Who I Am

I know I am not a "positive" person. In fact the only thing I am positive of is the fact that I will survive almost everything thrown at me. Eventually, I won't because everyone has to die sometime. If you don't like my negative writing and depressing personality - don't read any further!

I write about depression and negative thoughts because that is who I am!

It's January of a new year and to me the thought of the world ending in 2012 is actually fine. I am fighting another depressive episode, as I do every winter. Winter here is too long! Winter is often from Oct to May. You would think I would move but the thing is I could never afford to. I got a "solar glow" lamp for Christmas and still have not plugged it in. Mostly I have been sleeping for a few hours, waking up, going on FB for an hour or two and then going back to sleep. Sleep is the one method I have to escape but even there the dreams can get so depressing they wake me up.

My writing has been sporadic and negative. This is a reflection of my thoughts. I am not even sure I am making much sense, here or on any of my blogs.

Sure, I can pretend to be happy and upbeat but I got tired of that a few years ago! It takes an enormous amount of energy and a desire to please others that I no longer have. I think I do want to please others, it's just I keep wondering "what's the point?". I mean - very few out there care what I am doing or what I think and those who do understand what I am going through.

Pretending is something I decided to stop doing after I had my stroke - which scared me to think I was so close to dying and hadn't even got to know myself or let anyone know me. If I died the person that would be remembered was not me but just who everyone wanted me to be. Doesn't everyone have a deep desire to be remembered for them self? Perhaps not but I do! I would much rather be hated and rejected for who I am than for who others think I am!

I am a depressed, negative person most of the year!

I am a caring individual who takes time to listen to friends and respond!

I am a prolific writer who uses it as a tool to change and grow 75% of the time and just release crappy thoughts 23% of the time!

I am a survivor! I have survived many things, some I have shared, some I have not!

I am sensitive, paranoid, mentally ill, physically ill, obese and yet somehow always caring, sharing and helping where I can!

I do take things too personal, that is just who I am!

It is my goal to become a better human being, mother and grandparent. A goal I hope to achieve without pretending!

Defining Dorothy

My definition of myself is complicated. It consists of many aspects and thoughts.

1. I am a believer - I believe Jesus Christ was/is real and did die for our sins. I believe in the Trinity.

2. I am a mother - I raised 4 beautiful daughters who have become wonderful women. They have social conscience, empathy and are very aware of who they are and what they expect from life{most of the time}

3. I am beautiful - inside I am a beautiful person even if no one thinks so by looking at my outside. Even if I hate the way I look, I know inside my soul I am beautiful.

4. I am a thinker - I love to think about all sorts of things. My brain is always working on something. I love that most of the time;but, wish it would at least take a break when I sleep. It doesn't though. I know my dreams that I remember are often ways of working out something that has been on my mind.

5. I am smart - I do have a lot of knowledge. Quite a bit from experience and a lot from reading, doing crosswords, watching documentary type programs, listening at the right times, etc. I may be intellectual in some things but am quiet stupid when it comes to social things. Mainly because before this point in my life, I never really cared about socializing. My family was always the biggest part of my life; but, now the girls have grown up and moved on, my siblings are all becoming more distant and I am becoming housebound {for a variety of reasons}

6. I am crazy - Yep, Yep I am:D I accept that I have many mental health issues. They make life challenging and interesting. Sure, I would like to "get better" and often feel that is not possible; but, on days like today - I love who I am even with the "issues" I have:D

7. I am an open person - I love to share what I know, what I think and what I have experienced. I don't care if some people don't like it. It is who I am!

8 I am honest - I try to be 100% honest with others. Sometimes I have failed to be honest but it is because I was worried or scared of what others thought. Also, I will lie to save someones feelings - won't intentionally hurt people. Honesty is a trait I admire in others. Dishonesty is something that is likely to drive me to do "crazy" things.

9. I am disabled - Though my disabilities are not "visible" to most people they are present and at times overwhelming. Still, I am still alive and kicking. I can still function, although at times I don't feel like it.

10. I am obese - By definition an obese person is someone who is more than 100 lbs overweight. I am. I have lost and gained weight numerous times since having my children. I do worry a little about my weight and sometimes let it define me; but, mostly I don't dwell on it - that would be too depressing. I do hate when family or friends try to "joke" about it or "advise" me about it.

I Believe:

I believe peoples actions speak louder than their words.
I believe that when some people are caught in a lie or lies they often attack another person to cover up the truth.
I believe most people make mistakes.
I believe in giving everyone as many chances as they need to be a friend.
I believe "forgiveness" is up to God, not me.
I believe "you can't judge a book by it's cover" and you shouldn't judge a person by how they look.
I believe true friends will stick by you no matter how crazy your actions may appear at times.
I believe I do have some very good friends, true friends on a certain social network.

A History - Part 1

My life in a nutshell:

First memories are of our small farmhouse near Gunn.
Warm, happy, crowded,busy.
Remember my mom baking bread in the wood stove and smiling.
Remember My brother always falling in the root cellar when the trap door was open.
Remember the smell of the root cellar being moldy,musty and yet inviting.
Remember waking up in the winter to ice on the floor of what was our bedroom.
Our being my 6 siblings and I.
Remember sharing a king size bed with 2 brothers and my sister.
Crowded by comforting!
Remember my mom saying the place was built from 2 chicken coops pushed up to the existing structure to make the bedrooms.
Remember the pot bellied stove for heat:)
Remember some parties my parent's use to have.
Remember my Uncle Joe breaking my favorite stool when he was drunk.
Remember I wanted to be around the adults and older kids a lot.
Then remember the day it went all to hell!

The Day!
I guess I was about 4 or 5 years old - don't know for sure.
I wanted to see what the older boys were up to in the barn - even though I was not suppose to go up there.
I tried sneaking up to the hayloft but guess I wasn't quiet enough.
My brother must have heard me because he convinced me to come closer.
There were 5 boys in the hayloft - 2 brothers and 3 cousins.
They were looking at porn magazines my dad had.
They told me this is what mommies and daddies do when they love each other.
Then they asked me if I wanted to be a good mommy.
I did I told them!
They said I needed to know how to do what was in the books.
Then they took turns....
I try not to remember anymore details but sometimes am unsuccessful!
All I remember for sure is those images in front of me on the hay bale.
Kneeling or bending over a hay bale and pain!
I remember shutting down all feeling and wishing myself somewhere else!
I remember being told I could not tell mom or anyone as I was not suppose to be in the barn.
I hid for a while in the bushes and cried until I couldnot cry anymore and then promised myself I would never cry again!

The Others

I call them parts, they call themselves "the others". Truthfully, I still have no idea exactly what is going on in this head of mine! I do know that some people think I am lying or just using the whole thing as an excuse to get away with behaviour I wouldn't "normally" (in quotes because there is nothing "normal" about me) do; but, those people are 100% wrong! How I wish things were that simple!

I struggled through many, many traumatic events in my life, some of which I have written about and some which I haven't. The only way I was taught to deal with most of these events is to just "forget them and move on", which for me meant bury them and screw the consequences! The consequences eventually led to my mind separating into different parts to deal with different emotions or thoughts. At least that is my belief.

These parts became more active and distinct after I suffered the hemorrhagic in 2007. There are times now where I am relegated to being an observer in my own body. When that happens I have little to no control over what any part may write or do, all I can do is try to "clean up" any mess or trouble they may have caused after the fact. I do not use this as an excuse for any of my actions or words because obviously some part of me actually thinks that way; but, I do mention it to explain what may appear to be erratic or "nasty" behaviour. However, I totally understand that many people do not understand and a few actually do not believe it. Truthfully, before I became aware of the parts I would have had significant trouble believing this from anyone else, except for a few people I know who have been diagnosed with Dissociative Personality disorder (or Multiple Personality Disorder as it was known as).

I am Dot!

I am Dot!

I struggle daily with ups and downs! 

I try to be more like others but I just can't do it! 

I fight myself daily.

I fight the desire to do things I know I shouldn't! 

I fight the emotional see-saw that my brain puts me through!

I fight self-doubt. 

I fight the paranoia and splitting. 

I fight to have a "normal" life!

I fight suicidal thoughts!

I wonder if anyone understands how much I struggle just to be me.

I am up and down more than a well used see-saw; but, I am struggling to keep it to myself more!

I think too much about others and things I shouldn't and wish I knew how to stop it!

I pray for friend, family, enemies and pretty much everyone I meet.

I also pray for the ability to forget those things I feel I need to. 

I have memory issues over everyday things and names. Sometimes even my own.

I am a mother, even though my daughters are all in their 20's and 30's!  I miss my girls who are farther away, daily!

I write out thoughts for many reasons. 

I do have "attention seeking" traits because I feel so alone!

I am obese:(

I am currently a smoker.

I feel alone even when I am not!

I do know some understand but  I don't feel it:(

I wonder if I will ever really want a "relationship" with anyone besides friendship or have I lost all desire for that.

I am multi-faceted, there is more to me than I can explain in writing!