My Strength?

Everyone always says to me " You are a strong person. Just look at how far you've come and you're strength is speaking out."  The truth is I don't see that strength or feel it, one little bit.

Inside I am just a frightened, weak, little girl. A girl who wants to be accepted and understood for who she is. A girl who cries several times daily and can't even get through writing anything without tears. A girl who desperately wants to grow up but doesn't know how to.

Any strength others see in my comes from years of feeling alone, years of  therapy and the strength of the God. In fact if it wasn't for the knowledge that there are many like myself out there suffering and struggling alone and my desire to let them know they are NOT alone, I might never have shared anything! For I know that terrible feeling that no one will ever understand, no one will ever accept and no one could possibly care for me. On my worst days that is exactly how I feel!

The only reasons I ever even started to try to deal with the past and do more than survive are my four wonderful, patient daughters! Who in all honest deserve/d a much better mother! However, they do always make me feel as if I was/am blessed.... for they survived me and still blossomed into wonderful women. 

Truthfully, if I did not believe in God, I would probably have ended my life many, many, years ago! The only purpose I see for my still being alive is to help others and that is why I do what I do, that is why I keep living {even when I don't want to at times}. Perhaps, in some way, that is why I had to go through all the crap in life I have and why I battle mental illness. At least those thoughts give me an answer I can live with.

So, any strength others see in my writings or in me is certainly not felt by the inner person. That should tell you if you battle the way I do that you have strength too! And it is your strength that keeps me going at times. For that I Thank You!!!!!