Embarrassment

Today my 26 year old daughter told me not to comment on any of her posts because it embarrasses her. I will honor that request, though I still say I don't truly understand it. I do understand that it is a boundary she has set. I  have not been embarrassed by my mother since I was a teenager. In fact the only thing that ever embarrasses me is compliments and praise; probably because I don't feel I deserve them. Yes, I know "kids" are embarrassed by their parents quite often but I never really thought of a mature adult being embarrassed by a average parent. I have been embarrassed of my father when he was alive, always due to his drinking. That was only on a rare occasion when my kids were aware of the drinking.

 I know I am by no means an average person but mostly I reserve my craziness and peculiarities to myself now. I don't even trust family to understand or be tolerant any more. Other than inappropriate discussions about sexual matters, this is the first time one of my girls has said I embarrass them. I assumed they were embarrassed by my physical appearance when they were teenagers, one of the reasons I did not attend school functions. I assumed this because I was and still am very uncomfortable with my physical appearance. I have never thought of my self as pretty or beautiful and don't believe others when they say it. In fact someone calling me that does trigger embarrassment on my part, if not a thought that they need glasses.

I know I get embarrassed because most of the time I wish I was invisible and when someone compliments me or praises something I've done it makes me feel "singled out". I know some will not believe this but I really do NOT like being noticed or getting attention. Although, I guess a few of the "others", who share this body, may. Even the realization that the "others" may is embarrassing to me.

I am not really sure when I developed the desire to be invisible. Probably when I was young and wanted to be around the grownups when they talked, when my parents use to hold parties. I often would hide under the table or behind the couch just to listen in. Whenever my mother caught me there I was sent away, either outside or to bed.

So, if I want to be invisible why a blog? One because I hope others out there will know they are not alone or may let me know I am not alone. Two, because it is someplace to write things down and not lose them. Three, it gives those who want a chance to know the real me a place to do that.