Who I Am

I know I am not a "positive" person. In fact the only thing I am positive of is the fact that I will survive almost everything thrown at me. Eventually, I won't because everyone has to die sometime. If you don't like my negative writing and depressing personality - don't read any further!

I write about depression and negative thoughts because that is who I am!

It's January of a new year and to me the thought of the world ending in 2012 is actually fine. I am fighting another depressive episode, as I do every winter. Winter here is too long! Winter is often from Oct to May. You would think I would move but the thing is I could never afford to. I got a "solar glow" lamp for Christmas and still have not plugged it in. Mostly I have been sleeping for a few hours, waking up, going on FB for an hour or two and then going back to sleep. Sleep is the one method I have to escape but even there the dreams can get so depressing they wake me up.

My writing has been sporadic and negative. This is a reflection of my thoughts. I am not even sure I am making much sense, here or on any of my blogs.

Sure, I can pretend to be happy and upbeat but I got tired of that a few years ago! It takes an enormous amount of energy and a desire to please others that I no longer have. I think I do want to please others, it's just I keep wondering "what's the point?". I mean - very few out there care what I am doing or what I think and those who do understand what I am going through.

Pretending is something I decided to stop doing after I had my stroke - which scared me to think I was so close to dying and hadn't even got to know myself or let anyone know me. If I died the person that would be remembered was not me but just who everyone wanted me to be. Doesn't everyone have a deep desire to be remembered for them self? Perhaps not but I do! I would much rather be hated and rejected for who I am than for who others think I am!

I am a depressed, negative person most of the year!

I am a caring individual who takes time to listen to friends and respond!

I am a prolific writer who uses it as a tool to change and grow 75% of the time and just release crappy thoughts 23% of the time!

I am a survivor! I have survived many things, some I have shared, some I have not!

I am sensitive, paranoid, mentally ill, physically ill, obese and yet somehow always caring, sharing and helping where I can!

I do take things too personal, that is just who I am!

It is my goal to become a better human being, mother and grandparent. A goal I hope to achieve without pretending!