Lessons From My Life

I hate when I get the courage to be honest with someone only to have them misinterpret what I have said and throw it back in my face over and over! Guess by now I should have learned that, even when you think you can be honest with someone, they may not understand or be capable of understanding what you said.

Lesson: Honesty does not always pay!!!!!!!!!

I have been through a lot of , excuse the expression, shit during my 49 years of life and personally think I will go through a lot more before I die. Sexual assault, Molestation, Rape, Physical Abuse, Mental Abuse, Financial Abuse, Mental Illness, Addictions galore, Poverty and many, many Rejections are just some of the things I have shared or will eventually share. That does not include everything; but, there are things I just can't trust myself to write about or others to understand.

Lesson: If I am meant to survive, I will!

My parenting "style" was basically provide the necessities of life for my kids, teach as much of my knowledge to my kids, Help them get healthy or remain healthy and find someone else to provide what I thought I could not provide. Meaning, attempting to be the best role model I could be and letting my kids know there were other choices for role models if I wouldn't do for them. I still feel as if I failed as a parent; but, my kids still managed to turn out to be decent people.

Lesson: Kids can make the right choices in spite of the type of parenting they receive!

Honestly, I've been a sexual being since I was gang raped as a child. I've always desired that physical contact; sometimes to the point of being an addict. Sure, I went years being celibate, while raising my daughters; but, I had choices and chose not to take them. Also, I did/do use my weight to keep any potential partners away. Still, sex is almost constantly on my mind. I have learned much about sex and shared that knowledge with a few (unfortunately, too much with my girls);but, I often wish I knew others like myself who wouldn't mind discussing the subject. However, just because I'd like to talk about it does not mean I need a sexual relationship with anyone.

Lesson: Sex is a subject that is difficult for many to talk about without acting on it or thinking others want to act on it!

There is a significant amount of Mental Illness within my immediate and extended family. Most of us have no problem acting "crazy" or just giving into the Illness when we want to. The problems arise when we are open and honest about our "lunacy" and others jump to conclusions based on some "silly" behaviour!

Lesson: It's OK to be crazy with family but strangers rarely understand!

There are a lot of things I have learned throughout life that I could share but the truth is I have no idea what others want to read about or hear. That's where my social inadequacy comes in -  I've never managed to "fit in" anywhere in life and feel comfortable enough to be myself.