Depression

Depression, pretty much defines my life from the age of 6, is a mental illness and not just a feeling of sadness. Too many people think because they have gone through tough times in their life when they have been down and sad that they know what Depression is and how to "get over it". However, I find the only people who truly understand what Depression is like are those who battle it.

Depression is not the same for everyone! There are similar symptoms but the thoughts and depth of Depression differ from person to person. Right now for me the "lack" of feeling is just as horrible as when I feel like crying all the time.It feels like there is a huge hole inside of me and it's trying to swallow me up. A nothingness, with no reason and no way to combat the feeling. It hurts, not just mentally but physically. There is no way to truly convey the feeling unless you've been there. There is also no way to ask for help because no one truly understands how I feel. Besides, I've given up reaching out, it just leads to misunderstandings and more pain!

I've battled feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, sadness, lethargy, and all the rest most of my life. In truth I don't know what it is like not to be Depressed. That's not to say there have not been good days in my life. In my worst hours I cling to those days.The birth of my daughters, raising them and the special girls they were/are, holding my grandchildren, graduating (albeit late) and a few others memories are all that keep me going some days.
Still on days like today, I wish I could go back to that non-caring, non-feeling person I was throughout my teenage years and early twenties. Even that was better than feeling like I'm disappearing and like I'll never be happy again.

I've posted a lot about Depression in the past and continue to post quotes about it on Facebook. Those quotes are ones I feel say a little of how I think and feel, most days. So, I won't go into too much more about it now.

So, what tipped the "scale" today? Thinking about old shit, thinking about misunderstanding by people who are suppose to be my "support", thinking about a bleak future of loneliness and physical inability, etc. Mostly it's the thoughts that I'd rather just sleep than do anything else and then the lack of any decent sleep even when I try.

If anyone can understand any of this I would appreciate a comment.