still blossomed into wonderful women.

Truthfully, if I did not believe in God, I would probably have ended my life many, many, years ago! The only purpose I see for my still being alive is to help others and that is why I do what I do, that is why I keep living {even when I don't want to at times}. Perhaps, in some way, that is why I had to go through all the crap in life I have and why I battle mental illness. At least those thoughts give me an answer I can live with.

So, any strength others see in my writings or in me is certainly not felt by the inner person. That should tell you if you battle the way I do that you have strength too! And it is your strength that keeps me going at times. For that I Thank You!!!!!

Am I.........?

2010-08-29T17:01:00.000-06:00

Just doing some thinking out loud. Questions I ask myself and sometimes think others wonder about.

Am I crazy?
Well that all depends on a persons definition. I say I am because I don't feel "normal" and my thinking gets all screwed up and I have several mental illnesses. However, I have never been hospitalized for any mental illness or been a physical threat to anyone.

Am I a stalker?
NO! I did have a unhealthy obsession with one person in my entire life {49 years} and that obsession was not even based on anything but a misplaced affection due to a feeling of similarity. Meaning I thought of them like a son, even though I have never had a son because I lost my only male child during pregnancy. I now face the obvious fact that it was all a delusion of mine and a misunderstanding of their honesty or lack of it. Meaning some things they "said" and some of their behavior was mis-interpreted on my part. However, that is all past and I am glad it is over!
I would never intentionally seek attention or approval from anyone! Other than developing friendships I have no interest in other people.

Am I a danger to anyone?
Never! I don't think I could even hit anyone intentionally. I did punch my sister once but I was 15 and thought she was being a bitch about something. After, I felt so guilty and upset with myself I ran away from home to an old teacher's house.... hoping to get advice, which I did.
The only person I have ever been a danger to is myself! Physical violence and even verbal attacks tend to scare the heck out of me due to past history. I do have anger issues but I tend to turn my anger on myself.
Although, I have threatened my daughters' boyfriends and husband if they were ever to hurt my child I would seek revenge; but, that's what I have brothers for.LOL

Am I or have I ever been infatuated with anyone?
Obviously. However, I do know the difference between fantasy and real life! I've had many crushes on many different people but have never acted on any and can't see myself acting on any because a crush is a fantasy!
The fact is I have never even had many crushes on any "stars" or public figures. I tend not to remember many names but faces I do. Plus, I know that I am just a poor schlub from nowhere and will never really be anyone special to anyone but family and friends. Family is the only real relationships I have continued over my life and the most important too me. Though I have always longed for a life long friend, I'm just not out going enough to develop those types of friendships. However, many people remember me, I just don't understand why!

Am I a people person?
NO! I do enjoy exchanging messages with people but am too inhibited about my real life and my appearance to interact on a real life basis with too many people. Although, I do share a lot of my thoughts and life through these blogs and Facebook. Sharing via the computer is a safe way to interact for me.Even then I have gotten nasty comments about my appearance and my personality! Go figure, some people just need to belittle others.

Am I "egocentric"?
I actually do spend a lot of my life thinking about myself and how I "fit" into life. However, I will often put my concerns and wants aside for others. The only reason I write about myself a lot is because I do not believe it is my place to write about others! I don't know anyone else but family that well anyways.

Do I spend too much time on the computer and Internet?
Absolutely! I know I do and I don't really care what others think of it because it is currently my only interaction with the real world. Although, I am moving out of town to try and get back to real life, a little. I still plan to get Internet access and do Facebook stuff when I can.

Well, that pretty much does it for my current thoughts on myself; except, I do sometimes send messages I wish I hadn't. Mostly out of boredom or an attempt to interact; but, sometimes they still come out a little strange ~ see Am I crazy question and answer.

Battling Mental Illness

2010-08-29T13:44:00.000-06:00

As many who read this blog or who know me in "real" life, I battle several mental illnesses. Recently I have been trying to find out just which ones I actually have. That is not as easy as it seems or as it should be. Very few doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists or therapists use any tools for discovery anymore. They simply listen to a person and come up with diagnosis from what they here. Unfortunately, They are basing the diagnosis on what may come out of my mouth and when I am talking, in person to someone, I tend to get tongue tied, forgetful and shy.
In my opinion, for what it is worth, I think I'm just plain crazy! I have, in the past been diagnosed with Chronic Depression, Seasonal Depression, Bi polar, Paranoia and Anxiety disorders. I know I battle Social Phobia and have most of my life;but, I have never had it diagnosed because there was no reason for me to ~ meaning I can function in society, to a limited degree because I do know how to "fake it". I suspect I have a Dissociative Disorder but am unsure exactly what and why. That is something very few understand or even believe. It is the one area that is just to controversial and judged by others.

For most of my life, battling mental illness Has consisted of "faking it" a lot. That changed for me when I had the Hemorrhagic Stroke in 2007. For those who do not know what kind of stroke this is, it is a bleed in the brain usually caused by a burst vessel or aneurysm.. though mine was not, in fact they still do not know why I had bleeding in my brain, only that it happened and almost killed me. That is when I decided that I no longer wanted to "fake" life by pretending to be whoever other people wanted me to be, that I was going to figure out just who I am and hopefully be able to live with myself and die a little more fulfilled. However, along the journey the attacks and negativity from others has often made me reconsider exactly what I hope to achieve and if it is even worth it for me.

It is the attacks, negativity, judgement and rejection that make battling any Mental Illness more difficult for any person. Many others I know have given up or are "close to the brink" meaning they often think of giving up. It's the battle internal that is the hardest part and the external crap from others just makes it harder for many. Even those who, supposedly,"won" and are "cured" can add to the frustration of know one is not totally understood because for many there is no "winning", simply surviving! For me, surviving consists of waking up each day, getting out of bed and doing anything I can and then keeping myself alive until it's time to sleep again. Many times I wish I didn't wake up at all. However, as long as I keep waking up I will keep trying to stay alive; at least, until either God or I decide there is no more battle left inside of this body.

Part of the way I battle the Mental Illness is to share and write, in the hopes others will someday understand and those like me will know there is someone out there who does understand! Many, many, many times I have been tempted to stop writing and sharing because of the backlash and rejection, the tears and the internal pain; but, to do so would be allowing those others to "win" and would be abandoning those who really need to read or share to battle alone, which I feel no one should have to do.

So, just remember ~ "when you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on" ~ for there are others who do care and will understand! Though most are silent, everyone battles in their own way and this is mine!

Secrets and Rejection

2010-08-27T00:53:00.000-06:00

I grew up being told a lot of things needed to be "secret". Even when not directly told there were things you just knew were not to be talked about outside family and even some within the family. I have an open blog because I have no use for secrets in my life anymore!

That doesn't mean that I have openly shared all, nor does it mean that I don't know how to keep a secret; just that most things I've been through need to be exposed and talked about. I have done a lot of group therapy and gone through a lot of counselling and am at a point in my life that I recognize the benefits of sharing thoughts and feelings, benefits to both myself and others. However, there are some things that just are not possible for me to talk about yet. These sometimes "fester" within and have led to some strange behavior on my part.

I know many others who still cannot disclose their secrets, for many reasons; but, I believe the chief reason to be fear. I know it is for me because there are things I still cannot accept about myself and the past. There are secrets I am sure could not be understood by others because I still do not understand them myself. The biggest fear though, for me, is the fear of rejection. It is one I struggle with constantly, for rejection has brought so much pain and tears into my life and was often used as a "weapon" by others or a threat by those who used me.

I cannot honestly say that I have never rejected anyone. In fact, there is one family member that I do not want in my life and they aren't. I can say I have rarely rejected anyone for anything less than physical violence or threat of it. In fact, I am the kind of person who is too forgiving and always willing to accept even those who have rejected me back into my life.

I am also the type of person that many have confided in, leaving me with many secrets I can not share. Usually, those secrets cause me no grief or stress; but once in a while I have encouraged others to talk to someone else in an effort to help them relieve the burden of some secrets. For some secrets carry a heavy burden and eat away at one's soul until you just feel like there is no hope. No hope for a "normal" life, no hope for a "happy" life and no hope of a positive future. Those type of secrets are ones that should be exposed, if only in a diary or blog.

Lately, I have been having second thoughts about sharing some things. This is due mostly to the apparent inability of others to understand me and my own lack of being able to clarify some things without risking a greater rejection than I have already experienced. For apparently, even some who try to understand and do care are unable to actually see past the "craziness" of some thoughts and things. Well, such is life, especially mine!

Breathing Room

2010-08-23T00:29:00.000-06:00

Re-reading the last couple of blogs I wrote is very helpful in relieving some of the anxiety and paranoia in my life, what little I have of a life.

For instance, being blocked has allowed me to feel like I have more "breathing room" to share with those who really count, true friends and family who care! Actually came to the conclusion today that getting blocked is exactly what "the others" intended when they wrote that blog, the one I removed that was short thoughts about a lot of different people- myself included. "The others" is what they and I have agreed to refer to my other parts as because it seems more appropriate.

I have been thinking a lot about "the others" and just what purpose they have/are serving in my life. I think that they are able to manipulate words to suit their purpose better than I am. They tend to act out more when they perceive any uncomfortable reaction in myself with dealing with certain issues and thoughts. Their "acting out" tends to allow me to have more breathing room for other thoughts and actions sometimes. We seem to have come to some agreement regarding plans for a combined, less chaotic future, at least for now. The agreement allows me to feel safer about any possible suppression from them. Although, I think I may be missing some time lately;which, I think because some things are occurring around the house that "nobody" seems to be doing.

Anyways, back to breathing room. It is so much easier to feel free in what I write and share since I have less concern about who may or may not be reading. I have less concern right now because I have "woken up" and realized just how insignificant some of those paranoid and anxious thoughts were/are! I guess sometimes getting a little perspective in life can open a whole new avenue of thought and action. Thus, more breathing room!

Now my main challenge will be to see how long I can keep perspective and if the upcoming move will make dealing with the seasonal depression during fall and winter any easier. One can only hope and pray.

Time To Wake Up

2010-08-21T02:14:00.000-06:00

Sometimes a tragedy needs to occur in our lives before we "wake up" to what we are wasting our lives on. Sometimes, if we are blessed, it occurs not in our lives but in the lives of those we care about; example: relatives, friends, co-workers, etc. If we were really wise we would "wake up" before such an event occurs; but, unfortunately, many of us don't!

I have allowed myself to be self-indulgent in many ways over the last few years. Constantly telling myself it is because I am just trying to discover who I am and what I want in life instead of just being what everyone else wants. That's really self-indulgent! Especially because part of who I am is a "people pleaser" and I actually miss that at times. By forgetting the true reason I am here and who should be most important in my life, I have allowed myself to fall further into mental and physical "hell" than if I had just kept up the pretenses and kept "shut down". Although I have no intention of going back to that person I was, tonight I have faced some harsh "wake up" thoughts over recent events.

Thus, I have decided I need to refocus on who and what should be most important in my life. Some of this is written in the previous blog but some of it isn't. Let's just say this: There are some people who if I don't spend more time with, I will be left with regrets that may overcome my weakened "self". There are also people I need to just try harder to forget.

My move to Smith is twofold in that regard. It will allow me to spend time with important family members, such as my mom and my siblings, and get me away from the anxiety of the city, the computer (perhaps temporarily) and help me put those others out of my mind. Though, I have never interacted anyone, anywhere, that I harbor any ill will towards and would never turn a "blind eye or ear" to anyone, I am relatively sure the "disappearance" or withdrawal of me from certain Internet sites would be welcome by some. It's just their tough luck it won't happen! However, in Smith the "urge" to be online is significantly less than it is in Edmonton and so I will not be on as often.

The time has come for me to put more effort into family and getting to know a more peaceful, laid back me. To spend a greater effort trying to know the trinity and my purpose in life and less effort trying to keep up with social sites. All an effort to get back to the more important side of living.

Still, I sit here wondering just what tragedy some will have to face before they "wake up". The loss of a partner? The death of a child? Their own battle with a life threatening disease? The total abandonment from all family and friends? I guess it's not important to me what other people's "wake up" call is; but the fact that I don't wish to face any of those right now in my life. I just pray that my family and friends can make it through any "wake up" that they will face!

Getting Things Put Into Perspective

2010-08-21T01:16:00.000-06:00

Over the last couple of days, I've been "stressing about some issues that I now recognize are not really that important.
1. Being unable to get the psychological assessment I wanted to get done. Apparently they only "talk" to patients and decide from there what may be "wrong" with the person. Well, hell I can do that myself! I didn't even talk about all the crap I've been through with the person I saw.

2. Being blocked, yet again by a certain person, after I unblocked them. Not even sure why, like that is any different! I can guess though, it probably has to do with that blog I deleted written by "the others". Truthfully, this is the least significant "issue" as I have not attempted to add them or contact them for months ( at least to my knowledge). That is all past and, though I still care and pray for them, I never expected/expect to hear from them again.

3. Finding out my brother blocked me on FB, along with a few other extended family members. Sure, it hurts but he and I have never been "close" Yet it still feels like a slap in the face.

4. Struggling against the desire to do nothing and go nowhere. Missed 2 appointments for a medical test because I just couldn't face taking the buses to get there.

All these things suddenly seem so petty and unimportant compared to the struggles of others I heard of today. Can't really talk of them in specific but just pick up a newspaper and look at how many of our young folks are suffering illnesses, being murdered, dying senselessly and committing suicide and it will make you appreciate what you have more.

I am very blessed to have 4 wonderful daughters who , despite struggling are doing pretty well in today's world. The thought of losing any one of them to any of the "horrors" mentioned above is enough to make me grateful to God that my girls are doing OK and when they aren't they can at least reach out to me, their friends, and most importantly God and get through the worst. It is also enough to make me grateful enough to thank God for what I have in life and realize those petty things mentioned above are just that petty! They are easily dealt with and when not they pose no real threat to my sanity or life. I just need to keep faith and keep my eyes and thoughts on the most important person in my life ~ God!

It's just a shame it takes a tragedy to make one realize how insignificant one's own issues and thoughts are in the "big picture"!

The Others

2010-08-18T18:00:00.000-06:00

I call them parts, they call themselves "the others". Truthfully, I still have no idea exactly what is going on in this head of mine! I do know that some people think I am lying or just using the whole thing as an excuse to get away with behaviour I wouldn't "normally" (in quotes because there is nothing "normal" about me) do; but, those people are 100% wrong! How I wish things were that simple!

I struggled through many, many traumatic events in my life, some of which I have written about and some which I haven't. The only way I was taught to deal with most of these events is to just "forget them and move on", which for me meant bury them and screw the consequences! The consequences eventually led to my mind separating into different parts to deal with different emotions or thoughts. At least that is my belief.

These parts became more active and distinct after I suffered the hemorrhagic in 2007. There are times now where I am relegated to being an observer in my own body. When that happens I have little to no control over what any part may write or do, all I can do is try to "clean up" any mess or trouble they may have caused after the fact. I do not use this as an excuse for any of my actions or words because obviously some part of me actually thinks that way; but, I do mention it to explain what may appear to be erratic or "nasty" behaviour. However, I totally understand that many people do not understand and a few actually do not believe it. Truthfully, before I became aware of the parts I would have had significant trouble believing this from anyone else, except for a few people I know who have been diagnosed with Dissociative Personality disorder (or Multiple Personality Disorder as it was known as).

So, as I decided to write this evening I noticed a blog written yesterday which I removed. This blog was written by the parts or "the others". It's sometimes a struggle even to write about this because I have to fight to remain forefront in my own mind, as they do not like me talking about it. However, because few people seem to read these blogs, I can at times win that struggle ~ meaning of course there are times when I lose. I think I better wrap this up for now because I feel a loss coming on. It feels like losing the ability to control one's own body and fading away. Not that I expect many to understand... in fact probably none.

Nights

2010-07-31T02:14:00.000-06:00

Nights are not easy for me. I struggle more with the anxiety and my family does not understand. I'm not even really sure why. Most negative events that have happened in my life occurred during the day or evening, except hearing the fights my parents had.

When I am alone at night, every little sound seems to be amplified and trigger the anxiety. I have tried relaxation techniques, deep breathing, prayer and medication but I just can not seem to find a way to stop my mind and heart from racing.

Night is when most of the negative thoughts and depressive thoughts swarm through my brain. It is when I should be sleeping but often struggle to shut down those thoughts that I tend to write on my blogs. Night is also when I become the most "paranoid" and do stupid things.

I don't think it's the dark that bothers me. I am really not sure why nights tend to cause me such anxiety and "over thinking". Of course much of it comes out in my dreams and tends to spark nightmares. Occasionally those nightmares have come true and that just heightens the anxiety.

Not sure if anyone else finds themselves in a similar predicament ; but, if anyone does I would appreciate some suggestions on how to cope or overcome the problem!

Moving Or "Running Away"

2010-07-30T01:28:00.000-06:00

I have made a decision to move, yet again, out of the city. I'm sitting here thinking is it really for the right reasons or is it just "running away" from my "problems".
In the past 25 years I have moved a lot, thinking about 9 or 10 times, two of which were out of town. There are various reasons for the moves, the main one being affordability of places we lived. I grew up in the country, on a farm that wasn't "farmed" but the only thing raised on it were us kids and have struggled with the noise and anxiety of the city pretty much since I returned here after being in the military. I wanted to raise my children in the city for the opportunities it afforded them for school and socialization. However, since my stroke, which convinced me to move back to the city for access to medical, my Social Phobia has gotten much worse and the anxiety of just being in the city is growing almost daily. Thus, I am "running away" from having to face or "cope with" that anxiety and moving back out of town.

I really am going to miss my Internet time and being able to go online whenever I feel like it but I just feel like a "burden" to my daughter and unable to afford the prices here. Plus, I am moving closer to family and spending time with my mom will definitely be beneficial for both of us.

I am not sure if I have written on here just how much I fear living alone lately. My memory seems to get worse and worse with the anxiety being "ever present" and I am afraid that I might forget the stove on or forget to take care of myself. I also have anxiety that if I go out, into the city, I might forget where I live. I have dreams about it all the time and I often worry about forgetting just where I am when I am out. This may be hard for others to understand; but, when you forget names of people, including family and common day words~ your ability to remember and what you may forget tends to nag at your mind.

Eventually I hope to receive enough "help" top grow my confidence and be able to live on my own or find an assisted living residence that will accept me. The problem right now is I am "too young" for most of them, even though my disabilities prevent me from always looking after myself "properly".As well, my physical well being does seem to improve when I am out of the city and struggling against less anxiety.

I guess my conclusion has to be this: I am "running away" from some of the things that cause the anxiety problems but I am also moving for some pretty good reasons!

Honesty vs Brutal Honesty

2010-07-18T04:44:00.000-06:00

Been thinking about this a lot tonight. How some people say they are just trying to be honest and what they are doing is being brutal about it. In my mind there is honesty and then there is brutal honesty. Honesty is being truthful about how you feel and think but considering the other persons feeling and trying to word it so as not to hurt the person. Brutal honesty is just saying whatever comes to your mind about a situation or person and not even considering how they will feel about the way it is said. Example: My daughter said to me my bedroom "stinks" and that hurt my feelings. What she probably meant is she does not like the smell of smoke in my bedroom from cigarettes. Now if she had worded it that way I wouldn't have been hurt at all.

I guess what I am saying is people need to watch the connotation certain words have to other people when choosing to use them. I myself am honest and try to be upfront and open with everyone; but, I try my best not to be brutal or negative in the way I say things. Most of the time I am able to word what I want to say in a honest but not negative fashion; but, being human, sometimes I just can't find a way to do that and sometimes I am misunderstood and it winds up hurting someone anyways. Once in a "blue moon" I will just go on the attack and become brutally honest , though this usually happens only when I've been hurt or angered.

I guess, to me, being brutally honest is something used by others intending to hurt someone. However, word usage is often a generational thing too and what a younger generation may think is not offensive or hurtful and older generation may view in a negative manner. Such is life!

Family Visiting

2010-07-17T01:46:00.001-06:00

One of my girls came to visit. She flew over from London, UK. My daughter Chris, my baby. The first day here she spent hours cleaning{ which I greatly appreciate}, tried to unplug the tub{ because I asked her to}, which was draining slow and now it's not draining at all ~ not her fault. She isn't just here to visit me; but, visiting friends as well as family. Thing is I love my girl and enjoy having her around but wind up feeling uncomfortable and "judged". It's not just her that causes me to feel like this; in fact I feel like it with pretty much all the family members that come to visit. Nothing about me seems acceptable to them. The way I live my life, my "housekeeping" { which I admit tends to slip quite a bit}, my weight, how I take care of myself, my smoking, my diet and how I spend my time {that is the time I spend on my computer or reading and my not going out}. Now, I know it's because they love me and "worry" about me and want better for me; but, really, who's life is it and why do I wind up feeling so judged and found lacking?

My other daughter, Jenn, is coming up from Calgary next week and she already told me she wants to take me out. Now part of me looks forward to doing that but part of me is already suffering anxiety about going out. I know my girls do not understand and even when I try to explain it just comes out "pathetic" and wrong. I think it leaves them feeling I don't love them as much as I "love" the computer or myself. Though neither is more important to me than my girls. In fact, nothing is more important to me then my girls! Therefor, I will force myself to do whatever they want and probably enjoy it or at least being with them.

I love my family and do listen to what they say. However, sometimes I wish they would listen to what I say and try to understand. Ah, I know that is expecting too much when people have a certain idea as to how you should live and how you should look.

Hence my decision to "run away", perhaps it is better if I just get out of the city and give the girls more breathing room and less worry by trying harder to become the person they want me to be. It may mean going back to "pretending" to be someone I don't really want to be. Who knows maybe eventually I will become that someone else.

RE: You Gave Up On Me

2010-07-11T01:35:00.000-06:00

This is a sentence I used in one of my blogs and now the edited version on my story blog. What it mean to me is that those who couldn't/wouldn't handle my paranoia, and other mental illnesses, gave up trying to get to know the real me. Even though some of them actually did say they would try and they would clarify things with me before jumping to conclusions, they never did!

Yes, I know I can be a very difficult person, usually am and I am paranoid a lot of times; but, I was totally honest about it up front! I understand that some of those had their own problems and just felt overwhelmed by my bluntness and desire to be part of their "world". Some even struggle with their own mental illness and yet can't understand others, perhaps because of their own issues. Every word I wrote or shared was part of me and was as honest as I could make it, even Suzy!

Suzy is a part of me, call her an alternate personality (if you must). She handles many situations I just can't and was never a "ploy" or "lie" to get in contact with some of those who think she was. Suzy handles my anger and my "voices within" for lack of a better term. She is not "aware" of all the parts but hears their voices and tries to placate them through her own actions. I have tried my best, for most of my life, to keep the people inside hidden and under control. I failed after I had my stroke! Even though many others can't understand and think that all this is "bullshit", I assure my readers here it is NOT!

" I never gave up on you!" is the other part of that statement and means just what it says. That is, even when I didn't/don't understand and was/am paranoid I still recognized the problems were/are mostly mine. I made every effort to clarify whether what I perceived was happening actually was. I even stated it was my assumptions and not necessarily the truth. In response I got attacked openly, gossiped about and maligned and judged and yet I still hold no grudges! Yes, "Such Is Life"~especially mine!

I find it fascinating that I am unable to let go of the care and concern I have for some of those people ~ even though it causes me so much pain! It's not that I don't want to because I would really like to be able to forget and let go; but, my heart has it's own "mind", I guess. I still write about these things because it is my effort to understand myself and where the heck all this crap comes from.

Anyhow, just thought I'd try to write out my thoughts behind some of my words.

Where My Struggle With Rejection Comes From

2010-07-10T19:50:00.000-06:00

The hardest thing about being mentally ill has to be the rejection and misunderstanding from others. At least for me!

My struggle with rejection started when I was a child. No matter how hard I tried and how much I obeyed I just never felt accepted by my father.Of course most of my memories are about a father who drank a lot and got angry quite a bit. Truthfully, I do not remember a time when my father was not a drinker. I have talked to my mom a lot about this particular issue. It didn't help.

My mother told me that when my sister was born my dad said it was "his girl" and when I was born I was "my mom's girl" and that is pretty much how I remember it feeling while growing up. She also told me that my father started shutting down and drinking to much after he lost his friend who he felt close to. I do remember that my father had a very hard time showing any emotion but anger. This changed a bit when he was older and drank; he would spend a lot of time showing depression while drunk. During those times he often expressed disappointment in his children and in particular any of them he was around, including me.

Now don't get me wrong, I loved my father, fully and unconditionally, and could and have forgiven him for anything that "went wrong" with his relationship with me that stemmed from his drinking and his emotional shut down. My father drank until the day he died. He rarely ever showed any affection towards anyone. I guess that is why I remember that last hug with such clearness and love.When he passed away in 2000, my biggest regret was I never took the chance to tell him these thoughts.

I guess a little girl's feeling of rejection from her father is something that can spur a lot of "fear of rejection". However, all my struggle does not come just from that. Much of it also comes with never "fitting in" with any group of people. I faced being ostracized through out school years; first because of my family and later because of poverty. I never "fit in" in work, group therapy or the military. Few people can/could understand and cope with all my mental illness issues, especially the double depression and paranoia.

Although I did learn to "fake it" around others, I still never felt like I belonged or that others understood. While raising my children, as a single mother, I did make a few"friends, whom I did care for; but eventually those relationships all faded away. I don't think because I was "rejected' by any of them but more because I just didn't know how to keep the friendships "working" and eventually lost touch. Still there was only so much I was willing to risk sharing for fear of rejection and that can kill any friendship.

Though I do feel accepted and understood by some of my FB friends, there are many who simply reject people with no regard for trying to understand or how the other person might feel. Those rejections often out shadow the true friendships I feel exist. That is probably due to my mental illnesses; but, knowing that does not make it any easier to cope with.

I know deep down inside that it shouldn't bother me. I know there are many who do understand or at least try to. All that knowledge doesn't help when one is feeling down.In fact it's only the kind words of friends and the love of family, especially my girls that gets me through the worst times!

Addictions I Have Battled!

2010-07-10T00:51:00.000-06:00

Addictions I have battled include:

Alcohol Addiction - Still drinking sometimes, see previous blogs.

Sex Addiction
I struggled through this particularly when I was a teenager. Though I think I could get into it easily again. This addiction is mostly, for me, caused by a confusion of sex = love, due to all the sexual abuse as a child. It left me looking for answers to what was happening to me and somewhere in my mind I decided it was only happening because those doing it "loved" me. Totally screwed up thinking; but, I still struggle against those thoughts even though I know where they come from.

Drug Addiction
A short period of illicit drug use as a teenager and an addiction to painkillers as a teenager. My illicit drug use was pretty much limited to what I got for free through family and "friends" or those I slept with. The painkiller addiction led to me being expelled from one school, getting my mom visited by Child Services and getting my family into mandated counselling. It started from prescriptions for headaches and tooth pain and I just kept getting more painkillers by telling doctors what they wanted to hear. Examples is "sprained my ankle", "teeth rotting out and can't afford a dentist" and the real one " I'm getting headaches". I do suffer from Migraines but have never found a painkiller that works well for making them go away. However, now I tend to avoid taking most painkillers because they have little affect on the pain anyways due to a high tolerance level developed while addicted. Also, this is one of the reasons I had being dependant on medications and often forget or neglect taking them.

Gambling Addiction

My worse time with an addiction, because it affected my daughters, was when I developed a gambling addiction. It all started innocently enough, going out to bingo to get a break from the kids and just get out of the house. It spiraled out of control after I won a large amount the first time. Then it became a "need" to go because I wanted a way to make fast money. On top of bingos, I started to play lottery tickets, which sometimes put a little extra cash in the house but more often took it away. Then VLTs, video lottery terminals, came out and I got into playing them too, often drinking while playing, though I never told anyone that before. I spiraled into the "wishful thinking" of figuring it was a way to help out around the house because once in a blue moon I would win a little. There were many years during raising my children where this was out of control and I truly do regret what it did to them. The main reason I sought help for the gambling addiction was my daughters! I wanted to be a better mom to them.

Smoking
I started smoking around age 10 to be accepted by brother and his friends. Often, the first few years, only smoking when I could get it from friends or sneak it from my parents, who were both smokers. I smoked until after my third daughter was born in 1984; I quit cold turkey after getting pneumonia. I stayed quit for 13 years, until my kids started and I wanted to show them "how stupid they looked", only one kept smoking and so did I. I have "quit" for brief periods of time, a few days to a few months , several times since but am currently smoking a pack and a half a day. Think about quitting all the time but just lack the "will power" to do it.

Self Abuse -
Physical and mental, I think a way of controlling the pain in my life.
More on this later, maybe, if anyone is interested.
Very hard to break out of, is all I will say now.

Junk Food Addiction
Could fit under self abuse I guess. I suspect keeping myself over weight is a self defense mechanism and gives me a good excuse to stay single. Still engage in this even though I am diabetic.

Work Addiction- hard for some to believe but there was a time - brief but still there! Mostly when I was in the military and while I was volunteering.

Addiction to TV, PS Games (and such)
My escapism phase, again while raising my girls.
Am constantly amazed at how they survived me and how well they are doing!

And my current addiction - Facebook!

Making It Through?

2010-07-08T03:38:00.000-06:00

My honesty tells me to say that I have never "made it through" anything. I feel more like I just survive life.

Family ~ No making it through family! I have a pretty good relationship with my daughters. A decent relationship with my youngest brother, Martin, and older sister, Betty. My brother because I was responsible for him, as my mother put it, and we went through our parents separation and divorce and all those tough years together. My older sister through hard work on both our parts, a lot of forgiveness, a lot of maturing and raising our kids at the same time, helping each other. I must mention that my mother, my sister Betty and my brother Marting and I all went through some counselling together and separately. My relationship with my mom has had it's rough patches but we always seem to get through them by talking or forgiving. Recently I've been having a hard time with her decision regarding my daughter but I don't let it affect our relationship, too much. There are a few siblings I don't really have much to do with and one in particular that I never want to see again. The rest, we get along but mostly because we are family and all seem to prize that.

Abuse ~ From sexual abuse as a child to emotional and verbal abuse as an adult, I survived. There are a lot of problems in my life just because I often have to identify where certain thought processes and reactions come from and most of them stem from past abuse. Counselling, writing and friends and family are often the only things that kept/keep me living!

Mental Illnesses ~ I have a host of them and am currently awaiting an assessment to figure out just which ones I have and how to "get through them". Honestly, I don't think there is a way "through them", it's more just learning to live with them, trusting God {for me} and finding friends that understand {which can be very difficult but worth the heartache of going through those that don't to do}

Addictions ~ my method for "getting through" addictions is learning to recognize them, replacing them with less harmful ones and acknowledging that there are some things I just shouldn't/can't do.

Relationships ~ OK, this one I'm pretty sure I suck at! Which is why I decided a long time ago not to have any "romantic" relationships. I'm pretty good at helping others through listening and advice but I can't have one of my own. Friendship is the best I can do and even that gets too difficult at times. I do know that any relationship takes hard work on the part of both people, whether it is romantic or friendship! If only one is willing to reach out or change than it never works. In the end it's more about respect than love!

Tonight is one of those nights where I am up wondering whether surviving is enough! One of those nights where caring seems to hurt too much and I wonder why I ever bother/bothered. For I can't cope with rejection and loss, they just seem to overwhelm me at times.

So, NO, I haven't made it through or moved on! I just focus on surviving one more day, one more hour, one more minute.....until God in His wisdom decides to take me home!

My Methods for Battling Alcoholism

2010-07-07T01:19:00.004-06:00

There are some things I forgot to mention in my last blog regarding my Alcoholism. These mainly were methods I utilized to stop or keep from drinking.

I did attend AADAC, Alberta Alcohol and Drug Abuse Center; but, this was mainly for my gambling addiction. However, we often discussed alcohol and other addictions while trying to find out why we became gambling addicts. My conclusion ~ I have an addictive personality and tend to switch one addiction for another.

I also went to Poundmaker's Lodge Treatment Centre, a center which helps people deal with addictions and the reasons behind them,which includes a Native cultural program which I found very helpful. I attended there for the gambling but also discussed some of my other addictions with the counselors. There were things I revealed there that I have never dealt with or revealed to anyone else and probably never will reveal.

Although these programs did help, at least for a while, I know I should have kept attending both A.A. and G.A., Alcoholic's Anonymous and Gambler's Anonymous. Unfortunately , the inclusion of draws in AA and drinking during fellowship in GA on top of the Social Phobia made it very difficult for me to keep attending. I guess what I need is an Addictive Personality Anonymous! However it would have to be online as I rarely ever leave the house anymore.

I think the best method for me to avoid drinking is to remember how many family members, including extended family have lost their lives to this disease! Add that to health issues of my own and it's a pretty good incentive for remaining sober!

My Battles With Alcoholism

2010-07-05T20:50:00.000-06:00

I really can't remember when I first started consuming alcohol, my guess is about age 3 or 4. There was a game we (meaning my siblings and I) use to play when my parents had a party, it consisted of seeing who could swipe the most drinks without getting caught.
The first time I remember drinking "too much", I guess I was about 8 or 9, was when my uncle gave me a bottle of Baby Duck in his trailer, after catching me sneaking drinks, and I drank the whole bottle by myself. When my mother found me, she freaked and forced me to eat something. Bad idea! I got sick and then passed out on the couch. I honestly do not remember anything she may have said to m,e before I passed out or after I woke up. I do remember thinking I would have to be a little more careful in my drinking.

I continued to drink until my parents split up, when I was 12 or 13. {Sorry, can't be more specific about ages as my memory sucks!} I replaced the alcohol addiction with a drug addiction at that time. Which consisted of an addiction to pain killers and marijuana, when ever I could get them.

The next period of drinking occurred when I was 16. I wound up combining it with a sex addiction. Needless to say there are a lot of things I did while drinking that I probably would not have done had I stayed sober; this included sleeping with 2 guys close enough together that, when I discovered I was pregnant, I didn't know who the father was. Discovering I was pregnant definitely made me stop drinking! However, I lost the baby anyways. I went back to school at 17, I had dropped out at 15 and tried to move on from losing my child; but, it didn't help and I decided, with a little help from my brother, to join the military.

In the military, drinking is a form of recreation and sometimes occurred due to ceremonies. I never told anyone of my "problem" with alcohol and managed to keep it pretty hidden from those I worked with while in the military. Again, I discovered I was pregnant and that made me stop drinking, I had a lot of knowledge about Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and that insured I quit. I pretty much kept getting pregnant every year or so from 1982-1986 and didn't drink when the girls where babies, I felt consumed by just taking care of the girls.

I separated from my husband in 1986 and raised my 4 daughters, with the help of family, without drinking until they were preteens. Truthfully, I did drink while attending celebrations linked to my volunteering; but, my daughters never really saw me drunk because I always had a babysitter or family member watching them and was sober by morning. The girls finally found me "bombed" when they were preteens and I made a lot of noise coming home one night. I didn't stop drinking at events until after I quit going to them. I still drink occasionally with family. Though I try to avoid having more than 1,mostly because of the Diabetes.

I've never been the type of Alcoholic who "needs" to drink, every day or every weekend. I'm the type of Alcoholic who once I start drinking I don't stop until I get sick, pass out or run out of alcohol. Yes, that is a type of Alcoholism! I can go years without drinking but if I decide to drink something and have more than 2 drinks, I'll keep drinking until I get drunk and stupid!

I am an Alcoholic and will always be one, even if I don't drink! The best way I've found to stop from taking a drink is to think of how it will affect those around me and my health.

I'd Like To Write About....

2010-07-04T23:54:00.000-06:00

There are topics I would like to write about but am reluctant to put them out in the open. things I have a lot of knowledge and experience with but am afraid of what others would think if they read them. Sure, I know not many people read these anymore and I really shouldn't concern myself with what others may think; but, that's just who I am and I do have friends and family that occasionally read that I wouldn't want to alienate. So, instead I am going to list some of them and leave it up to anyone who reads to comment and let me know if they are interested in reading my thoughts and/or experiences.

Sex ~ I talk about this a lot with family as we are very open about our lives, sometimes we are told too open. Will say this "Been there, done that!" pretty much applies to my experiences.

"Religion" ~ not really religion so much as beliefs and Christianity. From my childhood experiences with church going to my modern beliefs in God, Christ and doctrine through Berachah Church.

Family ~ lot's I haven't really gone into; like being a single mom and raising 4 girls, losing my girls to Child Services and things about my parents and siblings.

Relationships ~ although I have written a few blogs about them there is so much that I don't understand or have experienced that I haven't written about.

Addictions ~ in particular my experiences and thoughts on them and I've had way too much personal experience in this area. Things like living with an addictive person, as well.

Abuse ~ sure, I've written about some of it but there is so much that I haven't even scratched the surface of. Like growing up in an abusive household..... things I saw and things I went through that I have anxiety writing about.

Mental Illness~ mostly mine but some about genetics and it passing through the generations of the family. I've shared only a small amount of myself in these areas. Mostly because I get the feeling that a lot do not and/or do not want to understand.

Anyways, this is my thought: I may start another blog and just invite those who ask to it to write about these things. Although, I am always willing to exchange messages with anyone who wishes to talk about them too. See my previous blog.

Reaching Out

2010-07-01T21:40:00.000-06:00

Just thought I'd reach out to my followers and my friends. I know they are not the same thing though I wish they were. So, here goes nothing:

If you ever need someone to talk to just email me at ddjay@live.ca and mention this blog.
If you ever need someone to just listen email me and say "just listen" at the same address.
Please do not try to add me to MSN chat as I rarely ever "chat" I usually prefer to think over what I am going to say. However, I check that email address several times a day and always reply to messages. I do not care if you choose to use a pseudo-name or a email address not attached to who you are.

I would like to know if anyone wishes to exchange messages that are not just mundane, though mundane is OK. I am looking for someone who can understand and identify with my writings and who would like a true close friend; meaning a friend who is willing to listen, willing to try to understand and willing to share part of their lives. I try my best not to annoy anyone or become a "bother" but I really need someone to talk to or just listen to, someone willing to invite me into their life. Read my blogs and see if I might be the kind of person you could teach things to and learn from, a person you feel you could share with or just someone you might like as a friend.
I will warn anyone that I do get paranoid sometimes and wind up feeling like I'm being "ignored" or "rejected" at times.

I will tell everyone now, I have never in my entire 49 years of life had a close friend of the type I hope to make someday; but, then I guess my expectations probably exceed most people's, I require a person who has a lot of patience and the ability to reach out and clarify things they may not understand or talk out any problems that may arise.

Think You Know Me?

2010-06-26T18:26:00.000-06:00

I've revealed a lot about myself and my past in notes on Facebook and in my blogs;but, honestly I don't think that many have read everything I've written and what I have written is not everything about me! So, what is it others may know?
People who have read know the following things:
I am a caring person.
I suffer from anxiety.
I do tend to "lose it" now and then.
I'm very emotional.
I struggle with 2 types of Depression.
I tend to get paranoid at times.
I am a survivor of many different types of abuse.
I am physically in poor condition ~ I have Diabetes, FM, CPS, etc.
I am mentally ill; but, still can be a decent friend.
I have never "felt" whole but view myself as a conglomeration of parts. Many of whom exert their own thoughts over mine at times.
I am constantly changing and learning.
Family is important to me! In fact it's my sole reason for living at times.
I have bouts of suicidal thoughts.
I have a "problem" with males.
I struggle against Social Phobia and my whole life is pretty much lived through the computer, most days.
I am very opinionated and very stubborn!

There are things I haven't shared that much about; for example, my panic attacks. There is much of my life that I just can't remember or can't share yet. Eventually I may; but, then it will be just with a few who I've grown to trust and care deeply about. That may or may not include family members.

A few things to share:
I have great respect and love for most animals.
I believe in doing my share to keep the environment clean but am not an environmentalist and do not "preach" it.
I have lost family members and friends to cancer.
I have lost family members to suicide.
I enjoy looking at peoples pictures, especially scenery and flowers.
I do not really understand the "need" some people have for extreme privacy. In fact, the only people I grew up with or met in life that had this "need" turned out to have a lot of "nasty" little secrets and habits.
I do not understand why some people "need" to be in a relationship at all times.
I do not understand how some men can father many children with many different women or visa versa; but only the women get dumped on about it.

Well, more to come!

Thinking

2010-06-08T14:25:00.000-06:00

I've had a lot to think about over the past month and a half. Some of it is on this blog, some of it is not. I've been overwhelmed by little things I should have been able to handle just because my mind has been so preoccupied with the negativity of past events and my own battered self-esteem.

Seems no matter how hard I might want to forget and not let things bother me, they still do! I did try the best I could through my black days but that was not good enough and I do accept that; but, I also wonder just why my efforts are never good enough! Sure, I know I'm a "screw up", a "bother" and a "nuisance" but I am not like that 24/7 with most people and have learned and changed. I know I wrote things that were misunderstood and "paranoid" but that's just part of who I am. Why then does it bother me so much when certain people can not/ will not understand and accept me even with those faults? Why can I not just let go and let God take care of it?

Truth is, I don't have the answers and I wish I did. I just find that a certain type of person {usually a male with similar traits to my father} gets inside my head and heart and finds ways to tear me apart {whether through rejection or "attacks" be they verbal, written or physical, still hurts just as much}. I guess it just triggers emotions and feelings that I can't handle and sends me into a "paranoid" spin every time. Then again, most of these people do exhibit similar personalities and NONE of them likes being compared to each other. My response to that is this "If you see something about the other you don't like being compared to then take a harder look at your own behavior and change it! Because obviously others see the same trait in you!"

Having too much time to think can be just as bad for me as having too many thoughts and not enough time to work them out. I do get a little bored but that is a good thing at times and I've come to accept that zoning out and just letting nature calm and soothe me is a good thing and not "boring"!

I Was/Am Wrong!

2010-05-28T20:59:00.000-06:00

I was/am wrong to think that certain people could no longer hurt me! Seems I allow myself to absorb more and more pain with no end in site. Why I continue to let it bother me I do not know and I wish I could just forget and shut down these feelings and thoughts; but, I can't seem to.

I was wrong/am to think that I could just remain positive and move on from things. Apparently, that's just not me! Even the positive side of me just wants to run or quit.

There is just too much pain and too much emotions for me to continue. I was/am wrong to think I could ever be myself!

I was/am wrong to dismiss suicide as an option! I'm pretty sure it would please some people if I was gone from this world! I'm just afraid of the pain it would leave others; but, if I keep going, I'm beginning to think I will eventually {maybe sooner than later} utilize this option.

Perhaps it is time to disappear for the good of the majority and leave this vessel empty!

Mental Breakdown

2010-05-26T17:03:00.001-06:00

Over the past week, I've been struggling and , I feel, on the verge of a mental breakdown. The pressure of living in a building where you don't trust or get along with the manager, the stress of dealing with bureaucracy, health issues and emotional roller coaster rides for little or no reason have me wondering if life is worth living most days.

Last week the manager lost it on my daughter and blamed her for it and then just about busted my door down pounding on it. She threatened to have my daughter banned from the building saying my daughter swore at her, to my knowledge not true. This is the daughter who has the three kids, my only grandchildren. This manager is constantly finding reasons to complain about me and my daughters and she seems to know more about our apartment and activities than she should.I don't feel safe leaving the apartment with no one in it but I do need to get away. Unfortunately, Amanda seems less than willing to move or attempt to find a decent place.

Then there's the stress of Amanda wanting me to change. She wants me to cut down or, preferably, quit smoking, she wants me to change my eating habits and become more active and she wants me to do more around the apartment. although all good ideas, it seems like she expects me to change instantly.

Having to deal with my AISH worker this past week has been a nightmare for me. She doesn't understand how difficult the things she wants me to do are for me. Then trying to arrange a psychiatric assessment over the phone and not being able to get my feelings and thoughts out due to fear of talking on phone just tipped the scale the other day. Seems like I am not a threat to myself or anyone else so my issues are not important enough. Guess I'll just have to change that, or so Amanda suggested.

Constant pain from Fibromyalgia, daily migraines and diabetic complications have me feeling like I have the body of a senior but I can't access the help they receive. The most stressful for me are the migraines! They worry me because the stroke I had was preceded by the same problem with migraines. I really need to find a better doctor but until we move or I move it's difficult to figure out what area of town I should be looking for one in. Plus, it is difficult to find a decent doctor who is taking on new patients. So, I let my health slide more than I should because I dislike the thought of taking 2 buses and the anxiety that causes me.

On top of everything, I'm still dealing with all the feelings and emotional stress of missing people. My daughters {thankfully they are visiting in July}, my dad {sure he's been gone 10 years but there is a lot of baggage left there},friends {whom I use to visit but now I just can't seem to convince myself to leave the house and none of them ever call or email even} and of course a few people from FB that either deactivated their accounts or deleted me;even that person who re-added me several times only to delete me over and over, we never could seem to get along for more than a month or so ~ 98% my fault.Right now I wish I knew how to stop caring!

I really hate my life, my body and my brain!!!!!

"I Don't Give A F**K"

2010-05-24T00:47:00.000-06:00

I hear this a lot from all sorts of people but mostly men. My thoughts are this:

I spent half my life burying all my feelings and just being numb. That is truly not "giving a f*ck"! I let nothing anyone did or said penetrate the numbness. I never thought of what others might think of me. I just pretended to care or listen. I pretended to be whatever anyone else wanted me to be. The only problem with it was there was no real "joy" or "happiness" either!

That all changed when I gave birth to my first daughter! It seems that the overwhelming love that flooded me holding her put cracks in the "wall". Still it took me many, many years of therapy, groups and work to get back to allowing myself to feel and being able to identify what those feelings were.

There are some times, especially when I am in emotional pain, that I do wish I could go back to the numbness. However, I am unwilling to sacrifice the positive feelings that I have also gained back!

Thing is during the time when I was "shut down" I never once remember saying " I don't give a f*ck" because I truly didn't! So, every time I hear this statement I wonder why the person needs to affirm this "out loud". Perhaps they are trying to convince themselves more than anyone else!

Totally Unacceptable

2010-05-20T18:19:00.000-06:00

I find it distressing that our city/countries mental health system is so bad that it is virtually impossible to get help unless you are a threat to yourself or others!
So, because i am not at that point where I actually planned and/or attempted suicide or attacked someone else there is no help for me without waiting three or more months. By then maybe I will have done one or the other or all!
I sit here and burn myself with a cigarette just to help shove the mental pain and overwhelming feelings back down. Physical pain is almost constant for me anyways and with the loss of feeling in my hands and feet due to diabetes, it seems like a good idea just to insure myself I am alive. Besides, it does help me stop the tears and focus. yet, there is no way for me to reach out to anyone. Just can't do it except via my writing, even then it requires little or no interaction.
It's days like these past two that make me wonder why I even bother to go on. If I had no intimate knowledge of the pain suicide leaves and no beliefs that it's not my choice, I think it would be so much easier just to end it! However, I do and I can't allow myself to do that to my daughters!

Then people wonder why I don't look after my health................it's slow suicide!

Thoughts On Being Deleted

2010-05-02T06:48:00.000-06:00

There are many reasons that people are deleted as friends on a Social network. In my opinion, some of them are petty with easier (kinder) solutions and some of them are valid.
The following are reasons I have heard that I or others have been deleted for and my thoughts on them.

1. Sending too many requests~ It's as if people do not know how to ignore them or talk to the person and request they don't send any. It is even possible to block all requests from a specific person, though this is something I do not do I do know that others have done it to me. Simplest solution is message the person about the problem.

2. Sending too many group/page requests ~ same solutions as above.

3. Messaging "too much" ~ This was a reason I was deleted and my "solution" is that I no longer message anyone but do read and respond to messages. Seems some people are very "choosy" about who they exchange messages with and how often they expect other to message them. As a friend I thought messaging was a way to touch base and show that I cared; but, all I got was pain and ridicule for it :(

4) Misunderstandings ~ a common occurrence for me. In my opinion, people assume too much and rarely clarify those assumptions. To be fair, I admit that I am a very difficult person for some to understand and that I have a bad habit of talking over peoples heads and using the "wrong" words to try to get an idea across. Still think it's better to try an find out what is meant rather than assume and I am always open to messages, though many others never try to understand.

5) Accusing someone of ignoring me~ this is part of my paranoia and social ineptitude. Yes, I did it multiple times; but, to be fair to myself, I read in some notes from some of the people that they were doing it.

6) Being too negative ~ come on now, many people struggle with many different issues. Tolerance is a virtue too few have towards those who struggle with negativity {whether because of Depression, Mental Illness or just plain personality). This can be a valid reason but my choice is to try and discover why a person is like this and if I can do anything to help. If it's simply their personality and a constant behavior towards me, then there is the possibility of deleting them.

7) Cursing ~ this is something I rarely do when writing and for some it is just how they speak. Though I would probably never delete someone for this, I understand why others do. Simplest solution again is talk to the person via message.

8) Sexual overtures ~ whether via messages or photos. This is something I do not tolerate, though I have only deleted a couple of people for it. For some it is a constant problem and totally understandable when they delete/block someone for it.

9) No longer share anything through applications or interaction ~ understandable but I would still prefer knowing rather than just being deleted

10) Too many wall posts ~ Personally, it doesn't bother me because I know how to find certain peoples posts or just ignore most posts that do not involve me in some way. I think people need to learn how to hide certain applications rather than people.

11) No reason given ~ the most common type of deletion. Many add people for a game or games get them on their team and then delete them as a friend. This is not something I usually choose to do and if I discover multiple "unknowns" or "privates" on my games I remove them. Privacy settings lead to not being able to see a team mate.

Although I try to keep most friends I have deleted some whose walls were not visible, privacy setting precluded seeing game posts or info, some fake accounts and some who just never interacted. Personally I have accepted "friends" who use fake names as gaming friends; but, if I start to have problems with my account they are usually the first to go.

Thoughts Of The Past Couple Weeks

2010-04-26T23:40:00.000-06:00

I have not been writing on these blogs as much because I'm not sure anyone reads them and I've been striving to remain positive.

I did start another blog; but, it's just for random ,"tiny" thoughts. Haven't made it private because I hate having to "sign in" just to re-read what I've posted when I need to. However, it is not linked to this blog or the email address of this blog.

I did something a little "stupid" this week. I sent a "friend request" on FB to someone in an attempt to send them a message but immediately blocked the person and removed block in an attempt to stop them from getting it. I did all this due to the conflicting emotions and thoughts swirling around my brain when it comes to that certain person. My final decision - every time I start to think of them I say a small prayer and force myself to think of something or anyone else. Although I do wish they would remove themselves as a "follower" because they probably don't read these and never comment, there is no way for me to get the message to them and I don't like to permanently block anyone. Which is why I have no blocks on any email remaining addresses.

I worked six and a half hours on clearing all my requests on FB and found several from "unknowns", either people who deleted me or I deleted who's privacy settings do not let one see who they are unless they're a friend. This led to an hour or so of guilt tripping on my part for things I wrote or said that were based on my own stupidity of how FB requests operate and my own inability to keep up during the winter /fall blues. Now, I know most of my friends don't care; but, that doesn't change how I feel or think! On the positive side {OPS}, it leads me to the decision never to complain or accuse anyone of "ignoring" me again.

Still balking at the cigarette diet Amanda has me on, though I know she's doing it for both our benefits. Just wish I could exercise more will power for her.

I still think I'm pretty hopeless at friendship with males and nothing I've experienced in the past month or so has proven me wrong in that. I pretty much no longer "talk" to anyone via FB but family and though I do exchange little comments here and there, it's mostly with friends I've learned are not going to misunderstand or become negative towards me. Just a lot easier!

I'm really glad that summer is almost here. It signals a positive change in my Depression and thinking that makes daily life a lot easier for me and anyone around me. Especially since I can control the paranoia and "parts" better during this time!

Well, if you read this ~ Thank you and have a wonderful month of May!

Words and Emotions

2010-04-18T02:35:00.000-06:00

I often have major trouble finding the appropriate words to express exactly what I mean. This is especially true when it comes to describing my emotions. Perhaps because emotions were not really encouraged or described when I was growing up. Rather I was taught, by most adults I knew, that emotions were not really acceptable. Thus, I shut down for many years. When I started to allow myself to feel things again, I found that it was difficult and often only the most negative emotions would come through, bringing with them the most negative memories.

Even now many in my family tend to discourage emotions. {I'm not sure "discourage" is the write word but I'm using it anyways.} I am often told "stop being so emotional" and berated myself internally every time I allow my emotions to show too much to others. Sure it's easier for me to write than most but somehow I think most people don't understand how hard it can be for me to describe something so that they understand. The exception to this is when I "talk" to someone who has been through a lot of what I have or am going through. Thus it is very hard on me when someone misunderstands what I have written or jumps to conclusions without actually understanding.

The fact is this ~ it often takes me a while to write out anything and then I often go back and edit when I find it's been misunderstood. Words can be so difficult in English because they have so many different meanings to so many different people .Words are often affected by class and geographical usage as well.

My thought is this: Emotions are pretty much indescribable to most people unless they actually connect in some way with the issues that trigger those emotions!

Why I Keep/Kept Pushing People Away

2010-04-16T15:48:00.002-06:00

The honest truth is that I do it because I am afraid of people, especially those who assume or read too much into my words and thoughts! I am afraid of the judgement and always feel if I truly open up my heart I'll just get hurt! {Which happens too often} Sure I share a lot of my thoughts and feelings via the Internet; but, in "real life" I tend to be inherently shy and withdrawn, until I feel "safe" and "strong enough" to handle a situation.

When I feel an affinity or connection with anyone , I tend to push harder! It's easier for me to be "alone" than to have confidence and self-esteem when interacting with others. Especially because deep down inside I don't feel I deserve any friends and when I manage to push them away it just confirms it. Pathetic really but it is the truth!

The only people who truly know me well are my family because I have never let most people get any closer than exchanging a few words and thoughts. After all most of my family has always had strong ties and "love" for me regardless of how I behave or what I might say. I guess I've always felt like an "alien" in this world.. Usually misunderstood and often judged and rejected.

The other side of pushing others away is it does give one a sense of "Aha! I was right, you never truly cared." and that can be a somewhat positive feeling. The feeling one is able to manipulate how others react to them.

{ changed a few words because they just weren't right, not sure they are now either}

Since You've Been Gone

2010-04-16T15:29:00.001-06:00

A lot has changed in my life since you've been gone. I guess you could say I'm not even the same person anymore. I wish I could explain it all to you;but, I don't think you'd understand much of it. Then again maybe you understand it better than me now. I miss you and think about you often, perhaps not everyday; but, often enough and it still hurts. I just wish I could have talked to you about so much; but, I was afraid. Even now I'm not sure how much you intuited and if I can talk to you. Mostly I think I'm just so afraid of anyone's reaction to me that I find it very difficult to open up about those things I really need to talk about. To be truthful you never made it easy either, I guess because I always felt you distanced yourself from everyone in order to protect yourself. Though I do totally understand that, I did it for so many years! However, I have changed from doing that, though it has been a long and often painful road.
The big thing is that, though you're gone, I still feel your presence sometimes. The pain of those memories from the last time we spoke still haunts me now and then. So may things I should have done differently and so many things I could have said or not said that I don't even know where to start.
Though there is no valid reason to write this out, I just felt I needed to. Perhaps another time, in another life we will be able to connect better.

Just so there is no misunderstanding by anyone, this is to my dad ~ who passed away in Jan 2000.

I Refuse..........

2010-03-30T22:15:00.001-06:00

I refuse to let anything anyone else might say about me bother me anymore!
I refuse to fold to negativity ~ my own or any from others!
I refuse to be "forced" to be more private because others think I should!
I refuse to feel "guilty" or "regretful" over past events anymore!
I refuse to stop maturing and changing just because someone else thinks I should!
I refuse to stop caring about others because of a few "bad apples"!
I refuse to "give in" to my depression or disabilities!

On the Other Hand:
I will care about and pray for whomever I want!
I will be quiet when I need to!
I will continue to work on overcoming my paranoia and anxiety!
I will work my hardest to continue to find the positive in every day!

I still struggle daily but I also know I am learning and changing. I know my morals and values and refuse to change them for anyone but myself!

Mental Illness, Disorders and Addictions Within My Family

2010-03-24T00:29:00.000-06:00

Schizophrenia
Paranoid Scizophrenia
Bi-Polar Disorder
Depression
Chronic Depression
Seasonal Depression
Dissociative Disorders
Sociopath
Suicidal Ideation
ADHD
ADD
Paranoia
OCD
Alcoholism
Drug Addiction
Compulsive Gambling
Thrill Seeking to the point of addiction
Sex Addiction
Workaholic

As you can see it is an extensive list and I may even have missed some. This just goes to show I do know about these things and have experience dealing with those that struggle with them. I love my family and wouldn't swap them with any other. We do struggle but most of us are good people who care about others.

I have done many blogs on my own struggles with several of the above and have no problems with people who call me crazy because I know my family has more than it's fair share of nuts:D

If You ...................

2010-03-17T22:45:00.001-06:00

If you think I'm crazy................. join the club because I do too and most of my friends and family know I am!
If you think I've lied about something......................have the guts to talk to me about it! My email is open to anyone, anytime and I check it daily. {ddjay@live.ca}
If you need someone to listen ............feel free to email, I am always willing to listen! However, I can't promise not to talk back about similar things I've faced.
If you think I am old..................I'm older than a lot of people but I am not "old" inside. I just know I have had a lot of life experience packed in a medium lifetime. I'm only 49!
If you think I spend too much time thinking about things that are senseless.....................you're right, I do and I know it!
If you think I'm paranoid and take things too personal...................... I also know this to be true and fight it all the time.
If you don't care that much about what I think.................please do not follow/read this blog! These are my thoughts.
If you think I'm someone you might want to be friends with me..................add me on Facebook and mention this blog!
If you don't trust me................that's fine with me, trust takes time to develop and I have screwed up a lot!
If you read my blogs......................PLEASE mark one of the boxes!

I make no promises!
I don't lie about events in my life or the way I think! NO one can ever tell you how you think is a lie!
I write a lot and share it openly! I did have some private blogs but I deleted them all!
I deleted many emails but not the one attached to this blog or FB.
I am always growing, always learning and always changing............except the depression, unfortunately only goes up and down with the seasons and stress.
I often think I would make a good "fair weather" friend..............meaning I am a better friend from April - November than during the winter.
I am developing better patience with others and hope others can do the same with me.

Mental Illness And Me

2010-03-14T01:04:00.000-07:00

I suffer from a variety of illnesses, but, I never said I had Dissociative Personality Disorder or Multiple Personality disorder!I have been trying to explain the "glitches" in my brain and how I think; but, I find some people assume I am claiming that I have DPD when I don't! There really is no particular "category" of Mental Illness that my fucked up thinking "fits" into.

A psychiatrist once said he believed I was Bipolar , had SADS and Chronic Depression.The way he explained it to me my "manic" phases are linked to my addictions. The reason he said I have Chronic Depression is because I have been battling Depression since I was a teen and my brain has "forgotten" how to not be depressed. These are the only Mental Illnesses I have claimed to have diagnosed.

However, I have tried to explain how my mind is divided into "parts" which is my way of dealing with the world. Some of these "parts" do have names and most of them can push me (Dot) back into an observer position. Thus, I do "lose control" and say or do things which are contrary to my stated beliefs. I just do not really know how to explain it any differently or more clearly. I remember what I have done or said {as much as my faulty memory allows me too} and do know that somewhere inside of my brain I must have wanted to do the things but just couldn't accept the actions and words as my own. All these "parts" came into being throughout my life as ways to deal with emotions and situations I just couldn't handle any other way. I think that is because I was taught that emotions are not good and certain things just are not "acceptable" by the adults in my childhood.

Even writing this out I am struggling to focus and maintain control. The way I think is "crazy" and "unusual" and I have never really been able to explain it or talk about it before the past 3 years. The "parts" have always been with me since I can remember but I have never had "blackouts" other than those from alcohol or drug abuse and the conscious blackout of my childhood when I was a teen. That does not mean I don't have memory problems but I really don't think those problems are related.

If you can understand this and relate I would appreciate knowing I am not alone! However, though I do not have DPD, I do understand it. I have met others with that particular diagnosis.

Lesser Slave Lake, Devonshire Beach

2010-03-10T20:17:00.002-07:00

Just bored and thinking of missing "friends". Did this a couple different times during last summer. Was just fartin' around at Lesser Slave Lake Beach.Don't really think FB sucks without those "friends but I do miss some of them.

Think I'll Include a few more pictures:

Including some information about the beach:

a shot around the area we swam:

A wonderful spot for retrospect and swimming!

Early March 9th Thoughts

2010-03-09T01:08:00.001-07:00

Deleted all blogs except these, even deleted the Google accounts. Just trying to gain some control over myself. It is important for me to write but not to keep maintaining so many blogs. I am working on closing most email accounts down too, especially those known to certain people;but, I will maintain the one for these blogs and the one for Facebook. I have no one blocked on those and welcome any emails. However, I have opened a new email, just for family. It's important for me to be able to keep family separated from all the chaos in my life on the other emails. Thinking I may eventually shut down these blogs and this email; but, I'm not sure yet. Feel free to leave your opinion via comment or email because I could use some guidance.

I am working on trying to become more "sane" and "normal". I know eventually I will gain more control over things, just the fact that I have managed to delete the blogs and not "switch" gives me hope. However, some "parts" still wish to post some writings and therefore I saved those blogs. I am hoping people will talk me out of posting them though. For there is one I know will bring up a lot of shit for me and others and I don't intend on doing it ATM.

I hope and pray that others understand that these changes are my way of moving forward but they don't mean I have forgotten the negative things I did. I haven't forgotten and still haven't forgiven myself! I am working on learning to forgive myself and obsess less about what others think of me; but, I have no intention of changing my core being. I am an overly emotional, overly paranoid individual who just wants to become a caring, sharing, and understanding individual who can make friends and work things out on an adult level with those who wish to do the same.

Just two things left to say before I sleep:
Nika ~ I miss you girl and pray you are healthy and having fun!
Tony ~ Thank you for everything you taught me about myself and others. God bless you and I pray you and your son are doing well!
Miss you both.

I am Dot!

2010-03-08T18:15:00.000-07:00

I am Dot!

I struggle daily with ups and downs!

I try to be more like others but I just can't do it!

I fight myself daily.

I fight the desire to do things I know I shouldn't!

I fight the emotional see-saw that my brain puts me through!

I fight self-doubt.

I fight the paranoia and splitting.

I fight to have a "normal" life!

I fight suicidal thoughts daily, now.

I wonder if anyone understands how much I struggle just to be me.

I am up and down more than a well used see-saw; but, I am struggling to keep it to myself more!

I think too much about others and things I shouldn't and wish I knew how to stop it!

I pray for friend, family, enemies and pretty much everyone I meet.

I also pray for the ability to forget those things I feel I need to. Unfortunately, God and I do not seem to agree on this one:(

I have memory issues over everyday things and names. Sometimes even my own.

I am a mother, even though my daughters are all in their 20's! Therefore, I miss my girls who are farther away, daily!

I wonder about the "followers" of my blog and whether they actually read; especially since few mark a box and I wish they would.

I write out thoughts for many reasons.

I do have "attention seeking" traits because I feel so alone!

I am obese:(

I am currently a smoker.

I feel alone even when I am not!

I do know some understand but sometimes I don't feel it:(

I wonder if I will ever really want a "relationship" with anyone besides friendship or have I lost all desire for that.

I am multi-faceted, there is more to me than I can explain in writing!

Regret!

2010-03-02T21:50:00.002-07:00

Regret: Definition

2.to think of with a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc.

4.a feeling of sorrow or remorse for a fault, act, loss, disappointment, etc.

I've been thinking a lot about regret; because, I have often had regret due to things I have done/said or not done/ said. Just as I have harbored a lot of guilt over events from the past and my part in them, regardless of the fact that others may think I was too young or not responsible. I have been thinking about those things I still regret and those I still feel guilt over and have come to the conclusion that it is time let go of some of it! My deepest regrets and guilt will not be easily "let go of", I know that it is going to be a long, difficult journey but one I definitely need to make.

I know a lot of people who find it easy to "get over things" by blaming others and thereby not building any regret. However, I am not like that ~ when I fail at something, whether it be attempting to be a friend or even connecting with family, I tend to blame myself and hold onto regret over the "failure".

One of my deepest regrets is over the last time I spent with my father. I knew he wanted to talk and play cards but I was preoccupied with my own issues. Thus, thinking we would have plenty of time to deal with anything I just gave him some coffee and "rushed" him out the door. Although I did make sure to hug him and tell him I love him, my last words have always "haunted" me. I won't repeat them here as I am pretty sure I have written them before; what I will say is there are many things I wanted say to him and to talk to him about and never got the chance. Sure, I realized God has a plan and that it was his time to go but it did not make it any easier. That regret is one that I can now let go of by realizing those things would not have really made a difference in my life at that time or now and knowing my dad he would have steered any conversation away from the issues I really wanted to discuss.

As for my regrets over my failed attempts at friendship, well I am working on them. The biggest thing is I did learn from those and do have people who understand me, at least a little. Perhaps I will never be able to open up with a male again; but, I also can't judge them all to be the same! I also acknowledge that true friendship takes the work of both people and that is something that wasn't present in those failed attempts. I do not blame those others but my own inexperience and my desire for constant affirmation/feedback (my insecurities). Thankfully, through the feedback of other friends and a desire to change myself, I am learning to "let go of" those regrets. One thing I needed to learn is that "letting go of it"(whatever it is) does not mean I have to stop caring (for I still do care); but, just that I need to push that caring down deeper for my own sanity and mental health, in some cases.(That is be a little more distant to protect myself)

Regrets/guilt from childhood events is something I am focusing on letting go of. It is hard for me because of returning memories make some things feel so fresh and that is when I need to remind myself that it is all past and can't be changed!

I do tend to write things or say things I regret later - mostly due to the internal pressure of other "parts" trying to work out issues; but, I am learning to "filter" some of that and retain control, somewhat. I am learning that sometimes it is much better to keep my opinions and thoughts, especially paranoia, to myself!

All in all, I think it is difficult for me to "let go of" because of all those years where I could not remember and my fear of having another "blackout" of events in my life. That is something no one can understand unless they have been through it!

Finding Ways To Make It Through Depressions

2010-02-26T01:41:00.002-07:00

As most know I suffer from 2 different types of Depression, Seasonal and Chronic.

Seasonal Depression: Ways I am using to get through

My SADS usually starts kicking in sometime in October and lasts until May, oh the "lovely" Albertan Winter - not! In the past, I noticed my Seasonal Depression getting worse and worse each winter. Now, perhaps that was partly due to some of the crap going on; but, even with support from friends I was losing my mind. After the major insanity of last winter(2008/2009 I sought additional medication and support. The beginning of this winter started pretty much the same, crazy thinking and negative thoughts overwhelming me. Even with the increase in medication, I felt it was going to be a rough winter. However, after losing it totally and doing some major "soul searching", I decided that there were changes I absolutely had to make!

The major change was to start focusing on the positive people and things in my life, no matter how small the positive or how far away the person. I needed to wake up and realize how many truly great friends I have and how some people are just not worth the effort/pain.It does not mean I care "less" but that I need to put that caring behind a wall for now and maybe forever in some cases!

Since Christmas, and the resulting talk with my daughter Christina that awakened a necessity for change in my thinking, things have been improving! January and February are usually the worst months for me; however, this year I have had days of struggle and "hibernation" but they are not as many or as frequent. I think part of it is the new attitude and part is the solar lamp therapy. I got to say my family has played a large part in opening my eyes and helping me through and so have some of my friends!

I have also found a "new" interest and have put some of my attention there instead of in the "wrong" type of "reaching out"! No, it is not a person, as I am not now or never have I been seeking any relationship but friendship! Relationships are just too messy and complicated, especially when one struggles with Mental Health issues as I do {sadly, sometimes I think that even applies to friendship}.

Chronic Depression: Ways I am using to get through

Trying different herbal supplements! I think the key to that is just finding the right combinations that work for me.

"Choosing to be happy" ~ Still don't think I can do that but focusing more on the positive or even just mundane and a lot less on the negative.

Still working through issues that come up due to past events. Mostly not writing about them but sometimes writing out some stuff on my private blog/blogs.

Trying to keep the most negative thoughts cordoned off and separated from the main. That is, the other parts are dealing with a lot of it or I write it out in private blog. NO feedback but no grief from anyone either and no paranoia that it is misunderstood and used against me by anyone!

Think the biggest step has been the acceptance of the parts and allowing them their own freedoms, within limits (no FB but their own blog). Gradually working on learning to deal with some of the issues that they use to is helping to keep them in the background ~ IE: they are teaching me to cope.

My Blogs and Thoughts Of Feb 22/2010

2010-02-22T22:33:00.004-07:00

I have many blogs, not just those associated with this Google account, which I utilize to get my thoughts out or organized. I have one for the other parts to write on, one for negative thoughts and one for "insane" thoughts plus the four linked to this profile.

I mostly use the three blogs for thoughts I really don't think anyone can understand! There are things in my head that I have learned, sadly through experience, that most people either can't understand or just don't want to. In fact many of the negative crap that has happened recently comes from those who "chose" not to understand and would rather "poke fun at" or "rant" about.

Too many "people" out there in the world cling to the comfortable and familiar, rather than try to understand or help those who struggle just to get through the days {those who often suffer from Mental Illnesses}. On the other hand, I have also met some very wonderful caring people who not only understand but ask/support even when they don't! These caring individuals are rare and worth every effort to work at friendship with - even the effort of closing off some areas of my thoughts and striving to remain positive when I don't feel like it.

Being the open, caring and sharing type of person I am, I will gladly invite anyone who asks to view my private blogs. All it takes is a comment or message to my email asking to view, with a reference to which blogs.

I have not been writing as much on this blog as I use to because it is open and I do suffer from paranoia; that is the paranoia that my words here will be repeated and ridiculed by others. It has happened in the past and it may happen again. Still, I struggle to write out thoughts that I need to expunge before sleep or need to remind myself to work on because I know I am constantly learning and growing! Unfortunately, too many individuals out there prefer to stagnate and ridicule others rather than learn and grow.{ OK, there are a few negatives here and I really want to stop that in my writings here}

Still, I do miss some individuals who use to make me think and reconsider my own thoughts regarding others. I am not and have never claimed to be perfect or special! In truth, I am probably less "human" than many others because I have never really understood "friendship" and "socializing" and, although I am learning, I find there are many things I still have difficulty comprehending or accepting. I always forgive others but rarely forgive myself. I am always open to working out problems, even when others are not . Forgiving does not equal forgetting!

"Trust is earned and not just given" ~ I tend to give a limited trust to people when I first get to know them and either they earn a greater trust or betray that limited trust! I think if you wish to make good friends with others you must trust, at least a little, before you know them and then make a decision based on their words and actions. Sure, it has led to me being hurt, many times, but it has also allowed me to make some wonderful friends and have real relationships based on mutual respect with many people who were once strangers. Plus, I trust God 100% and know there is always a reason for whatever happens in my life!

Explaining

2010-02-19T12:39:00.002-07:00

I am constantly explaining my thoughts and actions to those who couldn't care less. This is something I need to stop doing! It's like a "compulsion" for me to explain and I think it stems from constantly being misunderstood throughout my life by so many people.

I know that I have difficulty communicating to certain people, especially men but in some cases women. I tend to see my meaning clearly in my mind but somewhere between my mind and my words it gets mixed up or lost. Sometimes it is because I "speak over" peoples heads but most of the time it's because I just can't find the words I want to convey the meaning I see.

So many times in my life I've got into arguments or been rejected by others because they have misunderstood my words or actions. I think that is the root of my inability to socialize with most people. However, I have managed to find some good friends who understand me or at least try. I cherish those friendships. Often they are people who have been through some of the same life experiences that I have;but, even some of those who have been through those experiences misunderstand {not sure why}.

However, mostly I find when others have been through some of the crap I have, those who don't want to remember or face the issues brought up by those experiences are usually the ones that misunderstand. They are usually the ones who say "forget it and move on" ~ if only it were that easy for all of us, but it's not! Selective memory or selective forgetting has never been part of my life. I remember what I remember, even if I don't want to and often forget what I don't want to. It would be wonderful if I could choose what to remember or forget but I can't!

Anyways, it is time I learn to stop explaining myself so much to others. After all, if my good friends and family can understand me or at least ask if they don't, then other people will just have to learn to ask if they don't understand! If they can't ask then perhaps that's just the way life is and it's not worth my time or thoughts to be so concerned about what they think.

I Believe

2010-02-09T00:19:00.002-07:00

I believe in God!
I believe Jesus Christ was the son of God and did die for our sins!
I believe people's actions speak louder than their words.
I believe that when some people are caught in a lie or lies they often attack another person to cover up the truth.
I believe all people make mistakes.
I believe in giving everyone as many chances as they need to be a friend.
I believe "forgiveness" is up to God, not me.
Therefore, I believe in forgiving everyone for any mistakes that are not criminal.
I believe "you can't judge a book by it's cover" and you shouldn't judge a person by how they look.
I believe true friends will stick by you no matter how crazy your actions may appear at times.
I believe I do have some very good friends, true friends.
I believe everyone deserves someone to care for them.

I believe is listening to friends and always responding ASAP to them.

I believe I am capable of being a good friend to people.

I believe I will be whole and sane someday!

Negative People

2010-02-08T03:45:00.004-07:00

I am very capable of being negative and even started my own negative blog to post those thoughts I deem too negative to post here or on FB. Thoughts I am pretty sure nobody would understand or want to read.

That said, I am really getting sick of all the negative crap on FB! It's one reason I have tried to change and be more positive in my writings and posts. Unfortunately, there is a lot of negative things that have happened to me throughout my life. I still need to work on some of them and sharing helps others to know they are not the only one, something I did not always know or feel.

Personally I try not to use expletives or "curse" words. I just think that people should be grown up enough to learn other ways of expressing themselves. However, apparently a lot of people aren't! The amount of Status Shuffle and groups that use those words is ridiculous; but , I guess it shows the type of person you could be dealing with.

I do NOT hate anyone or anything because I find it is a waste of energy and time! I have enough negative in my life that I don't need to hate or dislike. If people hate or dislike me, too bad I no longer care what others think ( on my good days). Unfortunately, I also see a lot of hate and negative attitudes to others on FB but that just proves that there are a lot of immature people who can't communicate on there. I mean telling someone"to go F*ck themselves" really just shows a person is incapable of interacting on a mature basis; but, to each their own.

If anyone finds it necessary to say crap about others, write it and share it with their friends that is their business; but, they shouldn't then be surprised that people think they are immature, dick heads and losers! Sorry, but there really are no appropriate words for those type of people. If anyone does not want to be thought of in that way then maybe they should think about changing and growing up! Also, it is not "sarcasm" or "funny" to most adults. Then again, who said most people were "adults". A persons age does not determine their maturity or capability to interact on an adult basis! { My little "rant"}

Mostly, I try very hard to ignore the negative things and people but sometimes it just gets to me and I feel the need to write something. However, the most negative things I want to write about things or people I will keep to that special blog! Which will be going private and require an invite to see.

Being A Friend

2010-02-06T01:47:00.004-07:00

Friendship is something I never really thought I developed a capability of doing. I really never even thought too much about friends. In my "formative" years, I lived on a "farm" ( my parents didn't really raise anything on that farm but us kids) and my only "friends" where siblings. When I started school I was already "blacklisted" due to my older siblings and our last name. So, I didn't really have an opportunity to make friends in school, except those few people like me who were considered "outcasts" for whatever reason. Unfortunately many of those kids did not remain in school with me long due to family circumstances or moving. There were a few kids who may have thought of me as a friend that I did not realize that was how they saw me.

Life continued like that until I was about 11(? not sure) when my parents separated and my youngest brother and I moved to the city with my mother. In the city, I was hesitant to make friends and the only real friends I had were boyfriends or friends of my brother. There were many reasons for that - Having to be responsible for looking after my brother while my mom went to school and worked, a twisted idea of "friendship" with a male due to sexual abuse earlier in life, being an introvert, "class" differences ( we were poor and a lot of kids just couldn't understand) besides which I didn't really want them to know that much about me ( lack of being able to trust). I did make one "good" friend at the first school I attended, I recognize now that she was a good friend. Due to circumstances she did not understand or know she got me and my family into trouble, or at least that is how I saw it. I won't go into it here but I know she thought she was helping but I didn't.

In my late teens the only "friends" I made were boyfriends. Even then I did not trust them with my secrets or let them get beyond the first set of protective walls I had. In fact, I usually wound up pushing them away with my behavior and distrust.

I joined the military when I was 17, just to get away from family and have a new experience. I was not successful at making friends there either. Though I did have a few boyfriends. However, the better they treated me the harder I pushed them away. Finally I decided I wanted to have a child, I didn't really even think or care about marriage. I was so desperate to feel loved that the first person who showed me that they could accept me and ask, I married. To this day I am not entirely sure I "loved" him or just the idea of being "in love". However, I did try almost anything to please him because I did care enough to want him to be happy. Things didn't work out but that is a whole other blog!

I never really have understood friendship, at least how others view it. I always thought a true friend was someone you could trust with anything you told them, someone who would talk and share even mundane details of their lives with you, someone who could see past the "pretending and masks" and understand the struggles, someone who would be honest and accept honesty in return; otherwise, someone who could accept a person for who they are, fuck ups and all, and forgive them when they do fuck up (as everyone does). Perhaps I have always expected too much of other people. However,I do expect the same of myself in a friendship.

I always try to "be there" for any friend who wants me to. That is why I always respond ASAP to emails or messages.

I have always forgiven anyone for pretty much anything except myself. However, that does not mean forgetting, for there are lessons to be learned from everything in life and forgetting always leads to repeating mistakes or being walk over (JMO).

I try, in my own socially awkward way to interact with any friend; but, that has lead to rejection in some cases. The more I desire a true friendship with someone the more I try to interact; but, lately (due to my own issues) I have not even tried interacting that much with anyone.

Truthfully, I do not have any "real" life friends ( those outside of FB). I do have a few people I use to consider friends but we have lost touch due to my issues and their lives.

Most of my life my only true friends have been family and that has been enough. However, sometimes I do wish I had friends or buddies. This is one of those times; but, I am afraid to let anyone that close anymore! Plus I still don't understand friendship.