My dad, passed away in 2000, gone but definitely not forgotten. Still see his face in crowds or other men. Still think about him all the time. Still miss him terribly. Still cry over him sometimes:(
How can you miss someone you barely knew? Someone who wouldn't let you in? How can you still care for someone who hurt you deeply?
My dad was a very private and troubled man. He barely shared his life with me; but for all that he was still my dad and I loved him or who I knew him to be. I loved playing cards and games with him. I loved our rare but open chats.I loved the way it felt on the rare occasions he would hug me. I never took the chance to say so many things I wanted to say to him, always thought it was the wrong time and now will never get the chance.
Caring for emotionally distant or withdrawn people can really hurt; but, it is something I always have a tendency to do. Maybe because of my father, maybe because they remind me of myself. For many years of my life, I lived inside of myself only. Not allowing myself to feel anything. Not allowing myself to express anything. Sometimes I think it might be better that way; but then someone comes along who makes me smile or "hugs" my heart and I know it isn't.
Sure there are many, many tears and a lot of heartache in this world, especially mine; but when I shut down emotionally I also stop feeling the positive things. Things like love, joy and hope. A few moments now and then of someone actually caring for me can remind me how much the pain is worth!
Dedicated to my dad, Albert Lenard Abbott.
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Being Strong?
People always say to me that I am strong. I have a hard time seeing that. I know that I have survived a lot of things; but, there are many scars I never let show. Scars that tear me apart at times.For me the real strength comes from God and from support received from friends and family. It is something deep within and hard to recognize.
I have struggled through many things in my life. I know I could not have survived without the support I have received. Sometimes I wonder if surviving is such a great thing and wish I felt that I was living more than just surviving.
When I was raising my children, the support I received from family helped me make it through many rough spots. Friends helped me focus not on myself, but on life as a whole. Through a few community programs I found ways to connect with others, get a break from my children when I needed it and feel less guilty about the mistakes I made. I found a few really good friends through these programs; but, unfortunately, have lost touch with most of them.
I have now retreated from life as a whole. I feel like the choice to retreat is one that is causing me a great deal of pain; but, at the same time, it is allowing me to see deeper inside myself than I have before. Unfortunately, there are some things which I need to work on more.
Socializing is one of them. I don't understand people and never have. I continue to alienate others and push them away. I think that it is my way of protecting myself. Recent events have reminded me of how painful it is to try and connect and how I just can't seem to understand others or get them to understand me. It's so much easier to just shut down- be silent and withdraw. Sometimes it seems that dying could be the answer.
I have struggled through many things in my life. I know I could not have survived without the support I have received. Sometimes I wonder if surviving is such a great thing and wish I felt that I was living more than just surviving.
When I was raising my children, the support I received from family helped me make it through many rough spots. Friends helped me focus not on myself, but on life as a whole. Through a few community programs I found ways to connect with others, get a break from my children when I needed it and feel less guilty about the mistakes I made. I found a few really good friends through these programs; but, unfortunately, have lost touch with most of them.
I have now retreated from life as a whole. I feel like the choice to retreat is one that is causing me a great deal of pain; but, at the same time, it is allowing me to see deeper inside myself than I have before. Unfortunately, there are some things which I need to work on more.
Socializing is one of them. I don't understand people and never have. I continue to alienate others and push them away. I think that it is my way of protecting myself. Recent events have reminded me of how painful it is to try and connect and how I just can't seem to understand others or get them to understand me. It's so much easier to just shut down- be silent and withdraw. Sometimes it seems that dying could be the answer.
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