Battling Mental Illness

Those who know me in "real" life, I battle several mental illnesses.  Very few doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists or therapists use any tools for discovery anymore. They simply listen to a person and come up with diagnosis from what they hear. Unfortunately, They are basing the diagnosis on what may come out of my mouth and when I am talking, in person to someone, I tend to get tongue tied, forgetful and shy.
In my opinion, for what it is worth, I think I'm just plain crazy! I have, in the past been diagnosed with Chronic Depression, Seasonal Depression, Bi polar, Paranoia and Anxiety disorders. I know I battle Social Phobia and have most of my life;but, I can function in society, to a limited degree because I do know how to "fake it". I suspect I have  Dissociative Disorder. That is something very few understand or even believe.

For most of my life, battling mental illness Has consisted of "faking it" a lot. That changed for me when I had the Hemorrhagic Stroke in 2007. For those who do not know what kind of stroke this is, it is a bleed in the brain usually caused by a burst vessel or aneurysm.. though mine was not, in fact they still do not know why I had bleeding in my brain, only that it happened and almost killed me. That is when I decided that I no longer wanted to "fake" life by pretending to be whoever other people wanted me to be, that I was going to figure out just who I am and hopefully be able to live with myself and die a little more fulfilled. However, along the journey the attacks and negativity from others has often made me reconsider exactly what I hope to achieve and if it is even worth it for me.

It is the attacks, negativity, judgement and rejection that make battling any Mental Illness more difficult for any person. Many others I know have given up or are "close to the brink" meaning they often think of giving up. It's the battle internal that is the hardest part and the external crap from others just makes it harder for many. Even those who, supposedly,"won" and are "cured" can add to the frustration of know one is not totally understood because for many there is no "winning", simply surviving! For me, surviving consists of waking up each day, getting out of bed and doing anything I can and then keeping myself alive until it's time to sleep again. Many times I wish I didn't wake up at all. However, as long as I keep waking  up I will keep trying to stay alive; at least, until either God or I decide there is no more battle left inside of this body.

Part of the way I battle the Mental Illness is to share and write, in the hopes others will someday understand and those like me will know there is someone out there who does understand! Many, many, many times I have been tempted to stop writing and sharing because of the backlash and rejection, the tears and the internal pain; but, to do so would be allowing those others to "win" and would be abandoning those who really need to read or share to battle alone, which I feel no one should have to do.

So, just remember ~ "when you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on" ~ for there are others who do care and will understand! Though most are silent, everyone battles in their own way and this is mine!