A History - Part 1

My life in a nutshell:

First memories are of our small farmhouse near Gunn.
Warm, happy, crowded,busy.
Remember my mom baking bread in the wood stove and smiling.
Remember My brother always falling in the root cellar when the trap door was open.
Remember the smell of the root cellar being moldy,musty and yet inviting.
Remember waking up in the winter to ice on the floor of what was our bedroom.
Our being my 6 siblings and I.
Remember sharing a king size bed with 2 brothers and my sister.
Crowded by comforting!
Remember my mom saying the place was built from 2 chicken coops pushed up to the existing structure to make the bedrooms.
Remember the pot bellied stove for heat:)
Remember some parties my parent's use to have.
Remember my Uncle Joe breaking my favorite stool when he was drunk.
Remember I wanted to be around the adults and older kids a lot.
Then remember the day it went all to hell!

The Day!
I guess I was about 4 or 5 years old - don't know for sure.
I wanted to see what the older boys were up to in the barn - even though I was not suppose to go up there.
I tried sneaking up to the hayloft but guess I wasn't quiet enough.
My brother must have heard me because he convinced me to come closer.
There were 5 boys in the hayloft - 2 brothers and 3 cousins.
They were looking at porn magazines my dad had.
They told me this is what mommies and daddies do when they love each other.
Then they asked me if I wanted to be a good mommy.
I did I told them!
They said I needed to know how to do what was in the books.
Then they took turns....
I try not to remember anymore details but sometimes am unsuccessful!
All I remember for sure is those images in front of me on the hay bale.
Kneeling or bending over a hay bale and pain!
I remember shutting down all feeling and wishing myself somewhere else!
I remember being told I could not tell mom or anyone as I was not suppose to be in the barn.
I hid for a while in the bushes and cried until I couldnot cry anymore and then promised myself I would never cry again!