I write about depression and negative thoughts because that is who I am!
It's January of a new year and to me the thought of the world ending in 2012 is actually fine. I am fighting another depressive episode, as I do every winter. Winter here is too long! Winter is often from Oct to May. You would think I would move but the thing is I could never afford to. I got a "solar glow" lamp for Christmas and still have not plugged it in. Mostly I have been sleeping for a few hours, waking up, going on FB for an hour or two and then going back to sleep. Sleep is the one method I have to escape but even there the dreams can get so depressing they wake me up.
My writing has been sporadic and negative. This is a reflection of my thoughts. I am not even sure I am making much sense, here or on any of my blogs.
Sure, I can pretend to be happy and upbeat but I got tired of that a few years ago! It takes an enormous amount of energy and a desire to please others that I no longer have. I think I do want to please others, it's just I keep wondering "what's the point?". I mean - very few out there care what I am doing or what I think and those who do understand what I am going through.
Pretending is something I decided to stop doing after I had my stroke - which scared me to think I was so close to dying and hadn't even got to know myself or let anyone know me. If I died the person that would be remembered was not me but just who everyone wanted me to be. Doesn't everyone have a deep desire to be remembered for them self? Perhaps not but I do! I would much rather be hated and rejected for who I am than for who others think I am!
I am a depressed, negative person most of the year!
I am a caring individual who takes time to listen to friends and respond!
I am a prolific writer who uses it as a tool to change and grow 75% of the time and just release crappy thoughts 23% of the time!
I am a survivor! I have survived many things, some I have shared, some I have not!
I am sensitive, paranoid, mentally ill, physically ill, obese and yet somehow always caring, sharing and helping where I can!
I do take things too personal, that is just who I am!
It is my goal to become a better human being, mother and grandparent. A goal I hope to achieve without pretending!
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1 comment:
I love reading your writings dot.i too am very negative although most times i am told i have a very bad attitude.i don't think the two are the same.i'm not even sure the negative is bad,i just think it comes from events in my life.so maybe it isn't negativity with me maybe it is reality,i see things for what they really are.i don't give 2 shits what people think about me and my negativity/bad attitude,never have, never will! my friends know me and accept me for who i am not for the way i am.i am a very caring loving person but only to those that i feel deserve it.sometimes i wonder if i had of been a harsh bitch more than i can be if somethings in my life would have been different,just like i wonder if i pretended to be this nice person my whole life would things have been different along the way.truth is i really don't care.i give the world the real me and they can choose to like me or not.very often i will say to jeff,IDGAF! and he always says i know you don't.i am loved for being who i want to be not for what others want to see!thats me,i value a true friendship and if someone messes up i omit them from my life.the way i see it,life goes on,they will get over it and if not oh well!
much love and big huggs
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