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July 20 2014

Been a long time since I posted here. Had a rough day today and even thought about suicide. Unfortunately or perhaps fortunately, I am a coward, meaning I'm afraid, when it comes to dying. My biggest fear is attempting suicide and failing and being forced to live an even worse life than I am today.
Today was bad for several reasons.
1: I have been in pain all day as I was trying to avoid taking any painkillers. I hate taking pills and the painkillers make me tired. Since I am already tired all the time from the Fibromyalgia and fighting the pain, I don't need anything else to add to my exhaustion.

2: My mother. She has a way of triggering negative thoughts and emotions in me. I feel I have to go over to her place and work as I owe her a lot of money and it's one way of paying some of it back. I love the lady but sometimes she seems to be able to misunderstand everything I say and twist things around until I don't know whether I'm coming or going.

3: My youngest is in Canada for the first time in 2 or 3 years. I was unable to meet her when she arrived and will probably not get to see much of her while she is in Edmonton. She doesn't understand that I just want to be as close to her as possible for as long as I can while she is here. I know I will get to spend some time with her but it doesn't seem like it will be enough to carry me through 3 or more years.

4: My daughter Amanda. Plans were that she would be visiting from the 19th until the 24th of July and then we would go spend time with her sisters. She changed plans, without saying why, so now she will be here - at my mom's- from the 22nd until the 24th. She actually did not want to spend her birthday with her sisters and me. I don't know why but she gave some speech to my mom that makes mom think she's afraid we will borrow money off of her. Seems she doesn't really want anything to do with me. She is only coming up here because my mom lives here.

5: My daughters' choice of significant others. None of them like me or can even tolerate me it seems. Most of them dislike that I am a terrible housekeeper and don't understand either my physical limitations or my mental health problems. They want nothing to do with me and try to keep my daughters away from me, like I will poison my daughters by association. None of them understands my need to be close to my girls and in contact with them. Damn I'm an overprotective mother.

Mostly things just got too much and I wanted someone in my family to actually care about me. Instead I got a message to keep things private and shut the hell up.  I'm suppose to do all the contacting and keeping things up. I think that sucks but then that's the way of the world now. Today's message is nobody cares for anyone but themselves any more! The world has become a selfish place where I no longer belong but then I never did belong!

Understanding My Depression

I grew up being sexually abused, in a household with alcoholic parents, who were quite often emotionally absent. I have been used and abused by many men/boys. That is where my Depression started. However, I feel I have dealt with many of the issues dealing with that stuff.
I lost a child when I was 16. I was an alcoholic for many years during my teens and early twenties. I ran away from home by joining the Armed Forces. I jumped into a marriage because I wanted children. These are issues I have only addressed slightly.
My marriage was abusive. I wound up raising four daughters as a single mother on Welfare. They were taken from me by Child Welfare when they were in their teens, right after my father passed away. Some of these issues I have gone over, but I still have trouble with my father's death.
I developed health issues after the birth of my daughters. So, mid-twenties. These have gotten worse over the years to the point they are now disabling. I have a lot of stress and anxiety overr my health. This I have not addressed with anyone.
I developed bad to severe anxieties after my stroke in 2007. It triggered a lot of mental health issues that I thought I had gotten under control. My social phobia has increased greatly since then, exacerbated by events on Facebook. As well, the appearance of other personalities became evident after the stroke, at least that is when I became fully aware of it.
I have moved a lot since my children were taken away, several times being without a permanent residence.

However, lately I feel my Depression has been worsened by Peri-menopause, empty nest syndrome and family issues. The greatest family issue being my relationship with my mother. As well, I just feel like I've lost myself somewhere along the way.
Even when I find someone to talk to, there is a problem with my being clear in my speaking and writing. Meaning I find that I am often misunderstood and people never seem to take the time to ask what I really mean by what I say/write.

Depression, the black hole of my life, has been present since I was very young. There have been times where I felt I was done with Depression, but, it's never lasted for a long time. The exception being when I was completely shut down in my teens. After my parents divorced, I somehow managed to black out my past and turn off my emotions. Even though I didn't seem to be depressed, I didn't really enjoy life because I felt nothing.

So, I restarted counseling  and hope to figure out how to get out of the Depression and stay out. If that is not possible, I'd at least like to be able to enjoy life, instead of wishing I was dead most of the time. Along with counseling the psychiatrist increased my antidepressants. This has, at least, managed to decrease the suicidal thoughts and the death wishing.

Mostly, I wonder if I will ever truly be able to "get over" the past and move on to a future of hope.

Sleep Issues & Stuff

For the past year I've been having difficulty sleeping. I either don't sleep enough or sleep too much. Whichever it is, when I sleep it's mostly tossing and turning and waking up several times. When I don't sleep enough it's because I give up and get online on Facebook or start watching videos.
All these problems with sleep are just contributing to the depression. When I talked to my doctor about it he said "It's an age thing". Well, gee doc, thanks for the help.
Often I go 2 nights without sleep and then sleep for an entire day and night. Can't get anything done this way. Although my mother is trying to be understanding and supportive, I feel like she wants me to just work it out as soon as possible and get back to helping her with the garden and stuff. I would love to do that!
Tonight is the second night I've been awake most of the night. It really screws with my thought process and right now I'd love to go to sleep. However, I am getting night sweats as well as having trouble staying asleep.
So, I thought I'd write a bit on here, since I've already been on FB and can't concentrate enough to play games.

The Depression is fluctuating now. I'm going through a gradual increase in medication. It is helping, because I've been having less suicidal thoughts and am better able to curtail those thoughts that lead to a deeper Depression when they start to pop into my head. I just wish I was finished the increases already and stable enough to work things out !

A few days ago, maybe a week, I wrote a couple of blogs when I was really depressed.I mentioned someone I use to be friends with on FB. He has since disappeared from FB. I still think about how poorly I treated him and visa-verse. I hope I was not the cause of his disappearance. Thinking about him just depresses me further.

Best to think of my girls. I have not heard from my oldest for months, except a very brief, Happy Mother's Day. I have not seen her or her kids for over a year. My second oldest, Amanda, has moved to B.C. She is doing well and I hope things work out for her there. I am a little concerned about he third oldest, Jennifer, as she seems to be struggling with a few issues right now. However, I have confidence that she will be able to get through this rough patch. Haven't seen her in a while either, since Christmas{?}. Visiting is difficult for me due to finances and lack of transportation. My youngest, Chris, seems to be doing well in London. Although I won't get to see her this year, we have manged to Skype and phone. I really miss those little girls who use to hug me and talk to me all the time when I was struggling. If not for them, I probably wouldn't be here!

Health wise things are going OK, I guess. I'm now use Oxyneo as a pain killer and it's pretty effective. It allows me to get out and walk more and spend the time gardening or working for mom. Unfortunately, when I am lacking sleep it pretty much knocks me out. Although I am in Peri-menopause, I am having hot flashes, night sweats and cold flashes. The migraines are less frequent with the medication changes but I still fight headaches about 3 times a week.  My body is riddled with arthritis and added to the Fibromyalgia it tends to send me for the pain killers too often for my liking.

Well, guess I should try and sleep. Otherwise I will spend the next 24 hours battling a deeper Depression.


Depression

Depression, pretty much defines my life from the age of 6, is a mental illness and not just a feeling of sadness. Too many people think because they have gone through tough times in their life when they have been down and sad that they know what Depression is and how to "get over it". However, I find the only people who truly understand what Depression is like are those who battle it.

Depression is not the same for everyone! There are similar symptoms but the thoughts and depth of Depression differ from person to person. Right now for me the "lack" of feeling is just as horrible as when I feel like crying all the time.It feels like there is a huge hole inside of me and it's trying to swallow me up. A nothingness, with no reason and no way to combat the feeling. It hurts, not just mentally but physically. There is no way to truly convey the feeling unless you've been there. There is also no way to ask for help because no one truly understands how I feel. Besides, I've given up reaching out, it just leads to misunderstandings and more pain!

I've battled feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, sadness, lethargy, and all the rest most of my life. In truth I don't know what it is like not to be Depressed. That's not to say there have not been good days in my life. In my worst hours I cling to those days.The birth of my daughters, raising them and the special girls they were/are, holding my grandchildren, graduating (albeit late) and a few others memories are all that keep me going some days.
Still on days like today, I wish I could go back to that non-caring, non-feeling person I was throughout my teenage years and early twenties. Even that was better than feeling like I'm disappearing and like I'll never be happy again.

I've posted a lot about Depression in the past and continue to post quotes about it on Facebook. Those quotes are ones I feel say a little of how I think and feel, most days. So, I won't go into too much more about it now.

So, what tipped the "scale" today? Thinking about old shit, thinking about misunderstanding by people who are suppose to be my "support", thinking about a bleak future of loneliness and physical inability, etc. Mostly it's the thoughts that I'd rather just sleep than do anything else and then the lack of any decent sleep even when I try.

If anyone can understand any of this I would appreciate a comment.

Who I Am

I know I am not a "positive" person. In fact the only thing I am positive of is the fact that I will survive almost everything thrown at me. Eventually, I won't because everyone has to die sometime. If you don't like my negative writing and depressing personality - don't read any further!
I write about depression and negative thoughts because that is who I am!

It's January of a new year and to me the thought of the world ending in 2012 is actually fine. I am fighting another depressive episode, as I do every winter. Winter here is too long! Winter is often from Oct to May. You would think I would move but the thing is I could never afford to. I got a "solar glow" lamp for Christmas and still have not plugged it in. Mostly I have been sleeping for a few hours, waking up, going on FB for an hour or two and then going back to sleep. Sleep is the one method I have to escape but even there the dreams can get so depressing they wake me up.

My writing has been sporadic and negative. This is a reflection of my thoughts. I am not even sure I am making much sense, here or on any of my blogs.
Sure, I can pretend to be happy and upbeat but I got tired of that a few years ago! It takes an enormous amount of energy and a desire to please others that I no longer have. I think I do want to please others, it's just I keep wondering "what's the point?". I mean - very few out there care what I am doing or what I think and those who do understand what I am going through.

Pretending is something I decided to stop doing after I had my stroke - which scared me to think I was so close to dying and hadn't even got to know myself or let anyone know me. If I died the person that would be remembered was not me but just who everyone wanted me to be. Doesn't everyone have a deep desire to be remembered for them self? Perhaps not but I do! I would much rather be hated and rejected for who I am than for who others think I am!

I am a depressed, negative person most of the year!
I am a caring individual who takes time to listen to friends and respond!
I am a prolific writer who uses it as a tool to change and grow 75% of the time and just release crappy thoughts 23% of the time!
I am a survivor! I have survived many things, some I have shared, some I have not!
I am sensitive, paranoid, mentally ill, physically ill, obese and yet somehow always caring, sharing and helping where I can!
I do take things too personal, that is just who I am!

It is my goal to become a better human being, mother and grandparent. A goal I hope to achieve without pretending!

Latest Happenings

Been a long time since I posted here. Pretty sure no one is actually reading my posts anymore. Which is OK because it gives me freedom to write whatever I truly think.

 I've started counselling again. This past winter I had the worst depression in 13 years. The last time I felt this bad was when my dad died. Even the depression I went through when all the shit with Tony happened wasn't this bad. Thing is I don't even know why I've slipped so far backwards.  Think it's family issues mainly.

Living in Smith means dealing a lot more with family, especially my mom, whom I can't be myself with. She has no clue who I am and everything I've tried to share with her she does not truly understand or thinks there is an easy fix.

Truth is I don't really like myself and never really have. Some of the others do but that's a whole different ball game. I, meaning Dot, have managed to gain control over the others and mostly they just yak in my head now.I think the stress of living in the city with my daughter and all the crap that was happening with Tony tipped me over the edge those years ago when the others started taking control at times. Smith is a lot less stressful. Though I pretty much let Dorothy handle mom. She is the big People Pleaser and more able to be what mom wants.

As for counselling, I just started so really have not reached any conclusions yet. I do like the counsellor and the psychiatrist out here. The only issues we have discussed are my issues with mom and a little about the others. I have been given a huge increase in my medication though. I just find it makes me sleepy now.

Social phobia is still very much full blown and worse since the Tony shit. I've shut down a lot of sharing and don't really exchange messages with anyone. Sticking to quotes mainly for status.Of course, in Smith, there is really no social activities that I go to and even when I have I talk  to no one. Keeping all my thoughts bottled up may have contributed to the latest depression. I just have too much anxiety over what happened to ever reach out again!

I don't think counselling will really help me on that point. I learned from Tony that you really can't trust anyone. They will always jump to their own conclusions and twist anything you say into whatever they need to to justify their own actions.That's the main reason I've never really liked people. I hate it when you try to be nice to someone and get turned into a villain. People who say one thing to a person and another to other people really need more help than I do; but, that's a whole other topic.

Besides counselling, my doctor finally gave me a painkiller that works, Oxyneo, a time release form of Oxycontin  Although he keeps worrying that I'm going to sell them or overdose. Neither of which will  happen. I have more sense than to mix alcohol with it or take more than I need, besides all it does is make me sleepy if I take too much.

I've managed to lose weight, down to 215 lbs now. I am going to keep working on it until I get down to 145 lbs which is my target weight.Although right now I'd be extremely happy to get under 200! I haven't been under that since I started having kids. I started working on the weight loss more seriously because the doctors would not look at my other ailments, preferring to blame everything on my weight. However, I will keep working on it for myself, not for anyone else; but, because I hate being this large.

Still no interest in getting into a relationship with anyone. Haven't been interested in that since my marriage failed. Though the marriage failed due to both of us having past issues, I have not been able to deal with all my issues enough to consider ever mixing in someone else's issues. Relationships are off the table and have been for over 30 years! Truthfully, I can't even manage friendships due to the Social phobia and all the misunderstandings that took place with people on Facebook. Will I ever be able to have a friendship?

Anxiety and paranoia are obviously still high on my list of things to deal with.  Although I've made no effort to contact anyone from the past and will not, I still think about all the shit that happened and all the nasty things that were said about me and worry about if it's still happening.  However, I, at least, hold no grudges and forgave everyone for what happened, just haven't been able to let go as much as I would like. Would love to forget it all but it taught me many lessons about dealing with others. The main lesson being don't even try!

Sometimes think it would be much better if I could completely shut down again; but, then I remember I didn't enjoy a lot of things then either. Would miss enjoying time with my kids and grandkids if I fully shut down. Although I am trying to learn to shut out other people and just not give a damn about what anyone else thinks, excluding family, I haven't quite got the hang of it yet.

Anyways, besides putting in the garden and taking care of it for mom, I pretty much stick to being by myself. I don't get to see my girls that often, no where near as often as I would like. Haven't seen my grandkids in over a year and that makes me very sad. I can't afford to travel and they can't travel here that much. There is only one bus that comes near Smith and the ones that drive or fly can't really afford to visit. Miss them a lot!

Seems like most of my life is spent alone now or hiding who I am. It's a shame because I think I do have insight to offer others but just don't have the courage or strength to do it anymore.In effect, I've let one person ruin my life and rob others of what I have to offer. Tony, I hope you're proud of what you accomplished!


LATER
I've been thinking about it and I think I've given Tony too much credit. Truly all he did was remind me of a lot of shit I already knew but chose to overlook. My life hasn't been totally ruined either. Just had a lot of things triggered, that Tony couldn't possibly known about, because I have not shared everything with people. I shared a lot but there is some things that are still too painful to share. Although the crap with Tony has changed how I act on Facebook and even in social situations, it has been my choice to change. I just need to find the strength to get over it and possibly the courage to open up again. However, I don't trust my own judgement when it comes to other people, especially on the Internet. Guess you could say I've been stung too many times.

Constant Pain

Lately I am in constant pain, even the painkillers I am taking are not working well enough to dull the pain anymore. The thing about the pain is it is just exaggerating my depression. It is supposedly caused by arthritis in my spine and Fibromyalgia {which the doctors up here do not believe is a valid diagnosis}. However, since I had the diagnosis from reputable doctors in Edmonton, I am seriously considering looking for a better doctor, even if it means monthly trips on the bus to the city.
The pain is really driving me nuts lately. I am unable to sleep for more than 4 hours because when I roll over the pain wakes me up, even though I am on medication to sleep and painkillers. Also, I am unable to focus long on any one thing , especially at the computer because the chair at the computer actually tends to trigger the pain more. I wish I could afford a decent computer chair, the one I have is from Take it or Leave it. I can't walk very far or very long on the walker because, besides the pain, my right leg goes numb from the hip down.
The pain does seem less when I "let" one of the "others" take over for a bit but it is still there. I am short tempered, depressed and even having suicidal thoughts. I wish I could get my doctors and family to understand how much pain I am in. Mind you, if I burn or hurt myself it does distract me from the back and hip pain but more pain is not a good substitute for a good nights sleep and a pain free day!
The last few days I've even considered severing my spinal cord at the waist; but, I'm too much of a chicken to actually do it, at least at this time. It's really too bad that I don't believe it is my right to kill myself but God's decision. Otherwise I really would commit suicide. That would make some people happy but would do too much harm to others.
I wonder if anyone knows how to live with constant pain and not wish for death. Several members of my family do live with constant pain but most of them still think about death, either like my mom... hoping not to live much longer or like my brother ....who puts himself in dangerous situations that could cause death or like me ....with suicidal thoughts.
I just wish I knew what the point was!

Embarrassment

Today my 26 year old daughter told me not to comment on any of her posts because it embarrasses her. I will honor that request, though I still say I don't truly understand it. I do understand that it is a boundary she has set. I  have not been embarrassed by my mother since I was a teenager. In fact the only thing that ever embarrasses me is compliments and praise; probably because I don't feel I deserve them. Yes, I know "kids" are embarrassed by their parents quite often but I never really thought of a mature adult being embarrassed by a average parent. I have been embarrassed of my father when he was alive, always due to his drinking. That was only on a rare occasion when my kids were aware of the drinking.

 I know I am by no means an average person but mostly I reserve my craziness and peculiarities to myself now. I don't even trust family to understand or be tolerant any more. Other than inappropriate discussions about sexual matters, this is the first time one of my girls has said I embarrass them. I assumed they were embarrassed by my physical appearance when they were teenagers, one of the reasons I did not attend school functions. I assumed this because I was and still am very uncomfortable with my physical appearance. I have never thought of my self as pretty or beautiful and don't believe others when they say it. In fact someone calling me that does trigger embarrassment on my part, if not a thought that they need glasses.

I know I get embarrassed because most of the time I wish I was invisible and when someone compliments me or praises something I've done it makes me feel "singled out". I know some will not believe this but I really do NOT like being noticed or getting attention. Although, I guess a few of the "others", who share this body, may. Even the realization that the "others" may is embarrassing to me.

I am not really sure when I developed the desire to be invisible. Probably when I was young and wanted to be around the grownups when they talked, when my parents use to hold parties. I often would hide under the table or behind the couch just to listen in. Whenever my mother caught me there I was sent away, either outside or to bed.

So, if I want to be invisible why a blog? One because I hope others out there will know they are not alone or may let me know I am not alone. Two, because it is someplace to write things down and not lose them. Three, it gives those who want a chance to know the real me a place to do that.


2013

I don't plan anything too much ahead of time, for I truly believe we are only given one day at a time. That said, I do have a few things I'd like to accomplish this year if given the time.

1) Still going to be working on losing weight, not focusing on losing a lot quickly but a gradual loss over the year would be nice.

2) Doctors all agree I need to quit smoking to reduce the risk of having another stroke. I think about it a lot but I just don't believe I have the will power to quit. However, I do plan on working on it over the year in hopes I can eventually do it.

3) Definitely, want to plant and work a garden at my mom's again, if she let's me.I enjoy putzing around in the garden and love the fresh vegetables. Nothing quite as relaxing and comforting to me.

4) In spite of the pain and my health, I want to walk more this year and take more photos while doing that.

5) Want to work on trying to develop some friendships. Haven't had a close friend for many years. Probably only had a few in my entire life. I still find it very difficult to interact with people and was/am not the kind of person who likes to "chat"/gossip. Not into TV, movies, current events, etc. so don't really know what to say to anyone. Tried the whole messaging to see how someone was, wishing people a good day, etc. and all that got me was the title of stalker.

Need to keep working on myself. Keep working on the mental illnesses and fighting them. really want to make more of an effort to be more "outgoing" and positive.

Things that will remain the same include - living in my own place in Smith, playing on Facebook, hopefully blogging {as long as I can fight the anxiety and paranoia}, being close to my family. Being alone, meaning not in a relationship. Still too screwed up to get involved with another person and still not sure about a lot of issues regarding my sexual orientation. Plus, I'm still uncomfortable with my own appearance to think anyone could really like it.

Wishing anyone who read this a good year in 2013!


2012

Well it's the tail end of 2012 and things have changed some since my last posts.

1. My physical health is getting worse as far as Fibromyalgia, arthritis and pain goes. On the other hand, I am starting to lose weight - though I've probably gained a bit during this holiday season.

2. My mental health is improving - the schisms (aka others) are a lot less frequent in appearance and  the depression is not as bad since I've moved out of the city. On the other hand, I still obsess about some things and still fights anxiety and paranoia.

3. My daughter, Amanda, brought up my cat, Teaser, to live with me. It helps ease some of the "loneliness" of living in my own place.

4. I've let go of a lot of the past, meaning I no longer think there is much to learn from rehashing the same old "injuries" again and again. Trying to live in the present instead.

5. Still see a  pretty bleak future for myself.

6. Still miss my girls and grandkids.

7. Still think about things and people I shouldn't, not sure how to stop that.

8. Still playing games on Facebook, though not as often. Did not even go on Christmas day.

9. Still lazy when it comes to organizing and cleaning house, though some of that is due to physical limitations.

10. Looking forward to gardening again in the spring/summer/fall. My brother built me some planters for Christmas, hope to use them next year.

11. Family, honesty and faith are still the most important things to me. I know I screwed up big time before on the honesty front.. that is, Suzy et al. However, I understand the mechanisms of the schisms in my psyche better now and hope never to do it again. Not that anybody but me cares about that any more.

12.Overall, helped mom a lot during the spring, summer and fall. Have even helped a little this winter, chopping kindling. I still have issues with her at times and I still do not really talk about them with her or anyone.

13.Realizing I am getting old and may not have that much time left, especially if I can't quit smoking and lose about 75 lbs.But then again, who knows how much time any one of us really has..... only God.

14.Still have my faith though it's not as focused/strong as previous years. I practice what I believe and let others find their own beliefs.

Not even sure anyone visits this blog anymore; but, like I always said, I write more for myself than anyone else.Hoping to write more next year, if I could just stop the anxiety and paranoia.

History Part 2: Childhood Memories.

I am always amazed by people who say they remember clearly things from when they were children, as young as 2.
For myself, my childhood memories are patchy and I'm often unclear of the age at which the memory occurred. I am going to write some memories out but memories are subjective - meaning how I remember a certain event may not be how others remember it.

My memories from the "old house":
This was basically a cabin with a few chicken coops pushed up and attached for bedrooms.
My earliest memories are more tactile than clear.
I remember the smell of mom baking bread in the wood stove. I remember the warmth of the stove. I remember watching my mom bake a lot and stoke the wood stove and the comfort of the smells.
I remember the ice on the floor getting out of bed in the winter to use the "pee pot". I remember how warm, comfortable and crowded that king-sized bed was with 4 of us sharing it. The 4 youngest shared the bed and the 3 oldest got a triple deck bunk bed.
I remember the pot belly heater in the main room. I remember mom telling us to "look out for Marty" every time we opened the root cellar. I remember the dank, musty smell of the cellar and seeing the boys or mom getting canning out of it. I really remember the spiders!
I remember an uncle being drunk and breaking my favorite stool. Not sure which uncle, either George or Joe, both gone now. I remember the parties my parents sometimes had and of course, sneaking drinks.
I remember the outhouse and how frickin' cold it was in winter.
I remember we had a chicken coop and collecting eggs with mom.
I remember the boot room and getting ready for school.
I remember when the dug the basement for the new house. My brother Rick, martin and I collected frogs out of the hole and got in heck for it:)
I remember sledding down the hill and how fun it all was.

I think my sharpest memory, and the one I "blocked out" for most of my life, is the last memory I have of the "old house". That one is explained in "A History Part 1 under The Day It All Went To Hell".

Memories from the "new house":
This was a house my parents had brought to the farm. A 2 story with 3 bedrooms, a proper kitchen and living room and a bathroom.
Mostly I try not to think too much about this house. The best times were had outside of it.
A good memory is when they put the chimney in. The youngest of us kids use to sneak down the hole from the top floor to the kitchen or sometimes even to the basement.
My dad putting drawers into the walls of the bedrooms is another good memory.
There may be 1 or 2 more but I think I'll save them for another note:)
The Bad ones will definitely go into another!

True Depression Insight

Just can't figure out why I am so down lately, no reason for being this way, except true depression. Sometimes even when everything seems to be going well and I have no reason for being weepy, upset, blue, etc. I just wind up feeling as if the world is crashing down around my shoulders. This is one of those times.
I'm taking all of my meds, it's sunny enough out, and except for some physical pain I know I am doing well enough.......just wish I didn't feel this way,

On the physical side, I have been battling a lot of pain in my back, shoulders and neck. Concerned about the reasons and have set up a doctor's appointment. Assuming the reason for the depression this time is concern over my health and battling the pain. Thinking, I wish I had the money to drink.

Defining Dorothy

My definition of myself is complicated. It consists of many aspects and thoughts.

1. I am a believer - I believe Jesus Christ was/is real and did die for our sins. I believe in the Trinity.

2. I am a mother - I raised 4 beautiful daughters who have become wonderful women. They have social conscience, empathy and are very aware of who they are and what they expect from life{most of the time}

3. I am beautiful - inside I am a beautiful person even if no one thinks so by looking at my outside. Even if I hate the way I look, I know inside my soul I am beautiful.

4. I am a thinker - I love to think about all sorts of things. My brain is always working on something. I love that most of the time;but, wish it would at least take a break when I sleep. It doesn't though. I know my dreams that I remember are often ways of working out something that has been on my mind.

5. I am smart - I do have a lot of knowledge. Quite a bit from experience and a lot from reading, doing crosswords, watching documentary type programs, listening at the right times, etc. I may be intellectual in some things but am quiet stupid when it comes to social things. Mainly because before this point in my life, I never really cared about socializing. My family was always the biggest part of my life; but, now the girls have grown up and moved on, my siblings are all becoming more distant and I am becoming housebound {for a variety of reasons}

6. I am crazy - Yep, Yep I am:D I accept that I have many mental health issues. They make life challenging and interesting. Sure, I would like to "get better" and often feel that is not possible; but, on days like today - I love who I am even with the "issues" I have:D

7. I am an open person - I love to share what I know, what I think and what I have experienced. I don't care if some people don't like it. It is who I am!

8 I am honest - I try to be 100% honest with others. Sometimes I have failed to be honest but it is because I was worried or scared of what others thought. Also, I will lie to save someones feelings - won't intentionally hurt people. Honesty is a trait I admire in others. Dishonesty is something that is likely to drive me to do "crazy" things.

9. I am disabled - Though my disabilities are not "visible" to most people they are present and at times overwhelming. Still, I am still alive and kicking. I can still function, although at times I don't feel like it.

10. I am obese - By definition an obese person is someone who is more than 100 lbs overweight. I am. I have lost and gained weight numerous times since having my children. I do worry a little about my weight and sometimes let it define me; but, mostly I don't dwell on it - that would be too depressing. I do hate when family or friends try to "joke" about it or "advise" me about it.

I Believe:

I believe peoples actions speak louder than their words.
I believe that when some people are caught in a lie or lies they often attack another person to cover up the truth.
I believe most people make mistakes.
I believe in giving everyone as many chances as they need to be a friend.
I believe "forgiveness" is up to God, not me.
I believe "you can't judge a book by it's cover" and you shouldn't judge a person by how they look.
I believe true friends will stick by you no matter how crazy your actions may appear at times.
I believe I do have some very good friends, true friends on a certain social network.

Gone But Not Forgotten!

My dad, passed away in 2000, gone but definitely not forgotten. Still see his face in crowds or other men. Still think about him all the time. Still miss him terribly. Still cry over him sometimes:(

How can you miss someone you barely knew? Someone who wouldn't let you in? How can you still care for someone who hurt you deeply?

My dad was a very private and troubled man. He barely shared his life with me; but for all that he was still my dad and I loved him or who I knew him to be. I loved playing cards and games with him. I loved our rare but open chats.I loved the way it felt on the rare occasions he would hug me. I never took the chance to say so many things I wanted to say to him, always thought it was the wrong time and now will never get the chance.

Caring for emotionally distant or withdrawn people can really hurt; but, it is something I always have a tendency to do. Maybe because of my father, maybe because they remind me of myself. For many years of my life, I lived inside of myself only. Not allowing myself to feel anything. Not allowing myself to express anything. Sometimes I think it might be better that way; but then someone comes along who makes me smile or "hugs" my heart and I know it isn't.

Sure there are many, many tears and a lot of heartache in this world, especially mine; but when I shut down emotionally I also stop feeling the positive things. Things like love, joy and hope. A few moments now and then of someone actually caring for me can remind me how much the pain is worth!

Dedicated to my dad, Albert Lenard Abbott.

My Father!

Born in April 1933 and passed away inJanuary 2000.
How many children does he really have?
I know of the 7 with my mother and 3 with a common-law; but, am not sure if he has more out there that we do not know about or he did not know about.

I didn't know much about his work.
Only that he worked as an Estimator( a lot of mathmatics involved) in the woodworking business while I was growing up.
He was a handyman around the house and for his friends.
In his last few years he worked a trap-line and rented boats at a lake.

He coached baseball and hockey when I was growing up.
He refereed a few hockey games as well.
He played hockey, curling, baseball and golf.
He loved puzzles, especially Cryptograms.

My father(dad) was a mystery to me most of the time.
He was not a very open person unless he was drinking.
Even when he was drinking he rarely talked about himself, his youth or his family and friends.

Trying to remember a time my dad did not drink but the only memories that come are the trip to Jasper, wiener roasts and Christmas times when I was young.
He was a partier in my early years and an abusive drunk when I was younger and he was with my mother.
When I started having children is about the time he became a 'depressed' drinker.Meaning he often just got melancholy and maybe even cried a few times.
Since I was about 18, I do not remember a time when he was not drinking when I would see him.
So it's safe to say he was an alcoholic. My brother would say "He was not an alcoholic but a drunk because alcoholics go to meetings and dad never did."
Dad often said the only time he would quit drinking is when he died!
He was cremated and I put a couple of his bone chips in a liquor bottle that had a few drops of Rye in it. They absorbed the rye. Guess he was drinking even after he died.LOL

I know he loved playing cards and taught all his kids and most of his grandkids how to play many, many card games.
He also loved the game Risk and would play with his kids or anyone who wanted to.
Dad did not believe in letting someone win and if he ever let his kids win he must have been good at hiding it.
Whenever we got together as a 'family', we would play cards or Risk and alcohol was always present.
These memories of all these card games are very precious to me as they are my main memories of happy times with Dad.

The last time he spent time with all his children was Christmas season of 1999.
He knew he was dying and wasn't sure how much longer he would be around.
I don't think he knew he would not make it to another summer because he told my girls that they could spend time with him in the summer of 2000.
He never made it through that winter:(

My final memory of my dad is bitter sweet.
He came to my place just after New Years of 2000.
Sat and had a coffee or 2 and spent a little time talking with my girls.
He seemed reluctant to leave and I often think I should have asked him to stay and play a few card games; but I was preoccupied with other tasks (something I regret to this day).
When He was leaving, he hugged me and my girls and made sure he gave us all a hug - giving me 2.
He was having some chest pain and I was worried about him.
He promised he was going to see the doctor.
I said to him, as he went to get in his truck , " Don't you go and die on me old man".
He gave a sad smile back and said "I won't!"
These were our last words to each other.
They still make me bawl:(

The last few Christmas times have been a little hard.
We always use to play card games but now it seems no one really gets into them anymore.
They remind us all of my dad.
Though that can be sad, it is also a good way to remember and honor him!
He would not like it if he knew we did not play cards as much anymore.
I think that would make him sad.

A History - Part 1

My life in a nutshell:

First memories are of our small farmhouse near Gunn.
Warm, happy, crowded,busy.
Remember my mom baking bread in the wood stove and smiling.
Remember My brother always falling in the root cellar when the trap door was open.
Remember the smell of the root cellar being moldy,musty and yet inviting.
Remember waking up in the winter to ice on the floor of what was our bedroom.
Our being my 6 siblings and I.
Remember sharing a king size bed with 2 brothers and my sister.
Crowded by comforting!
Remember my mom saying the place was built from 2 chicken coops pushed up to the existing structure to make the bedrooms.
Remember the pot bellied stove for heat:)
Remember some parties my parent's use to have.
Remember my Uncle Joe breaking my favorite stool when he was drunk.
Remember I wanted to be around the adults and older kids a lot.
Then remember the day it went all to hell!

The Day!
I guess I was about 4 or 5 years old - don't know for sure.
I wanted to see what the older boys were up to in the barn - even though I was not suppose to go up there.
I tried sneaking up to the hayloft but guess I wasn't quiet enough.
My brother must have heard me because he convinced me to come closer.
There were 5 boys in the hayloft - 2 brothers and 3 cousins.
They were looking at porn magazines my dad had.
They told me this is what mommies and daddies do when they love each other.
Then they asked me if I wanted to be a good mommy.
I did I told them!
They said I needed to know how to do what was in the books.
Then they took turns....
I try not to remember anymore details but sometimes am unsuccessful!
All I remember for sure is those images in front of me on the hay bale.
Kneeling or bending over a hay bale and pain!
I remember shutting down all feeling and wishing myself somewhere else!
I remember being told I could not tell mom or anyone as I was not suppose to be in the barn.
I hid for a while in the bushes and cried until I couldnot cry anymore and then promised myself I would never cry again!

Finding Ways To Make It Through Depressions

As most know I suffer from 2 different types of Depression, Seasonal and Chronic.

Seasonal Depression: Ways I am using to get through
My SADS usually starts kicking in sometime in October and lasts until May, oh the "lovely" Albertan Winter - not! In the past, I noticed my Seasonal Depression getting worse and worse each winter. Now, perhaps that was partly due to some of the crap going on; but, even with support from friends I was losing my mind. After losing it totally and doing some major "soul searching", I decided that there were changes I absolutely had to make!

The major change was to start focusing on the positive people and things in my life, no matter how small the positive or how far away the person. I needed to wake up and realize how many truly great friends I have and how some people are just not worth the effort/pain.It does not mean I care "less" but that I need to put that caring behind a wall for now and maybe forever in some cases!
Since Christmas, and the resulting talk with my daughter Christina that awakened a necessity for change in my thinking, things have been improving! January and February are usually the worst months for me; however, this year I have had days of struggle and "hibernation" but they are not as many or as frequent. I think part of it is the new attitude and part is the solar lamp therapy. I got to say my family has played a large part in opening my eyes and helping me through and so have some of my friends!
I have also found a "new" interest and have put some of my attention there instead of in the "wrong" type of "reaching out"! No, it is not a person, as I am not now or never have I been seeking any relationship but friendship! Relationships are just too messy and complicated, especially when one struggles with Mental Health issues as I do {sadly, sometimes I think that even applies to friendship}.

Chronic Depression: Ways I am using to get through

Trying different herbal supplements! I think the key to that is just finding the right combinations that work for me.
"Choosing to be happy" ~ Still don't think I can do that but focusing more on the positive or even just mundane and a lot less on the negative.
Still working through issues that come up due to past events. Mostly not writing about them, except on a "private" blog.

Trying to keep the most negative thoughts cordoned off and separated from the main. That is, the other parts are dealing with a lot of it or I write it out in private blog. NO feedback but no grief from anyone either and no paranoia that it is misunderstood and used against me by anyone!

Think the biggest step has been the acceptance of the parts and allowing them their own freedoms. Gradually working on learning to deal with some of the issues that they have  is helping to keep them in the background.

Anxiety

I have reverted many of my past posts to drafts as the anxiety of them being public has been overwhelming me lately. I feel like few, possibly no one, could understand what many of them are about. I feel like I am being judged and sentenced based on past events and gossip and the past posts are being used as "evidence".
Now, I understand most of this may just be from my paranoia; but, I must do what makes "me" feel comfortable.
I'm experiencing a lot of anxiety over my Facebook "friends" and how I may be perceived. Thus, I will also be going through my notes on Facebook and removing many. It's not like anyone reads them anymore anyways.
Mostly, I've just been fighting anxiety and paranoia for the past week or so and not talked to anyone about it. I am afraid to, of course. Afraid of being judged and deleted/ignored.
I really wish there were some way to get over these feelings!

Being Strong?

People always say to me that I am strong. I have a hard time seeing that. I know that I have survived a lot of things; but, there are many scars I never let show. Scars that tear me apart at times.For me the real strength comes from God and from support received from friends and family. It is something deep within and hard to recognize.

I have struggled through many things in my life. I know I could not have survived without the support I have received. Sometimes I wonder if surviving is such a great thing and wish I felt that I was living more than just surviving.

When I was raising my children, the support I received from family helped me make it through many rough spots. Friends helped me focus not on myself, but on life as a whole. Through a few community programs I found ways to connect with others, get a break from my children when I needed it and feel less guilty about the mistakes I made. I found a few really good friends through these programs; but, unfortunately, have lost touch with most of them.
I have now retreated from life as a whole. I feel like the choice to retreat is one that is causing me a great deal of pain; but, at the same time, it is allowing me to see deeper inside myself than I have before. Unfortunately, there are some things which I need to work on more.

Socializing is one of them. I don't understand people and never have. I continue to alienate others and push them away. I think that it is my way of protecting myself. Recent events have reminded me of how painful it is to try and connect and how I just can't seem to understand others or get them to understand me. It's so much easier to just shut down- be silent and withdraw. Sometimes it seems that dying could be the answer.

Hello Out There!

Haven't been writing much since I've moved to Smith. Several reasons for that: At first I did not have affordable Internet and I was suffering anxiety over certain people being able to view this blog. Then it was just the anxiety. As well, since moving here I have a ton less stress and the depression is not as severe.
I'm just writing this to see if anyone, and I mean ANYONE, is still reading these blogs. Well are you?

My insanity of the past, because some things I wrote and did were definitely insane, is not so much an embarrassment to me as a regret that can never be fixed. Although I have nothing other than forgiveness to those who triggered the worst episode of insanity in my life, thus far, I know many of those that I harmed during those years could/would never be able to forgive me and that is OK.

I guess I have come to accept the fact that I can not be considered trust worthy, because there is so much wrong with this brain of mine and there are times I lose control and do/ say things that are better off being kept inside. That said, there are some who have come to accept me for who I am and are willing to overlook those unacceptable things I have done/said. To those, I am very grateful and feel it is not "fair" to keep hiding for the sake of a few.

So, if anyone would like to read my thoughts and opinions on any subject, please feel free to comment and ask me!

Responsibility

For far too many years I have taken on more responsibility in relationships than is necessary or even wise. What I am writing about is my tendency to take on responsibility for how others perceive what I write, say or do. This is mainly because growing up I was taught to "read" other people and respond in the manner I thought would please those people. In other words "pretend to be what others want and not what you want", so as not to upset/hurt or anger the other people. Taking on responsibility for other people's feelings is kind of "ridiculous" and impossible; but, it was the way I was raised and the way I always expected others to think/behave. Now, many of you might think the whole thing is ridiculous and egotistical and you would be right..... to a point.

If the majority of people would consider how what they say,do or write affected other people and treat those others the way they want to be treated I believe we would have a whole lot less pain and fighting in this world. Unfortunately, the current way of thinking is to do,write or say whatever a person wants with little consideration of how it affects others. I see the sense in it, to a point but find it hard to adopt for myself.

That said, I have decided that I do take on too much responsibility in this area and need to change  - especially in regards to "friends", acquaintances and strangers. Keeping myself bottled up and pretending to be what others want has led to me being in a lot of pain, both emotional and physical. It has also led to a point where I no longer even know who I am or what I want. Mostly it has led to a division in my psyche.... ie: the others{see previous blogs}.

I guess I just believe that at 51 years of age I deserve to be myself, even if it means loosing friends or acquaintances and scaring strangers off! So, it is time for me to stop being so damn ridiculous and egotistical and let go of some of the responsibility. That does not mean turning into a self centered, "me only" person; but, just not over-reacting or beating myself up emotionally/mentally for how other people react to me.

I have never intentionally hurt others but have always felt it was my fault even when they misunderstood something I wrote, said or did. This is what has to stop when it comes to anyone outside the family or close friends.  So, no more apologizing for others not understanding me or taking things the wrong way! No more explaining without being asked! No more "pretending" to be someone other than me!

Of course this does not apply to family! Though I do know who in the family can handle the truth and who can not.

Coping or Not

While reading an article about coping strategies, I realized that I have not developed many over the years. Those I have developed are not always the healthiest or wisest. For instance, I have developed a nasty habit of hurting myself, whether physically or emotionally, whenever I feel overwhelmed.

I use to like to go for walks when I felt "stressed out" or depressed but, now, my health does not always allow that. The arthritis in my hips, knees and ankles makes walking more than a few city blocks so painful that it becomes a futile activity to battle the stress or depression. Though I still make sure I walk, at least to mom`s, every day.  However, being out of the city has helped and just going outside and looking at nature helps too.

Mostly, I  tend to snack, smoke or drink too much pop to try and cope. I use to drink alcohol but have pretty much given that up since moving out here. Though the last couple of times I passed the liquor store I thought about going in and buying something to drink. The main reason I don`t is my health. Doctor`s insist I quit smoking but I just don`t know what I would do instead...... probably eat myself to oblivion:-(

Writing thoughts out on this blog has helped me through some really bad times, even if they have been misunderstood and used as weapons against me. Mostly, I find that those few who do bother to read the whole blog tend to try and understand or at least remain quiet if they don`t; but, I wish people would ask if they don`t understand or think I`m being particularly nasty towards them.I've only been truly nasty in a few blogs, which I deleted pretty soon after writing them and then it wasn't always me (per se) but another "part" of the persons that make up Dot. Still fear and hurt have kept me from writing quite a bit lately and some of my deeper thoughts.

It's not that I haven't tried other coping methods, I have. I've tried deep breathing, exercise, relaxation techniques and a few other things I've learned through therapy or groups but I just never felt any benefit from them.I've also tried herbal remedies, vitamin therapies, light therapy and drugs but, unfortunately, nothing seems to help too much during my worst times.

A doctor prescribed vitamin B12 shots due to my bodies inability to get it from food or pills, that has helped with the depression over the past year or so. Unfortunately, I still have not found a decent doping strategy for the anxiety and paranoia. Though, I am getting better at ignoring the paranoia. As well, I have found that in the past year there has been less appearance of the "others", this may be due to my being less stressed and/or the disappearance of certain people from my life. It may also be due to an understanding we have seemed to come to between ourselves. Mostly, they are no longer allowed out during computer time!

Some More Crap (?) About Me

Not sure anyone cares or wants to know, besides my daughter(maybe), but thought I`d share a bit more about myself here.

How do I see myself as a person?
First and foremost as a mother of four adult women and granny of three wonderful grandchildren. Then as a daughter of and interesting and popular woman, who is worth every minute I spend helping! Next as a sister of some pretty messed up but not totally worthless, instead interesting and entertaining siblings.
As an individual... I see myself as a pretty messed up person who is just trying to survive this world and do something worthwhile with the stuff I've learned throughout many incidents in life. Yes, screwed up pretty much is my first thought about myself; but, I hope someday I can see past that and glimpse the person that the few friends I've had throughout my life have described to me as me.

My goals in this thing we call life?
Live each day without giving into the pain and insanity.....and that pretty much takes most of my energy and concentration. In fact many times it takes more than I have in me to battle the insanity in this diseased/damaged brain I have { and unfortunately most people can't understand or see past that;-(}.
Help whomever and wherever I can, regardless of the emotional pain that sometimes leads me into.
Care about family and friends and try to contribute something worthwhile to their lives.
Learn and get to know God.
Survive, survive, survive!

The most important things to me in life?
Family - first and foremost I've always felt that family is the best people in my life and are the most important people to help and satisfy.
Teaching - whoever wants to learn whatever I know. All you have to do is ask!
               - children that every person can care and treat them with respect and to care about themselves and others!
Learning - everything and anything I can about life, mental illness, native culture, God, God, beliefs of others and thoughts of others.

My biggest failures:
Learning to be a friend!
Socializing!
Forgiving myself!
Sometimes I think as a mother I screwed up quite a bit; but I can't say I failed as my girls are alive and doing pretty good for themselves and others.

My thoughts on friendship:
Though I have posted many, many notes, on FB, and blogs, on here, I've never really taken the time to write about the people I would like to be friends with. These people are those who can care about someone besides themselves,; those who are patient, understanding, forgiving and can overlook eccentricities {craziness}! Also, I would like to meet those who actually wish to take the time to converse once in a while without me having to initiate it.
Mostly, I need friends who understand that I am NOT a mind reader and not  very good at the whole social interaction continuum.

Any questions for me feel free to message me on FB or through this blog!

Gardening

One of my favorite things to do, that always makes me feel "happy" is putzing around in the garden, be it vegetables of flowers. For some reason, probably harking back to childhood, I find getting down and getting my hand in the dirt very peaceful. One of the main reasons I moved out here when I did was to help my mom with the garden. Having a hand in growing things is satisfying, probably why I had four kids, and harvesting and canning /freezing gives me just as much pleasure. Now if only my body would allow me to do more!

Growing up we had two gardens, one for most vegetables and the other for mainly potatoes. Everyone pretty much helped clean out the gardens from rocks, some were actually boulders, and plant/weed/harvest. Some of my favorite memories revolve around our gardens and the time spent helping out.

I think getting to "play" in the dirt somehow satisfies the little kid in me because growing up we didn't have any sandboxes or playground near the farm. Our playground was the farm and our "sandboxes" were the gardens. Here in Smith, which is build on top of mainly sand, it feels like you're playing in a huge sandbox when gardening.

Random Thoughts On People

A) I am not a "people person"...... Most of my life the only people I've interacted with on a deeper level have been family. The exception being those few{Okay, more than a few} people I had sexual relationships with and not even most of those.

B) I think most people are not worth getting to know because most people are not trustworthy........ Yep, I know I have trust issues and why the H not, after all most people I trusted with anything in my life threw it back in my face or back stabbed me! I've been hurt far, far too many times to ever fully trust anyone, ever!!!

C) People who jump from relationship to relationship baffle me..............  I guess that is why I don't believe in "love". Too many people I've known do this. Some have children with multiple partners and think that's "normal". It's the children I really feel sorry for because in the long run their the ones who suffer and are never sure just what their parent considers "love".{ BTW, I have known many family members to be this way and more than a few "friends"}

D) Your "Average Joe" is pretty dumb, slow,and self-centered.......I find most people like to "chat" and it's usually about nothing very cerebral but little inane things that are totally boring and uninteresting to me. Even when it is interesting, I never find I have to add anything to what's said. Guess that's why I am not a "chatter" but can be a dang good listener.

E) People seem to think healthy "self esteem" means not giving a damn about anyone else but being self centered and self absorbed........  Very few people in this world care how their actions and words affect others or make others feel. Some use the excuse "I'm not responsible for anyone else's feeling" as what I consider a cop out to be selfish.

Generally, I've gone back to wanting to shut down and just become a "pretender" again...... It's easier for me to become what I see others want me to be than trying to be myself; whoever "myself" is!

This was written and post a while ago but re-posting because it pretty much summarizes my views on people in general. However, at the present time I am trying to fight withdrawing because it does not help with the depression I suffer. Though I rarely "talk" to anyone other than family, even on Facebook!