Age has never really meant that much to me. A person's age is just a number, it tells you nothing about that person! I've met people older than me who were less mature and people younger than me who had an "old soul", meaning they were mature beyond their age. Maturity does not come with the amount of time a person spends on this world; but, too often, others think it does. Being mature does not mean you can't act like a child at times or enjoy certain things with 'childlike wonder', it just means know when it is appropriate or desirable to do so. To me it's always been maturity that counts and not age!
My daughters are the most precious people in my life and mostly my reason for living. I have been "overprotective" of them while they were growing up; but, I also acknowledged their early maturity. When they started "dating", I was not surprised that the oldest wound up finding someone older than herself. I admit, at first, I was concerned about it but because I trusted her and recognized they were both on the same maturity level, I quickly accepted her choice. Happily they both appear to have done considerable maturing in the past 10 years.
If one of my girls met someone younger then themselves that they wanted to be with, it would not be the persons age I would even think of but their maturity! That is one reason I've never really even thought about someone's age when interacting with them. Unfortunately, most people seem to think age is a "big deal" and often prejudge others by their preconceived notions.
While I was growing up, I was lucky enough to have parents who did not mind if I hung around when their friends visited or joined in on "adult" conversations. My parents never really said "You're not old enough" or "You're to young" when it came to us kids trying out new things. I guess that is one reason age never became a big deal to me. At least that's the way I remember things. The only exception being when I wanted to hang around the older boys when they were in their teenage years. Which I soon learned, the hard way, was for my own protection.
I have know several very happy couples where age differences were greater than 3-15 years, both the women being older or the man. Those relationships were based more on maturity and acceptance the a numerical value determined by birth date.
As for my age (51, soon 52), it's no big deal. I don't know how many years, if any, I will be here; but, thankfully, that doesn't matter all that much to me either. I do know that I don't really want an "intimate relationship" with anyone at this point in my life. However, that does not mean that I'm not willing to reconsider that if the right person came along, regardless of their age.
The only thing I really like about my age is the coincidence of my mother being 25 years older then me and my daughter being 25 years younger and all of us born in February!
Deliberately Ignored Opportunities
I had several opportunities to add certain people as "friends" on Facebook and deliberately did not! First, I am not adding friends randomly or past "friends" through any invitation from me; but, I am always willing to accept "friend" requests from others, even those who have deleted or blocked me before. Even if those people ever took it upon themselves to quit "hiding", I would not try to add them! I only want FB friends who wish to have me as a friend. Thus no more friends requests from me going out to anyone except if a close friend suggests someone I have never had the opportunity to get to know.
I did send a "friend request" to my ex-husband on Facebook; but, that was because he is "friends" with my daughters and plays a game I play, no other reason!
I have set my privacy on friends only a few times and may do so in the future. This is not a response to anyone who may have been a past "friend" or an attempt to keep information from anyone; but, just a desire to be left alone for a short period of time. I prefer to keep my privacy settings on Everybody or Friends of Friends because I have nothing to hide! Those who know me well and understand me are always welcome to read anything I write, either here or on Facebook. I will try not to respond to paranoia but those who know me know I am quite loony and tend to fluctuate on decisions and thoughts!
As for "opportunities" to add anyone in particular....NO Thanks! If anyone wishes to add me fine, otherwise just use these writings here to keep "slamming me" or as fuel for "rants". Yep, that is a little paranoia showing through! My "notes" on Facebook will remain for FB friends, as those who read them at least try to clarify things before jumping to conclusions and that is what friends do!
I have thought of deactivating my account on Facebook several times over the last few months; but, I refuse to be someone else's puppet and I still enjoy a few games and really enjoy interacting with a few friends. Will I ever leave Facebook? Probably not, for there are some family members I would not be able to interact with other than on FB. I do have accounts on several other "social sites", won't name them here; but, I enjoy my true friends on Facebook!
I will continue to ignore any "opportunities" to add certain people as I am aware they could not// would not understand me! Which in reality I don't hold any resentment over because there are days/months where I don't/can't understand me!
I did send a "friend request" to my ex-husband on Facebook; but, that was because he is "friends" with my daughters and plays a game I play, no other reason!
I have set my privacy on friends only a few times and may do so in the future. This is not a response to anyone who may have been a past "friend" or an attempt to keep information from anyone; but, just a desire to be left alone for a short period of time. I prefer to keep my privacy settings on Everybody or Friends of Friends because I have nothing to hide! Those who know me well and understand me are always welcome to read anything I write, either here or on Facebook. I will try not to respond to paranoia but those who know me know I am quite loony and tend to fluctuate on decisions and thoughts!
As for "opportunities" to add anyone in particular....NO Thanks! If anyone wishes to add me fine, otherwise just use these writings here to keep "slamming me" or as fuel for "rants". Yep, that is a little paranoia showing through! My "notes" on Facebook will remain for FB friends, as those who read them at least try to clarify things before jumping to conclusions and that is what friends do!
I have thought of deactivating my account on Facebook several times over the last few months; but, I refuse to be someone else's puppet and I still enjoy a few games and really enjoy interacting with a few friends. Will I ever leave Facebook? Probably not, for there are some family members I would not be able to interact with other than on FB. I do have accounts on several other "social sites", won't name them here; but, I enjoy my true friends on Facebook!
I will continue to ignore any "opportunities" to add certain people as I am aware they could not// would not understand me! Which in reality I don't hold any resentment over because there are days/months where I don't/can't understand me!
PAIN!!!!
I suffer from almost constant pain! It's been that way for me for the last 27 years, with each year getting progressively worse. I think I've tried just about every painkiller out there; but, few work to do more than make me feel doped and still in pain. I've also tried many "natural" remedies, vitamin "therapies" and herbal concoctions. Some days, like today, I wonder is life really worth all this pain, keep in mind I am talking about physical pain here, and will anything ever help.
There have been "suggestions" by a few people I've known who think it is all "in my head"; but, my doctors and I know it's not! I have fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, Chronic Pain Syndrome and migraines. to top it all off there are days where I get "toothaches" when I have no teeth (dentures only). Unfortunately, the only painkillers I have ever found work for me are "too strong" according to most doctors. I can get some painkillers, like Advil Migraine to work on some pains (headaches) and the anti-inflammatory medications were helping with the arthritis; but, my doctor says a person can't be on those "long term". So, just how am I suppose to get through the pain without any help from the doctors?
I have tried self medicating with marijuana and alcohol, in the past; but, unfortunately do not like some of the other "side effects" that come with using those. "Side effects" like being illegal, drunkenness, hang overs, etc! Plus, I don't like the person I become while using those as "painkillers".
I am already on many medications for many illnesses and only want to have some small time each day that is pain free! Even in my sleep I experience pain, often waking up from it! I have tried "meditation", relaxation techniques and deep breathing and sometimes find it will work for a very short period off time; but, it's such a short period of time that I never even get to "enjoy" it.
Unfortunately, due to my living arrangements and anxiety, I can not " enjoy" a long, hot bath...... which use to help. I haven't been able to relax in a bath since I had my four daughters! First off, because I was a single mom but now because I just find my anxiety increasing with the thoughts that someone else may need the washroom or someone may come to the door.
Today and this evening the pain is from my right neck/shoulder down my arm and has been "driving me crazy" all day! This despite taking several Tylenol 3's and using Diclo ointment, which only served to make me fuzzy headed and yet still in pain.
I guess I'll self medicate tomorrow if the pain continues, especially since the arthritis in my hips and knees has also been "acting up".
There have been "suggestions" by a few people I've known who think it is all "in my head"; but, my doctors and I know it's not! I have fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, Chronic Pain Syndrome and migraines. to top it all off there are days where I get "toothaches" when I have no teeth (dentures only). Unfortunately, the only painkillers I have ever found work for me are "too strong" according to most doctors. I can get some painkillers, like Advil Migraine to work on some pains (headaches) and the anti-inflammatory medications were helping with the arthritis; but, my doctor says a person can't be on those "long term". So, just how am I suppose to get through the pain without any help from the doctors?
I have tried self medicating with marijuana and alcohol, in the past; but, unfortunately do not like some of the other "side effects" that come with using those. "Side effects" like being illegal, drunkenness, hang overs, etc! Plus, I don't like the person I become while using those as "painkillers".
I am already on many medications for many illnesses and only want to have some small time each day that is pain free! Even in my sleep I experience pain, often waking up from it! I have tried "meditation", relaxation techniques and deep breathing and sometimes find it will work for a very short period off time; but, it's such a short period of time that I never even get to "enjoy" it.
Unfortunately, due to my living arrangements and anxiety, I can not " enjoy" a long, hot bath...... which use to help. I haven't been able to relax in a bath since I had my four daughters! First off, because I was a single mom but now because I just find my anxiety increasing with the thoughts that someone else may need the washroom or someone may come to the door.
Today and this evening the pain is from my right neck/shoulder down my arm and has been "driving me crazy" all day! This despite taking several Tylenol 3's and using Diclo ointment, which only served to make me fuzzy headed and yet still in pain.
I guess I'll self medicate tomorrow if the pain continues, especially since the arthritis in my hips and knees has also been "acting up".
Fear or Anxiety
I have battled many fears in my life. Some of the fears became phobias, which I struggled to overcome; some I have, some only partially and some still remain. To me fear is more than being anxious or expecting the worse; it is a lack of faith that any given situation or event will cause no harm, to those I love or myself. I usually have a strong faith and believe that God, or whatever you wish to call Him, will protect us; but, at times, that faith isn't as strong as it should be mainly because I know God has His own plans and they may not jibe with mine. Besides, What I think of as "harm" and "too much to handle" may not, because it has not always been, what God thinks of as "harm" or "too much".
I have been claustrophobic since I can remember and it is one fear I have not truly overcome. Though I can handle some limited space, I still fear being trapped in a small space for any length of time.
I do fear being judged/criticized by others in social situations, which is Social Phobia,and even though I try not to I just can't help it because I know I have never "fit in" and probably never will. I just never really learned how to socialize with people outside of my family without pretending to be someone other than who I feel I am inside.Also, I have met so few people like my family or myself, who can accept others for who they are and try to understand and not judge.
I had a fear of lightning and thunder from when I was a small child. I have "overcome" that fear, in that I understand both and how they work and do not think "harm" will come. However, I still have a physical reaction of anxiety during lengthy storms.
I battled a fear of heights for many years and feel that in most cases I can handle heights; the only exception being when I am close to the edge at a height of over 2 stories. Then the anxiety comes.
In truth, I believe that I am not as afraid as I use to be and have been able to handle the anxiety in most situations; but, there are still times when I prefer not to expose myself to the anxiety. There is just something about the tightness in my chest, the racing heart, the feeling of not being able to breath and the feeling of being overwhelmed that I find discomforting. I know I should work harder on battling the anxiety and the physical symptoms; but, sometimes wonder why. After all, I'm the one who has to live with it and should be able to choose to avoid those situations that cause it, as long as there is no necessity for me to face those situations.
On the other hand, what really gets to me is when people think I am afraid and it's just anxiety, which to me is a physical reaction. What I mean is my body has those reactions even when my mind knows there is no reason for them! { It's like when I feel a connection with a person even when there is no reason to.} Totally frustrating, especially when you don't want to react or feel a certain way!
Can anyone understand any of this?
I have been claustrophobic since I can remember and it is one fear I have not truly overcome. Though I can handle some limited space, I still fear being trapped in a small space for any length of time.
I do fear being judged/criticized by others in social situations, which is Social Phobia,and even though I try not to I just can't help it because I know I have never "fit in" and probably never will. I just never really learned how to socialize with people outside of my family without pretending to be someone other than who I feel I am inside.Also, I have met so few people like my family or myself, who can accept others for who they are and try to understand and not judge.
I had a fear of lightning and thunder from when I was a small child. I have "overcome" that fear, in that I understand both and how they work and do not think "harm" will come. However, I still have a physical reaction of anxiety during lengthy storms.
I battled a fear of heights for many years and feel that in most cases I can handle heights; the only exception being when I am close to the edge at a height of over 2 stories. Then the anxiety comes.
In truth, I believe that I am not as afraid as I use to be and have been able to handle the anxiety in most situations; but, there are still times when I prefer not to expose myself to the anxiety. There is just something about the tightness in my chest, the racing heart, the feeling of not being able to breath and the feeling of being overwhelmed that I find discomforting. I know I should work harder on battling the anxiety and the physical symptoms; but, sometimes wonder why. After all, I'm the one who has to live with it and should be able to choose to avoid those situations that cause it, as long as there is no necessity for me to face those situations.
On the other hand, what really gets to me is when people think I am afraid and it's just anxiety, which to me is a physical reaction. What I mean is my body has those reactions even when my mind knows there is no reason for them! { It's like when I feel a connection with a person even when there is no reason to.} Totally frustrating, especially when you don't want to react or feel a certain way!
Can anyone understand any of this?
Lessons From My Life
I hate when I get the courage to be honest with someone only to have them misinterpret what I have said and throw it back in my face over and over! Guess by now I should have learned that, even when you think you can be honest with someone, they may not understand or be capable of understanding what you said.
Lesson: Honesty does not always pay!!!!!!!!!
I have been through a lot of , excuse the expression, shit during my 49 years of life and personally think I will go through a lot more before I die. Sexual assault, Molestation, Rape, Physical Abuse, Mental Abuse, Financial Abuse, Mental Illness, Addictions galore, Poverty and many, many Rejections are just some of the things I have shared or will eventually share. That does not include everything; but, there are things I just can't trust myself to write about or others to understand.
Lesson: If I am meant to survive, I will!
My parenting "style" was basically provide the necessities of life for my kids, teach as much of my knowledge to my kids, Help them get healthy or remain healthy and find someone else to provide what I thought I could not provide. Meaning, attempting to be the best role model I could be and letting my kids know there were other choices for role models if I wouldn't do for them. I still feel as if I failed as a parent; but, my kids still managed to turn out to be decent people.
Lesson: Kids can make the right choices in spite of the type of parenting they receive!
Honestly, I've been a sexual being since I was gang raped as a child. I've always desired that physical contact; sometimes to the point of being an addict. Sure, I went years being celibate, while raising my daughters; but, I had choices and chose not to take them. Also, I did/do use my weight to keep any potential partners away. Still, sex is almost constantly on my mind. I have learned much about sex and shared that knowledge with a few (unfortunately, too much with my girls);but, I often wish I knew others like myself who wouldn't mind discussing the subject. However, just because I'd like to talk about it does not mean I need a sexual relationship with anyone.
Lesson: Sex is a subject that is difficult for many to talk about without acting on it or thinking others want to act on it!
There is a significant amount of Mental Illness within my immediate and extended family. Most of us have no problem acting "crazy" or just giving into the Illness when we want to. The problems arise when we are open and honest about our "lunacy" and others jump to conclusions based on some "silly" behaviour!
Lesson: It's OK to be crazy with family but strangers rarely understand!
There are a lot of things I have learned throughout life that I could share but the truth is I have no idea what others want to read about or hear. That's where my social inadequacy comes in - I've never managed to "fit in" anywhere in life and feel comfortable enough to be myself.
Lesson: Honesty does not always pay!!!!!!!!!
I have been through a lot of , excuse the expression, shit during my 49 years of life and personally think I will go through a lot more before I die. Sexual assault, Molestation, Rape, Physical Abuse, Mental Abuse, Financial Abuse, Mental Illness, Addictions galore, Poverty and many, many Rejections are just some of the things I have shared or will eventually share. That does not include everything; but, there are things I just can't trust myself to write about or others to understand.
Lesson: If I am meant to survive, I will!
My parenting "style" was basically provide the necessities of life for my kids, teach as much of my knowledge to my kids, Help them get healthy or remain healthy and find someone else to provide what I thought I could not provide. Meaning, attempting to be the best role model I could be and letting my kids know there were other choices for role models if I wouldn't do for them. I still feel as if I failed as a parent; but, my kids still managed to turn out to be decent people.
Lesson: Kids can make the right choices in spite of the type of parenting they receive!
Honestly, I've been a sexual being since I was gang raped as a child. I've always desired that physical contact; sometimes to the point of being an addict. Sure, I went years being celibate, while raising my daughters; but, I had choices and chose not to take them. Also, I did/do use my weight to keep any potential partners away. Still, sex is almost constantly on my mind. I have learned much about sex and shared that knowledge with a few (unfortunately, too much with my girls);but, I often wish I knew others like myself who wouldn't mind discussing the subject. However, just because I'd like to talk about it does not mean I need a sexual relationship with anyone.
Lesson: Sex is a subject that is difficult for many to talk about without acting on it or thinking others want to act on it!
There is a significant amount of Mental Illness within my immediate and extended family. Most of us have no problem acting "crazy" or just giving into the Illness when we want to. The problems arise when we are open and honest about our "lunacy" and others jump to conclusions based on some "silly" behaviour!
Lesson: It's OK to be crazy with family but strangers rarely understand!
There are a lot of things I have learned throughout life that I could share but the truth is I have no idea what others want to read about or hear. That's where my social inadequacy comes in - I've never managed to "fit in" anywhere in life and feel comfortable enough to be myself.
My Strength?
Everyone always says to me " You are a strong person. Just look at how far you've come and you're strength is speaking out." The truth is I don't see that strength or feel it, one little bit.
Inside I am just a frightened, weak, little girl. A girl who wants to be accepted and understood for who she is. A girl who cries several times daily and can't even get through writing anything without tears. A girl who desperately wants to grow up but doesn't know how to.
Any strength others see in my comes from years of feeling alone, years of therapy and the strength of the God. In fact if it wasn't for the knowledge that there are many like myself out there suffering and struggling alone and my desire to let them know they are NOT alone, I might never have shared anything! For I know that terrible feeling that no one will ever understand, no one will ever accept and no one could possibly care for me. On my worst days that is exactly how I feel!
The only reasons I ever even started to try to deal with the past and do more than survive are my four wonderful, patient daughters! Who in all honest deserve/d a much better mother! However, they do always make me feel as if I was/am blessed.... for they survived me and still blossomed into wonderful women.
Truthfully, if I did not believe in God, I would probably have ended my life many, many, years ago! The only purpose I see for my still being alive is to help others and that is why I do what I do, that is why I keep living {even when I don't want to at times}. Perhaps, in some way, that is why I had to go through all the crap in life I have and why I battle mental illness. At least those thoughts give me an answer I can live with.
So, any strength others see in my writings or in me is certainly not felt by the inner person. That should tell you if you battle the way I do that you have strength too! And it is your strength that keeps me going at times. For that I Thank You!!!!!
Battling Mental Illness
Those who know me in "real" life, I battle several mental illnesses. Very few doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists or therapists use any tools for discovery anymore. They simply listen to a person and come up with diagnosis from what they hear. Unfortunately, They are basing the diagnosis on what may come out of my mouth and when I am talking, in person to someone, I tend to get tongue tied, forgetful and shy.
In my opinion, for what it is worth, I think I'm just plain crazy! I have, in the past been diagnosed with Chronic Depression, Seasonal Depression, Bi polar, Paranoia and Anxiety disorders. I know I battle Social Phobia and have most of my life;but, I can function in society, to a limited degree because I do know how to "fake it". I suspect I have Dissociative Disorder. That is something very few understand or even believe.
For most of my life, battling mental illness Has consisted of "faking it" a lot. That changed for me when I had the Hemorrhagic Stroke in 2007. For those who do not know what kind of stroke this is, it is a bleed in the brain usually caused by a burst vessel or aneurysm.. though mine was not, in fact they still do not know why I had bleeding in my brain, only that it happened and almost killed me. That is when I decided that I no longer wanted to "fake" life by pretending to be whoever other people wanted me to be, that I was going to figure out just who I am and hopefully be able to live with myself and die a little more fulfilled. However, along the journey the attacks and negativity from others has often made me reconsider exactly what I hope to achieve and if it is even worth it for me.
It is the attacks, negativity, judgement and rejection that make battling any Mental Illness more difficult for any person. Many others I know have given up or are "close to the brink" meaning they often think of giving up. It's the battle internal that is the hardest part and the external crap from others just makes it harder for many. Even those who, supposedly,"won" and are "cured" can add to the frustration of know one is not totally understood because for many there is no "winning", simply surviving! For me, surviving consists of waking up each day, getting out of bed and doing anything I can and then keeping myself alive until it's time to sleep again. Many times I wish I didn't wake up at all. However, as long as I keep waking up I will keep trying to stay alive; at least, until either God or I decide there is no more battle left inside of this body.
Part of the way I battle the Mental Illness is to share and write, in the hopes others will someday understand and those like me will know there is someone out there who does understand! Many, many, many times I have been tempted to stop writing and sharing because of the backlash and rejection, the tears and the internal pain; but, to do so would be allowing those others to "win" and would be abandoning those who really need to read or share to battle alone, which I feel no one should have to do.
So, just remember ~ "when you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on" ~ for there are others who do care and will understand! Though most are silent, everyone battles in their own way and this is mine!
In my opinion, for what it is worth, I think I'm just plain crazy! I have, in the past been diagnosed with Chronic Depression, Seasonal Depression, Bi polar, Paranoia and Anxiety disorders. I know I battle Social Phobia and have most of my life;but, I can function in society, to a limited degree because I do know how to "fake it". I suspect I have Dissociative Disorder. That is something very few understand or even believe.
For most of my life, battling mental illness Has consisted of "faking it" a lot. That changed for me when I had the Hemorrhagic Stroke in 2007. For those who do not know what kind of stroke this is, it is a bleed in the brain usually caused by a burst vessel or aneurysm.. though mine was not, in fact they still do not know why I had bleeding in my brain, only that it happened and almost killed me. That is when I decided that I no longer wanted to "fake" life by pretending to be whoever other people wanted me to be, that I was going to figure out just who I am and hopefully be able to live with myself and die a little more fulfilled. However, along the journey the attacks and negativity from others has often made me reconsider exactly what I hope to achieve and if it is even worth it for me.
It is the attacks, negativity, judgement and rejection that make battling any Mental Illness more difficult for any person. Many others I know have given up or are "close to the brink" meaning they often think of giving up. It's the battle internal that is the hardest part and the external crap from others just makes it harder for many. Even those who, supposedly,"won" and are "cured" can add to the frustration of know one is not totally understood because for many there is no "winning", simply surviving! For me, surviving consists of waking up each day, getting out of bed and doing anything I can and then keeping myself alive until it's time to sleep again. Many times I wish I didn't wake up at all. However, as long as I keep waking up I will keep trying to stay alive; at least, until either God or I decide there is no more battle left inside of this body.
Part of the way I battle the Mental Illness is to share and write, in the hopes others will someday understand and those like me will know there is someone out there who does understand! Many, many, many times I have been tempted to stop writing and sharing because of the backlash and rejection, the tears and the internal pain; but, to do so would be allowing those others to "win" and would be abandoning those who really need to read or share to battle alone, which I feel no one should have to do.
So, just remember ~ "when you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on" ~ for there are others who do care and will understand! Though most are silent, everyone battles in their own way and this is mine!
The Others
I call them parts, they call themselves "the others". Truthfully, I still have no idea exactly what is going on in this head of mine! I do know that some people think I am lying or just using the whole thing as an excuse to get away with behaviour I wouldn't "normally" (in quotes because there is nothing "normal" about me) do; but, those people are 100% wrong! How I wish things were that simple!
I struggled through many, many traumatic events in my life, some of which I have written about and some which I haven't. The only way I was taught to deal with most of these events is to just "forget them and move on", which for me meant bury them and screw the consequences! The consequences eventually led to my mind separating into different parts to deal with different emotions or thoughts. At least that is my belief.
These parts became more active and distinct after I suffered the hemorrhagic in 2007. There are times now where I am relegated to being an observer in my own body. When that happens I have little to no control over what any part may write or do, all I can do is try to "clean up" any mess or trouble they may have caused after the fact. I do not use this as an excuse for any of my actions or words because obviously some part of me actually thinks that way; but, I do mention it to explain what may appear to be erratic or "nasty" behaviour. However, I totally understand that many people do not understand and a few actually do not believe it. Truthfully, before I became aware of the parts I would have had significant trouble believing this from anyone else, except for a few people I know who have been diagnosed with Dissociative Personality disorder (or Multiple Personality Disorder as it was known as).
I struggled through many, many traumatic events in my life, some of which I have written about and some which I haven't. The only way I was taught to deal with most of these events is to just "forget them and move on", which for me meant bury them and screw the consequences! The consequences eventually led to my mind separating into different parts to deal with different emotions or thoughts. At least that is my belief.
These parts became more active and distinct after I suffered the hemorrhagic in 2007. There are times now where I am relegated to being an observer in my own body. When that happens I have little to no control over what any part may write or do, all I can do is try to "clean up" any mess or trouble they may have caused after the fact. I do not use this as an excuse for any of my actions or words because obviously some part of me actually thinks that way; but, I do mention it to explain what may appear to be erratic or "nasty" behaviour. However, I totally understand that many people do not understand and a few actually do not believe it. Truthfully, before I became aware of the parts I would have had significant trouble believing this from anyone else, except for a few people I know who have been diagnosed with Dissociative Personality disorder (or Multiple Personality Disorder as it was known as).
Mental Illness And Me
I suffer from a variety of illnesses, but, I never said I had Dissociative Personality Disorder or Multiple Personality disorder!I have been trying to explain the "glitches" in my brain and how I think; but, I find some people assume I am claiming that I have DPD when I don't! There really is no particular "category" of Mental Illness that my fucked up thinking "fits" into.
A psychiatrist once said he believed I was Bipolar , had SADS and Chronic Depression.The way he explained it to me my "manic" phases are linked to my addictions. The reason he said I have Chronic Depression is because I have been battling Depression since I was a teen and my brain has "forgotten" how to not be depressed. These are the only Mental Illnesses I have claimed to have diagnosed.
However, I have tried to explain how my mind is divided into "parts" which is my way of dealing with the world. Some of these "parts" do have names and most of them can push me (Dot) back into an observer position. Thus, I do "lose control" and say or do things which are contrary to my stated beliefs. I just do not really know how to explain it any differently or more clearly. I remember what I have done or said {as much as my faulty memory allows me too} and do know that somewhere inside of my brain I must have wanted to do the things but just couldn't accept the actions and words as my own. All these "parts" came into being throughout my life as ways to deal with emotions and situations I just couldn't handle any other way. I think that is because I was taught that emotions are not good and certain things just are not "acceptable" by the adults in my childhood.
Even writing this out I am struggling to focus and maintain control. The way I think is "crazy" and "unusual" and I have never really been able to explain it or talk about it before the past 3 years. The "parts" have always been with me since I can remember but I have never had "blackouts" other than those from alcohol or drug abuse and the conscious blackout of my childhood when I was a teen. That does not mean I don't have memory problems but I really don't think those problems are related.
If you can understand this and relate I would appreciate knowing I am not alone! However, though I do not have DPD, I do understand it. I have met others with that particular diagnosis.
I am Dot!
I am Dot!
I struggle daily with ups and downs!
I try to be more like others but I just can't do it!
I fight myself daily.
I fight the desire to do things I know I shouldn't!
I fight the emotional see-saw that my brain puts me through!
I fight self-doubt.
I fight the paranoia and splitting.
I fight to have a "normal" life!
I fight suicidal thoughts!
I wonder if anyone understands how much I struggle just to be me.
I am up and down more than a well used see-saw; but, I am struggling to keep it to myself more!
I think too much about others and things I shouldn't and wish I knew how to stop it!
I pray for friend, family, enemies and pretty much everyone I meet.
I also pray for the ability to forget those things I feel I need to.
I have memory issues over everyday things and names. Sometimes even my own.
I am a mother, even though my daughters are all in their 20's and 30's! I miss my girls who are farther away, daily!
I write out thoughts for many reasons.
I do have "attention seeking" traits because I feel so alone!
I am obese:(
I am currently a smoker.
I feel alone even when I am not!
I do know some understand but I don't feel it:(
I wonder if I will ever really want a "relationship" with anyone besides friendship or have I lost all desire for that.
I am multi-faceted, there is more to me than I can explain in writing!
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