Being Strong?

People always say to me that I am strong. I have a hard time seeing that. I know that I have survived a lot of things; but, there are many scars I never let show. Scars that tear me apart at times.For me the real strength comes from God and from support received from friends and family. It is something deep within and hard to recognize.

I have struggled through many things in my life. I know I could not have survived without the support I have received. Sometimes I wonder if surviving is such a great thing and wish I felt that I was living more than just surviving.

When I was raising my children, the support I received from family helped me make it through many rough spots. Friends helped me focus not on myself, but on life as a whole. Through a few community programs I found ways to connect with others, get a break from my children when I needed it and feel less guilty about the mistakes I made. I found a few really good friends through these programs; but, unfortunately, have lost touch with most of them.
I have now retreated from life as a whole. I feel like the choice to retreat is one that is causing me a great deal of pain; but, at the same time, it is allowing me to see deeper inside myself than I have before. Unfortunately, there are some things which I need to work on more.

Socializing is one of them. I don't understand people and never have. I continue to alienate others and push them away. I think that it is my way of protecting myself. Recent events have reminded me of how painful it is to try and connect and how I just can't seem to understand others or get them to understand me. It's so much easier to just shut down- be silent and withdraw. Sometimes it seems that dying could be the answer.