Gone But Not Forgotten!

My dad, passed away in 2000, gone but definitely not forgotten. Still see his face in crowds or other men. Still think about him all the time. Still miss him terribly. Still cry over him sometimes:(

How can you miss someone you barely knew? Someone who wouldn't let you in? How can you still care for someone who hurt you deeply?

My dad was a very private and troubled man. He barely shared his life with me; but for all that he was still my dad and I loved him or who I knew him to be. I loved playing cards and games with him. I loved our rare but open chats.I loved the way it felt on the rare occasions he would hug me. I never took the chance to say so many things I wanted to say to him, always thought it was the wrong time and now will never get the chance.

Caring for emotionally distant or withdrawn people can really hurt; but, it is something I always have a tendency to do. Maybe because of my father, maybe because they remind me of myself. For many years of my life, I lived inside of myself only. Not allowing myself to feel anything. Not allowing myself to express anything. Sometimes I think it might be better that way; but then someone comes along who makes me smile or "hugs" my heart and I know it isn't.

Sure there are many, many tears and a lot of heartache in this world, especially mine; but when I shut down emotionally I also stop feeling the positive things. Things like love, joy and hope. A few moments now and then of someone actually caring for me can remind me how much the pain is worth!

Dedicated to my dad, Albert Lenard Abbott.