Been a long time since I posted here. Had a rough day today and even thought about suicide. Unfortunately or perhaps fortunately, I am a coward, meaning I'm afraid, when it comes to dying. My biggest fear is attempting suicide and failing and being forced to live an even worse life than I am today.
Today was bad for several reasons.
1: I have been in pain all day as I was trying to avoid taking any painkillers. I hate taking pills and the painkillers make me tired. Since I am already tired all the time from the Fibromyalgia and fighting the pain, I don't need anything else to add to my exhaustion.
2: My mother. She has a way of triggering negative thoughts and emotions in me. I feel I have to go over to her place and work as I owe her a lot of money and it's one way of paying some of it back. I love the lady but sometimes she seems to be able to misunderstand everything I say and twist things around until I don't know whether I'm coming or going.
3: My youngest is in Canada for the first time in 2 or 3 years. I was unable to meet her when she arrived and will probably not get to see much of her while she is in Edmonton. She doesn't understand that I just want to be as close to her as possible for as long as I can while she is here. I know I will get to spend some time with her but it doesn't seem like it will be enough to carry me through 3 or more years.
4: My daughter Amanda. Plans were that she would be visiting from the 19th until the 24th of July and then we would go spend time with her sisters. She changed plans, without saying why, so now she will be here - at my mom's- from the 22nd until the 24th. She actually did not want to spend her birthday with her sisters and me. I don't know why but she gave some speech to my mom that makes mom think she's afraid we will borrow money off of her. Seems she doesn't really want anything to do with me. She is only coming up here because my mom lives here.
5: My daughters' choice of significant others. None of them like me or can even tolerate me it seems. Most of them dislike that I am a terrible housekeeper and don't understand either my physical limitations or my mental health problems. They want nothing to do with me and try to keep my daughters away from me, like I will poison my daughters by association. None of them understands my need to be close to my girls and in contact with them. Damn I'm an overprotective mother.
Mostly things just got too much and I wanted someone in my family to actually care about me. Instead I got a message to keep things private and shut the hell up. I'm suppose to do all the contacting and keeping things up. I think that sucks but then that's the way of the world now. Today's message is nobody cares for anyone but themselves any more! The world has become a selfish place where I no longer belong but then I never did belong!
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Defining Dorothy
My definition of myself is complicated. It consists of many aspects and thoughts.
1. I am a believer - I believe Jesus Christ was/is real and did die for our sins. I believe in the Trinity.
2. I am a mother - I raised 4 beautiful daughters who have become wonderful women. They have social conscience, empathy and are very aware of who they are and what they expect from life{most of the time}
3. I am beautiful - inside I am a beautiful person even if no one thinks so by looking at my outside. Even if I hate the way I look, I know inside my soul I am beautiful.
4. I am a thinker - I love to think about all sorts of things. My brain is always working on something. I love that most of the time;but, wish it would at least take a break when I sleep. It doesn't though. I know my dreams that I remember are often ways of working out something that has been on my mind.
5. I am smart - I do have a lot of knowledge. Quite a bit from experience and a lot from reading, doing crosswords, watching documentary type programs, listening at the right times, etc. I may be intellectual in some things but am quiet stupid when it comes to social things. Mainly because before this point in my life, I never really cared about socializing. My family was always the biggest part of my life; but, now the girls have grown up and moved on, my siblings are all becoming more distant and I am becoming housebound {for a variety of reasons}
6. I am crazy - Yep, Yep I am:D I accept that I have many mental health issues. They make life challenging and interesting. Sure, I would like to "get better" and often feel that is not possible; but, on days like today - I love who I am even with the "issues" I have:D
7. I am an open person - I love to share what I know, what I think and what I have experienced. I don't care if some people don't like it. It is who I am!
8 I am honest - I try to be 100% honest with others. Sometimes I have failed to be honest but it is because I was worried or scared of what others thought. Also, I will lie to save someones feelings - won't intentionally hurt people. Honesty is a trait I admire in others. Dishonesty is something that is likely to drive me to do "crazy" things.
9. I am disabled - Though my disabilities are not "visible" to most people they are present and at times overwhelming. Still, I am still alive and kicking. I can still function, although at times I don't feel like it.
10. I am obese - By definition an obese person is someone who is more than 100 lbs overweight. I am. I have lost and gained weight numerous times since having my children. I do worry a little about my weight and sometimes let it define me; but, mostly I don't dwell on it - that would be too depressing. I do hate when family or friends try to "joke" about it or "advise" me about it.
I Believe:
I believe peoples actions speak louder than their words.
I believe that when some people are caught in a lie or lies they often attack another person to cover up the truth.
I believe most people make mistakes.
I believe in giving everyone as many chances as they need to be a friend.
I believe "forgiveness" is up to God, not me.
I believe "you can't judge a book by it's cover" and you shouldn't judge a person by how they look.
I believe true friends will stick by you no matter how crazy your actions may appear at times.
I believe I do have some very good friends, true friends on a certain social network.
1. I am a believer - I believe Jesus Christ was/is real and did die for our sins. I believe in the Trinity.
2. I am a mother - I raised 4 beautiful daughters who have become wonderful women. They have social conscience, empathy and are very aware of who they are and what they expect from life{most of the time}
3. I am beautiful - inside I am a beautiful person even if no one thinks so by looking at my outside. Even if I hate the way I look, I know inside my soul I am beautiful.
4. I am a thinker - I love to think about all sorts of things. My brain is always working on something. I love that most of the time;but, wish it would at least take a break when I sleep. It doesn't though. I know my dreams that I remember are often ways of working out something that has been on my mind.
5. I am smart - I do have a lot of knowledge. Quite a bit from experience and a lot from reading, doing crosswords, watching documentary type programs, listening at the right times, etc. I may be intellectual in some things but am quiet stupid when it comes to social things. Mainly because before this point in my life, I never really cared about socializing. My family was always the biggest part of my life; but, now the girls have grown up and moved on, my siblings are all becoming more distant and I am becoming housebound {for a variety of reasons}
6. I am crazy - Yep, Yep I am:D I accept that I have many mental health issues. They make life challenging and interesting. Sure, I would like to "get better" and often feel that is not possible; but, on days like today - I love who I am even with the "issues" I have:D
7. I am an open person - I love to share what I know, what I think and what I have experienced. I don't care if some people don't like it. It is who I am!
8 I am honest - I try to be 100% honest with others. Sometimes I have failed to be honest but it is because I was worried or scared of what others thought. Also, I will lie to save someones feelings - won't intentionally hurt people. Honesty is a trait I admire in others. Dishonesty is something that is likely to drive me to do "crazy" things.
9. I am disabled - Though my disabilities are not "visible" to most people they are present and at times overwhelming. Still, I am still alive and kicking. I can still function, although at times I don't feel like it.
10. I am obese - By definition an obese person is someone who is more than 100 lbs overweight. I am. I have lost and gained weight numerous times since having my children. I do worry a little about my weight and sometimes let it define me; but, mostly I don't dwell on it - that would be too depressing. I do hate when family or friends try to "joke" about it or "advise" me about it.
I Believe:
I believe peoples actions speak louder than their words.
I believe that when some people are caught in a lie or lies they often attack another person to cover up the truth.
I believe most people make mistakes.
I believe in giving everyone as many chances as they need to be a friend.
I believe "forgiveness" is up to God, not me.
I believe "you can't judge a book by it's cover" and you shouldn't judge a person by how they look.
I believe true friends will stick by you no matter how crazy your actions may appear at times.
I believe I do have some very good friends, true friends on a certain social network.
Gone But Not Forgotten!
My dad, passed away in 2000, gone but definitely not forgotten. Still see his face in crowds or other men. Still think about him all the time. Still miss him terribly. Still cry over him sometimes:(
How can you miss someone you barely knew? Someone who wouldn't let you in? How can you still care for someone who hurt you deeply?
My dad was a very private and troubled man. He barely shared his life with me; but for all that he was still my dad and I loved him or who I knew him to be. I loved playing cards and games with him. I loved our rare but open chats.I loved the way it felt on the rare occasions he would hug me. I never took the chance to say so many things I wanted to say to him, always thought it was the wrong time and now will never get the chance.
Caring for emotionally distant or withdrawn people can really hurt; but, it is something I always have a tendency to do. Maybe because of my father, maybe because they remind me of myself. For many years of my life, I lived inside of myself only. Not allowing myself to feel anything. Not allowing myself to express anything. Sometimes I think it might be better that way; but then someone comes along who makes me smile or "hugs" my heart and I know it isn't.
Sure there are many, many tears and a lot of heartache in this world, especially mine; but when I shut down emotionally I also stop feeling the positive things. Things like love, joy and hope. A few moments now and then of someone actually caring for me can remind me how much the pain is worth!
Dedicated to my dad, Albert Lenard Abbott.
How can you miss someone you barely knew? Someone who wouldn't let you in? How can you still care for someone who hurt you deeply?
My dad was a very private and troubled man. He barely shared his life with me; but for all that he was still my dad and I loved him or who I knew him to be. I loved playing cards and games with him. I loved our rare but open chats.I loved the way it felt on the rare occasions he would hug me. I never took the chance to say so many things I wanted to say to him, always thought it was the wrong time and now will never get the chance.
Caring for emotionally distant or withdrawn people can really hurt; but, it is something I always have a tendency to do. Maybe because of my father, maybe because they remind me of myself. For many years of my life, I lived inside of myself only. Not allowing myself to feel anything. Not allowing myself to express anything. Sometimes I think it might be better that way; but then someone comes along who makes me smile or "hugs" my heart and I know it isn't.
Sure there are many, many tears and a lot of heartache in this world, especially mine; but when I shut down emotionally I also stop feeling the positive things. Things like love, joy and hope. A few moments now and then of someone actually caring for me can remind me how much the pain is worth!
Dedicated to my dad, Albert Lenard Abbott.
Finding Ways To Make It Through Depressions
As most know I suffer from 2 different types of Depression, Seasonal and Chronic.
Seasonal Depression: Ways I am using to get through
My SADS usually starts kicking in sometime in October and lasts until May, oh the "lovely" Albertan Winter - not! In the past, I noticed my Seasonal Depression getting worse and worse each winter. Now, perhaps that was partly due to some of the crap going on; but, even with support from friends I was losing my mind. After losing it totally and doing some major "soul searching", I decided that there were changes I absolutely had to make!
The major change was to start focusing on the positive people and things in my life, no matter how small the positive or how far away the person. I needed to wake up and realize how many truly great friends I have and how some people are just not worth the effort/pain.It does not mean I care "less" but that I need to put that caring behind a wall for now and maybe forever in some cases!
Since Christmas, and the resulting talk with my daughter Christina that awakened a necessity for change in my thinking, things have been improving! January and February are usually the worst months for me; however, this year I have had days of struggle and "hibernation" but they are not as many or as frequent. I think part of it is the new attitude and part is the solar lamp therapy. I got to say my family has played a large part in opening my eyes and helping me through and so have some of my friends!
I have also found a "new" interest and have put some of my attention there instead of in the "wrong" type of "reaching out"! No, it is not a person, as I am not now or never have I been seeking any relationship but friendship! Relationships are just too messy and complicated, especially when one struggles with Mental Health issues as I do {sadly, sometimes I think that even applies to friendship}.
Chronic Depression: Ways I am using to get through
Trying different herbal supplements! I think the key to that is just finding the right combinations that work for me.
"Choosing to be happy" ~ Still don't think I can do that but focusing more on the positive or even just mundane and a lot less on the negative.
Still working through issues that come up due to past events. Mostly not writing about them, except on a "private" blog.
Trying to keep the most negative thoughts cordoned off and separated from the main. That is, the other parts are dealing with a lot of it or I write it out in private blog. NO feedback but no grief from anyone either and no paranoia that it is misunderstood and used against me by anyone!
Think the biggest step has been the acceptance of the parts and allowing them their own freedoms. Gradually working on learning to deal with some of the issues that they have is helping to keep them in the background.
Being Strong?
People always say to me that I am strong. I have a hard time seeing that. I know that I have survived a lot of things; but, there are many scars I never let show. Scars that tear me apart at times.For me the real strength comes from God and from support received from friends and family. It is something deep within and hard to recognize.
I have struggled through many things in my life. I know I could not have survived without the support I have received. Sometimes I wonder if surviving is such a great thing and wish I felt that I was living more than just surviving.
When I was raising my children, the support I received from family helped me make it through many rough spots. Friends helped me focus not on myself, but on life as a whole. Through a few community programs I found ways to connect with others, get a break from my children when I needed it and feel less guilty about the mistakes I made. I found a few really good friends through these programs; but, unfortunately, have lost touch with most of them.
I have now retreated from life as a whole. I feel like the choice to retreat is one that is causing me a great deal of pain; but, at the same time, it is allowing me to see deeper inside myself than I have before. Unfortunately, there are some things which I need to work on more.
Socializing is one of them. I don't understand people and never have. I continue to alienate others and push them away. I think that it is my way of protecting myself. Recent events have reminded me of how painful it is to try and connect and how I just can't seem to understand others or get them to understand me. It's so much easier to just shut down- be silent and withdraw. Sometimes it seems that dying could be the answer.
I have struggled through many things in my life. I know I could not have survived without the support I have received. Sometimes I wonder if surviving is such a great thing and wish I felt that I was living more than just surviving.
When I was raising my children, the support I received from family helped me make it through many rough spots. Friends helped me focus not on myself, but on life as a whole. Through a few community programs I found ways to connect with others, get a break from my children when I needed it and feel less guilty about the mistakes I made. I found a few really good friends through these programs; but, unfortunately, have lost touch with most of them.
I have now retreated from life as a whole. I feel like the choice to retreat is one that is causing me a great deal of pain; but, at the same time, it is allowing me to see deeper inside myself than I have before. Unfortunately, there are some things which I need to work on more.
Socializing is one of them. I don't understand people and never have. I continue to alienate others and push them away. I think that it is my way of protecting myself. Recent events have reminded me of how painful it is to try and connect and how I just can't seem to understand others or get them to understand me. It's so much easier to just shut down- be silent and withdraw. Sometimes it seems that dying could be the answer.
I am Dot!
I am Dot!
I struggle daily with ups and downs!
I try to be more like others but I just can't do it!
I fight myself daily.
I fight the desire to do things I know I shouldn't!
I fight the emotional see-saw that my brain puts me through!
I fight self-doubt.
I fight the paranoia and splitting.
I fight to have a "normal" life!
I fight suicidal thoughts!
I wonder if anyone understands how much I struggle just to be me.
I am up and down more than a well used see-saw; but, I am struggling to keep it to myself more!
I think too much about others and things I shouldn't and wish I knew how to stop it!
I pray for friend, family, enemies and pretty much everyone I meet.
I also pray for the ability to forget those things I feel I need to.
I have memory issues over everyday things and names. Sometimes even my own.
I am a mother, even though my daughters are all in their 20's and 30's! I miss my girls who are farther away, daily!
I write out thoughts for many reasons.
I do have "attention seeking" traits because I feel so alone!
I am obese:(
I am currently a smoker.
I feel alone even when I am not!
I do know some understand but I don't feel it:(
I wonder if I will ever really want a "relationship" with anyone besides friendship or have I lost all desire for that.
I am multi-faceted, there is more to me than I can explain in writing!
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