July 20 2014

Been a long time since I posted here. Had a rough day today and even thought about suicide. Unfortunately or perhaps fortunately, I am a coward, meaning I'm afraid, when it comes to dying. My biggest fear is attempting suicide and failing and being forced to live an even worse life than I am today.
Today was bad for several reasons.
1: I have been in pain all day as I was trying to avoid taking any painkillers. I hate taking pills and the painkillers make me tired. Since I am already tired all the time from the Fibromyalgia and fighting the pain, I don't need anything else to add to my exhaustion.

2: My mother. She has a way of triggering negative thoughts and emotions in me. I feel I have to go over to her place and work as I owe her a lot of money and it's one way of paying some of it back. I love the lady but sometimes she seems to be able to misunderstand everything I say and twist things around until I don't know whether I'm coming or going.

3: My youngest is in Canada for the first time in 2 or 3 years. I was unable to meet her when she arrived and will probably not get to see much of her while she is in Edmonton. She doesn't understand that I just want to be as close to her as possible for as long as I can while she is here. I know I will get to spend some time with her but it doesn't seem like it will be enough to carry me through 3 or more years.

4: My daughter Amanda. Plans were that she would be visiting from the 19th until the 24th of July and then we would go spend time with her sisters. She changed plans, without saying why, so now she will be here - at my mom's- from the 22nd until the 24th. She actually did not want to spend her birthday with her sisters and me. I don't know why but she gave some speech to my mom that makes mom think she's afraid we will borrow money off of her. Seems she doesn't really want anything to do with me. She is only coming up here because my mom lives here.

5: My daughters' choice of significant others. None of them like me or can even tolerate me it seems. Most of them dislike that I am a terrible housekeeper and don't understand either my physical limitations or my mental health problems. They want nothing to do with me and try to keep my daughters away from me, like I will poison my daughters by association. None of them understands my need to be close to my girls and in contact with them. Damn I'm an overprotective mother.

Mostly things just got too much and I wanted someone in my family to actually care about me. Instead I got a message to keep things private and shut the hell up.  I'm suppose to do all the contacting and keeping things up. I think that sucks but then that's the way of the world now. Today's message is nobody cares for anyone but themselves any more! The world has become a selfish place where I no longer belong but then I never did belong!