A History - Part 1

My life in a nutshell:

First memories are of our small farmhouse near Gunn.
Warm, happy, crowded,busy.
Remember my mom baking bread in the wood stove and smiling.
Remember My brother always falling in the root cellar when the trap door was open.
Remember the smell of the root cellar being moldy,musty and yet inviting.
Remember waking up in the winter to ice on the floor of what was our bedroom.
Our being my 6 siblings and I.
Remember sharing a king size bed with 2 brothers and my sister.
Crowded by comforting!
Remember my mom saying the place was built from 2 chicken coops pushed up to the existing structure to make the bedrooms.
Remember the pot bellied stove for heat:)
Remember some parties my parent's use to have.
Remember my Uncle Joe breaking my favorite stool when he was drunk.
Remember I wanted to be around the adults and older kids a lot.
Then remember the day it went all to hell!

The Day!
I guess I was about 4 or 5 years old - don't know for sure.
I wanted to see what the older boys were up to in the barn - even though I was not suppose to go up there.
I tried sneaking up to the hayloft but guess I wasn't quiet enough.
My brother must have heard me because he convinced me to come closer.
There were 5 boys in the hayloft - 2 brothers and 3 cousins.
They were looking at porn magazines my dad had.
They told me this is what mommies and daddies do when they love each other.
Then they asked me if I wanted to be a good mommy.
I did I told them!
They said I needed to know how to do what was in the books.
Then they took turns....
I try not to remember anymore details but sometimes am unsuccessful!
All I remember for sure is those images in front of me on the hay bale.
Kneeling or bending over a hay bale and pain!
I remember shutting down all feeling and wishing myself somewhere else!
I remember being told I could not tell mom or anyone as I was not suppose to be in the barn.
I hid for a while in the bushes and cried until I couldnot cry anymore and then promised myself I would never cry again!

Finding Ways To Make It Through Depressions

As most know I suffer from 2 different types of Depression, Seasonal and Chronic.

Seasonal Depression: Ways I am using to get through

My SADS usually starts kicking in sometime in October and lasts until May, oh the "lovely" Albertan Winter - not! In the past, I noticed my Seasonal Depression getting worse and worse each winter. Now, perhaps that was partly due to some of the crap going on; but, even with support from friends I was losing my mind. After losing it totally and doing some major "soul searching", I decided that there were changes I absolutely had to make!

The major change was to start focusing on the positive people and things in my life, no matter how small the positive or how far away the person. I needed to wake up and realize how many truly great friends I have and how some people are just not worth the effort/pain.It does not mean I care "less" but that I need to put that caring behind a wall for now and maybe forever in some cases!

Since Christmas, and the resulting talk with my daughter Christina that awakened a necessity for change in my thinking, things have been improving! January and February are usually the worst months for me; however, this year I have had days of struggle and "hibernation" but they are not as many or as frequent. I think part of it is the new attitude and part is the solar lamp therapy. I got to say my family has played a large part in opening my eyes and helping me through and so have some of my friends!

I have also found a "new" interest and have put some of my attention there instead of in the "wrong" type of "reaching out"! No, it is not a person, as I am not now or never have I been seeking any relationship but friendship! Relationships are just too messy and complicated, especially when one struggles with Mental Health issues as I do {sadly, sometimes I think that even applies to friendship}.

Chronic Depression: Ways I am using to get through

Trying different herbal supplements! I think the key to that is just finding the right combinations that work for me.

"Choosing to be happy" ~ Still don't think I can do that but focusing more on the positive or even just mundane and a lot less on the negative.

Still working through issues that come up due to past events. Mostly not writing about them, except on a "private" blog.

Trying to keep the most negative thoughts cordoned off and separated from the main. That is, the other parts are dealing with a lot of it or I write it out in private blog. NO feedback but no grief from anyone either and no paranoia that it is misunderstood and used against me by anyone!

Think the biggest step has been the acceptance of the parts and allowing them their own freedoms. Gradually working on learning to deal with some of the issues that they have  is helping to keep them in the background.

Being Strong?

People always say to me that I am strong. I have a hard time seeing that. I know that I have survived a lot of things; but, there are many scars I never let show. Scars that tear me apart at times.For me the real strength comes from God and from support received from friends and family. It is something deep within and hard to recognize.

I have struggled through many things in my life. I know I could not have survived without the support I have received. Sometimes I wonder if surviving is such a great thing and wish I felt that I was living more than just surviving.

When I was raising my children, the support I received from family helped me make it through many rough spots. Friends helped me focus not on myself, but on life as a whole. Through a few community programs I found ways to connect with others, get a break from my children when I needed it and feel less guilty about the mistakes I made. I found a few really good friends through these programs; but, unfortunately, have lost touch with most of them.
I have now retreated from life as a whole. I feel like the choice to retreat is one that is causing me a great deal of pain; but, at the same time, it is allowing me to see deeper inside myself than I have before. Unfortunately, there are some things which I need to work on more.

Socializing is one of them. I don't understand people and never have. I continue to alienate others and push them away. I think that it is my way of protecting myself. Recent events have reminded me of how painful it is to try and connect and how I just can't seem to understand others or get them to understand me. It's so much easier to just shut down- be silent and withdraw. Sometimes it seems that dying could be the answer.