Latest Happenings

Been a long time since I posted here. Pretty sure no one is actually reading my posts anymore. Which is OK because it gives me freedom to write whatever I truly think.

 I've started counselling again. This past winter I had the worst depression in 13 years. The last time I felt this bad was when my dad died. Even the depression I went through when all the shit with Tony happened wasn't this bad. Thing is I don't even know why I've slipped so far backwards.  Think it's family issues mainly.

Living in Smith means dealing a lot more with family, especially my mom, whom I can't be myself with. She has no clue who I am and everything I've tried to share with her she does not truly understand or thinks there is an easy fix.

Truth is I don't really like myself and never really have. Some of the others do but that's a whole different ball game. I, meaning Dot, have managed to gain control over the others and mostly they just yak in my head now.I think the stress of living in the city with my daughter and all the crap that was happening with Tony tipped me over the edge those years ago when the others started taking control at times. Smith is a lot less stressful. Though I pretty much let Dorothy handle mom. She is the big People Pleaser and more able to be what mom wants.

As for counselling, I just started so really have not reached any conclusions yet. I do like the counsellor and the psychiatrist out here. The only issues we have discussed are my issues with mom and a little about the others. I have been given a huge increase in my medication though. I just find it makes me sleepy now.

Social phobia is still very much full blown and worse since the Tony shit. I've shut down a lot of sharing and don't really exchange messages with anyone. Sticking to quotes mainly for status.Of course, in Smith, there is really no social activities that I go to and even when I have I talk  to no one. Keeping all my thoughts bottled up may have contributed to the latest depression. I just have too much anxiety over what happened to ever reach out again!

I don't think counselling will really help me on that point. I learned from Tony that you really can't trust anyone. They will always jump to their own conclusions and twist anything you say into whatever they need to to justify their own actions.That's the main reason I've never really liked people. I hate it when you try to be nice to someone and get turned into a villain. People who say one thing to a person and another to other people really need more help than I do; but, that's a whole other topic.

Besides counselling, my doctor finally gave me a painkiller that works, Oxyneo, a time release form of Oxycontin  Although he keeps worrying that I'm going to sell them or overdose. Neither of which will  happen. I have more sense than to mix alcohol with it or take more than I need, besides all it does is make me sleepy if I take too much.

I've managed to lose weight, down to 215 lbs now. I am going to keep working on it until I get down to 145 lbs which is my target weight.Although right now I'd be extremely happy to get under 200! I haven't been under that since I started having kids. I started working on the weight loss more seriously because the doctors would not look at my other ailments, preferring to blame everything on my weight. However, I will keep working on it for myself, not for anyone else; but, because I hate being this large.

Still no interest in getting into a relationship with anyone. Haven't been interested in that since my marriage failed. Though the marriage failed due to both of us having past issues, I have not been able to deal with all my issues enough to consider ever mixing in someone else's issues. Relationships are off the table and have been for over 30 years! Truthfully, I can't even manage friendships due to the Social phobia and all the misunderstandings that took place with people on Facebook. Will I ever be able to have a friendship?

Anxiety and paranoia are obviously still high on my list of things to deal with.  Although I've made no effort to contact anyone from the past and will not, I still think about all the shit that happened and all the nasty things that were said about me and worry about if it's still happening.  However, I, at least, hold no grudges and forgave everyone for what happened, just haven't been able to let go as much as I would like. Would love to forget it all but it taught me many lessons about dealing with others. The main lesson being don't even try!

Sometimes think it would be much better if I could completely shut down again; but, then I remember I didn't enjoy a lot of things then either. Would miss enjoying time with my kids and grandkids if I fully shut down. Although I am trying to learn to shut out other people and just not give a damn about what anyone else thinks, excluding family, I haven't quite got the hang of it yet.

Anyways, besides putting in the garden and taking care of it for mom, I pretty much stick to being by myself. I don't get to see my girls that often, no where near as often as I would like. Haven't seen my grandkids in over a year and that makes me very sad. I can't afford to travel and they can't travel here that much. There is only one bus that comes near Smith and the ones that drive or fly can't really afford to visit. Miss them a lot!

Seems like most of my life is spent alone now or hiding who I am. It's a shame because I think I do have insight to offer others but just don't have the courage or strength to do it anymore.In effect, I've let one person ruin my life and rob others of what I have to offer. Tony, I hope you're proud of what you accomplished!


LATER
I've been thinking about it and I think I've given Tony too much credit. Truly all he did was remind me of a lot of shit I already knew but chose to overlook. My life hasn't been totally ruined either. Just had a lot of things triggered, that Tony couldn't possibly known about, because I have not shared everything with people. I shared a lot but there is some things that are still too painful to share. Although the crap with Tony has changed how I act on Facebook and even in social situations, it has been my choice to change. I just need to find the strength to get over it and possibly the courage to open up again. However, I don't trust my own judgement when it comes to other people, especially on the Internet. Guess you could say I've been stung too many times.